brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Because part of All The Therapy is blogging my feels. And this was short enough anyway.


I'm having a Being Elsa day. My symptoms are awful and well beyond control, and the smallest thing triggers the fibromyalgia pain and the mild C-PTSD symptoms. I cannot even hear or read someone speak from the cult of positive thinking without internal screaming.

I've seen many other friends here having similar issues. I'm not dealing with a terminal disease, but said terminal friends keep reminding me that we are all "In This Together" (that's my current ringtone. It's from Apoptygma Berserk).

I admit, the Being Elsa days seem to counter the Being Alice days (Being Alice is my code for epilepsy, seizures, and postictal aka post seizure state. Being Elsa is a new code for mental illness and neurological disorders including all chronic anxiety, social phobia, chronic stress disorders aka complex post traumatic stress disorder, sensory processing disorders, and some co-existing conditions linked to spastic ataxic cerebral palsy).
That was much words but I was born full of words. I blow word raspberries.

I totally do have gleefully joyful fun talking about my medical history. Interested friends have told me that I tend to discuss it clinically and technically, as though describing a patient who is not myself. I've been told that my medical and scientific wordening as a curious patient has helped fellow chronic illness patients examine their own conditions closely to find ways to help treat specific symptoms. That is such an honor.

Anyway. Is anyone else having their own version of a Being Elsa day?

(Alice is from Alice in Wonderland and Elsa is from Frozen. Because of what happens to them. Etc. I actually still have not seen Frozen all the way through yet. I will, obviously, and it will be many times. But I relate desperately well to Elsa, her hidden aspects, her representing disability, autism, childhood abuse, chronic anxiety, PTSD, personal orientations, and her love for a sister beyond a potential unnecessary husband. I only have chosen sisters and I love them so hard like the stars.)
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Some random rambling about my own mind, my imaginary friends, and how my mind likes to invent coping mechanisms that talk back.

One of my imaginary friends, Amara, who is the human coping mechanism in charge of all the neurochemical, neurodevelopmental fuctions, has been interacting with me more and more ever since Alicia (the epilepsy mechanism) and Serena (the pain, fatigue, psychological, neurobiological functions) urged her to show herself more often after I fell into a chemical depression with severe anxiety. Serena and Koan could only do so much.

Amara, at the beginning of her creation, was not even human; formless and elemental. These days, she is human shaped but she loves to take bits of my writerbrain as inspiration. Her ears are pointed and her eyes and hair change color with her moods. She likes to mimic my bone structure and basic figure shape, just with more muscle intensity. Serena says it's because Amara wants to show me that I am beautiful.
Also, when I saw a Google image painting of a woman with elf ears and a unicorn horn, posing with a unicorn, Amara insisted I make it my current Facebook cover photo. She made herself up to resemble like that character while still mimicking my features, including the horn that represents the third eye - just with chestnut brown streaks in her white-lavender hair and honey brown flecks in her intense blue eyes... although none of that is her true coloring. When she made herself human, her coloring randomly became alabaster skin, gold eyes, and pale flame hair, essentially inhuman. But she kept the mirror shape of my skeletal structure and body shape. She even plumped her lips, made her eyes bigger, and made her nose smaller, because she knew I desired that. It makes me smile, which I think she likes. She wears the same jewelry as me, the same clothing colors, the same makeup colors. She is determined to "reboot" the parts of my brain that are having trouble accepting the recent flooding overload of information about these disabilities and chronic illnesses. The name Amara means everlasting, eternal, immortal... which is why she was formless and elemental to begin with. I finally understand why I created her. And she wouldn't mind being the inspiration for any stories I write. I'm grateful for that.
She insists that my jaw, hair, and eyes resemble the jaw, hair, and eyes of Elena Risteska from Macedonia, which I agreed with and humbly accept with a simple thanks. The only way I even knew about Miss Risteska was through searching for shades of brown.
She just wants me to feel better, to feel my own positive human emotions. Since Amara is still learning about humanity, she looks to Serena for help. In my dreams, they have amazing conversations.
I'm so glad I created these characters. They help keep me sane, emotionally stable, intellectually stable, and psychically curious. Also, every time I meditate and concentrate on my third eye, I actually feel a short unicorn horn on my forehead.
I just love that my own mind is creative enough to make up whole people with entire personalities, back stories, individual appearances, individual likes and dislikes, and actual behaviors. They mainly come to me in sleep dreams, daydreams, and meditations. My psychotherapist adores the fact that they exist, which relieves me. It's just one of those things that I, Joanna, have in my brain to help me handle all the stuff that life gives me. Awesome.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
Hmm. Still heavily outlining the second novel.
Clara no longer has a healing factor; she has quantum phasing - aka phase shift, intangibility ghosting, limited Kitty Pryde power. Amber has a more specific type of telepathy, which connects more with quantum consciousness than actual thoughts - aka soul communication, extreme telempathy, spirit communication, highly limited Rachel Grey power; and Amber's telekinesis is far more developed, including limited healing touch and limited emotional healing on others, which can weaken her without shielding or channeling, but still limited Rachel Grey power.
Clara's hypermobility and joint pain symptoms eases during her phase shifts. Amber's cerebral palsy with its comorbid syndromes eases during any major psychokinetic procedure, but once they're finished, the pain hits them twice as hard, leaving them weakened for at least several hours.
I like that enough to work with it. *nod* But I need advice, opinions, and consultations to make sure I'm Doing It Right. For example, since Clara has mild Asperger's, I have to wonder how her perceptions are affected by her powers.

Also! Thoughts on surnames. Since Clara has full Indian heritage on her father's side, her surname will be probably Atma (and her mother has Siberian and Swedish heritage). Since Amber has full Greek heritage on her father's side, her surname will probably be Spiro ( and her mother has Norwegian and Hungarian heritage). "Soul" and "Spirit" as meanings seem to work for me. I'm not sure if I want them hyphenated or separate.

At the start of the story, they've been legally married for just under one year and are in their late twenties, share a birthday one year apart, and have family members with disabilities and superpowers Amber is on SSDI but is works part-time at Clara's office, which is (for now) Transdimensional Exploration Association Research. Clara and Amber are among the very few paranormals who can open and enter the interdimensional portals without harm. I'm going to be focusing on one or two alternative worlds, perhaps a Fae dimension and an astral plane.

Many thoughts. Many Worlds Theory, indeed.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
A disability as a superpower or a superpower as a disability? A superpowered disability?

Also, you know what this reminds me of? A meme photo of a young woman in a wheelchair, in a bookstore, in which the woman is standing slightly to reach a book on a higher shelf, and the meme's snarky caption reads, "It's A Miracle!"
I found this in a long article about how many people like to use disabled people as inspiration porn. You know, "She is doing XYZ even though she has A Disability! Oh, look, how inspiring she is! We should all strive to be so strong!" You would think that disabled people who need wheelchairs because their bodies don't work right must have some sort of superpower, because gods forbid only paralyzed people need wheelchairs. Therefore, someone who is able to stand and walk most of the time should never need a wheelchair, no matter how screwed up their muscles are. Right? *CRIPPLE RAGE ETC*

Off to take more medication. I really needed two canes today, damn...
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
A wild anxiety attack. The beginnings of a migraine. Muscles actually feeling loose and relaxed in a fabulous way, which is probably in part due to the baclofen and tramadol, but close enough. A twinge of ulnar nerve entrapment. Some right knee swelling. A bit of hemiparesis. Some eczema and xeroderma itchiness. The beginnings of a mild major depression episode.

I will go snuggle my cats as much as they will allow. Several online acquaintances just dealt with the deaths of their cats (some peacefully in sleep, some hurried to the emergency vet). Sometimes I force myself to imagine what would happen if Jupiter, Luna, or Rose died. Owning a cat is owning a tragedy waiting to happen, as my parents say. But love... love lasts. Loving a cat is beyond anything in the universe.

I'm still reading "The Night Circus" by Erin Morgenstern. It is so beautiful. I still need to finish less heavy books, like "Between" by Kerry Schafer, "Dead Ever After" by Charlaine Harris, "The Darkest Kiss" by Gena Showalter, a new copy of "The Tower And The Hive" by Anne McCaffrey (all my Rowan series books have fallen apart by now), "The Winter Oak" by James Hetley, "Twilight's Dawn" by Anne Bishop. I'll probably get some kind of inspiration for stagnant stories somewhere.

Speaking of stories and characters, I've quickly fallen in love with Amber Kass and Clara Kim even more than with Dana Ryan and Ian Morgan - and Dana and Ian as a couple have been with me since my teen years. Sometimes I see Amber and Clara as Deanna Troi and Will Riker, a version of Imzadi for life, on and off for so many years before finally just saying "fuck it" and getting married and embracing their intense connections. This story takes place years after the wedding but I plan on doing many flashbacks. It will probably just turn into a big novel. That is fine.

Writing. Writing. Breathing. Breathing. Calming. Calming.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
I think I've figured out exactly why "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" entertains, amuses, and delights me so much: It reminds me deeply of Warner Bros. and Looney Tunes and other slapstick humor cartoons from my childhood. The consistent cocktails of wackiness, ensuing of hijinks, and humorous winks to adult themes make me laugh wildly. And so I wonder why so many people actively hate even casual fans of the series.

I am a casual fan of "My Little Pony." I still refuse to get involved in the actual fandom (certain things cannot be unseen or unknown, beyond Rule 34; in conclusion, some people are extraordinarily creepy when it comes to cartoons). But the TV show, characters, and concept as a whole has a serious little place in my heart.

Say what you will, some cartoons are just that cool.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
I have astounded myself by realizing how many of these tips I have NOT been following. And that realization has now crystallized in my skull and now I know so much better and now I know everything I want to do.
Dude. Whoa.

However, endings are easier than middles for me. I have the worst problems getting from Start to End. I've had my novel's ending in my head for years, but the problem with writing a novel is that there has to be that Middle so other people know why the End happens.
Characters are easy. My college thesis was the first three chapters of that novel, on which I got the highest grade, and I was praised for how the story centered so much around characters in a future world where some technologies needed explaining, although at this point not really, because every single 22nd century technology I wrote about in 2001 has already happened, except the cars that drive automatically, although I'm waiting. Also, the fact that my story's 22nd century science is already happening means I am not creative in the least with science fiction. Which is why I never like to write about brand new technology, which is why I would be shuffled into a future fantasy subgenre and also a slipstream speculative subgenre, even though most the stories would always take place after the end of the 21st century and there would always be psionics involved which is still considered a trope of science over fantasy fiction.
brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 2)
 So, I finally, finally, noticed that link thing that tells me to switch to the "new" Friends pages, which a noticed many people complaining about and being angry about and writing rather long posts about how much they dislike it and why and comparing it to sites I've never been to.
And then I scrolled through it.
And so... what's the problem, again?
It's bigger. It's clearer. I can read it more easily. It's... how do I put this... more stretched along the page? With fewer distractions? Is that sense making? I don't know. I honestly an unable to find the problems.
You guys, what are the problems with the New LIveJournal Friends Pages?

Also, my writer block... stagntation? issues? make me cry. I am so stuck at the end of of this one chapter (20? 21? Fuck, I forget) in which the sympathetic villain and the central heroine are in a stalemate and I the writer want the villain to come across as Mentally Interesting Person Who Just Wants To Do The Right Thing And Needs The Help Of The Heroine Except That What He Wants Is To Destroy, Delete, And Reset Reality To His Liking. And a big big important note is that ALL my characters are Mentally Interesting. This is my substitute word for Crazy and Mentally Ill and Disabled. Something is... Not Typical about anyone in my novel. I do not actually come out and name any diagnosis because this is, what, the 2100s, and the DSM has probably evolved into a beast of a book that bites your hand if you get things wrong. Really, the only characters who are most fleshed out as Mentally Interesting/Crazy/Disabled are the Sympathetic Villain and the Central Heroine. Except there's a lot with the Sympathetic Villain. He is quite Delusional and psychotic... but is he a sociopath? A schizophrenic? A schizo-type? Obsessive-Compulsive Personality? Bipolar? Oh, who the fuck cares. He is who he is. And maybe that is part of why I am blocked? Must I give him a Thing with a Name? My Heroine has Severe General Anxiety and Major Depression and PTSD and Epilepsy and Obsessive-Compulsive and Sensory Processing Disorder, Attachment Issues, and and extremely mild Attachment Disorder conflicting with extremely mild Avoidant Disorder.
And now we come to the Why? Why, Joanna the Author, do you have to do this? Why do you want to do this? Why does this matter? What is the point?
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
So, yeah.

Today so far has been a day of "Let's drug Joanna up with opiates, anaglesics, muscoloskeletal relaxants, caffeine, migraine remedies, skin hydrators, itch relief, cramp relief, nausea relief, anti-fatigue supplements, and focusing supplements."
I woke up at 11:30, felt sick, took a very long shower with very hot water, took half an hour to get dressed, then fell back onto the bed, where a cat inevitably sat on me and licked my face.
I went inside my brain to talk to my Frontal Lobe, represented by a stern, petite Eastern European woman with sharp cheekbones, multi-colored eyes, pouty lips, bronze skin, calico hair, sturdy curves, long hands, a sloped nose, and a deep voice.
"What about food?" I asked. "My digestive system is being uncooperative right now."
"I know," she said. "Go get that high-calorie nutrient-dense smoothie you bought at Fresh Market and then make an acai smoothie when you're ready. Later, try some plain cheddar and soup. I had a conference with the medulla oblongata about that. Don't take anything for the digestive stuff, by the way."
"You sure? Because you know the amygdala and I..."
"Yes, yes. But I mean it. You can drink some Pepto Bismol if you really want, but you need that nutrition. Go pick those cherry tomatoes out back, too. And the water. Keep drinking the moringa water and the sea buckthorn tea."
"Did the medulla oblongata tell you that?"
"Yes. Every part tells me everything."
I paused. "Can... can you make me hurt less?"
She bit her lower lip. "Well... see, the nociceptors tend to have minds of their own. Like teenagers and toddlers rebelling and tantruming. Well, also like adults tantruming. Have you ever seen a grown person throw a tantrum?"
"Of course. It's embarrassing."
"So... I can team up with some of my other parts to try. But keep in mind that considering our massive damage and dead parts, there is only so much we can do. But we can make sure to help you stay upright and conscious and able to respond to external stimuli. The limbic system is a little twitchy, though. It's making the hippocampus twitchy, too."
"Oh, hell," I said. "What about seizure warnings?"
She paused. "I can try. I promise I will try."
I nodded. "I know. I know how busy you are."
She smiled. "I'll keep an eye on the temporal lobes and parietal lobes."
I nodded. "Thank you, Lady."
"Just rest for now. Okay? Keep yourself calm. We will be here for you."
The Frontal Lobe representation held out her arms. I slowly moved forward, and she embraced my mental avatar. Her touch and body radiated cold and hot and kindness and love and severity and power and strength and control and understanding. I couldn't put the rest of it into words. I was a pebble at the bottom of a river, with ripples widening all around me.

My meditation ended. I opened my eyes and stretched my neck, and felt almost refreshed, except for the parts that hurt so badly I almost left my body.
So I sit here, typing very very slowly with what sections of my Neocortex will allow through all this fog, casually watching animated films in the background to relax me and give me humor. I am very cold, wearing a silk cardigan (when did I acquire all these silk cardigans anyway?) and considering warming up the house because the Raynaud's Disease is attacking. But I trust the Frontal Lobe to take control as much as possible.
We will see what happens.

(Also, if anyone on my friends list knows more about this sort of thing that I do, please feel free to correct me in the comments.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
This is Garden Wishes. She's from the G3 2006 batch of toy Ponies. She came from an old purse in my closet just like the other two. I love her dearly. However, I do not call her Garden Wishes. I call her Lotus Star.

If I were to ever write MLP fanfic, her name would be Lotus Star and she would be one of the most powerful young unicorns in Equestria, but very shy and awkward and full of raw nervous magic, and studious and anxious and quiet and bookwormy and focused and creative and nature-loving. So she would be friends with Fluttershy and take lessons from Twilight Sparkle and probably be a new student of Celestia.
Also she would be me in pony form; there, I said it. But I swear she wouldn't be a Mary Sue nor an author insert. I just think that if I were an Equestrian pony character, this is exactly who I would be.
Besides, Lotus Star is a more fitting name. Her symbol looks like a lotus and a star. Also, she glitters and is shiny and is pink and purple and gold and oh so pretty and squee I love her.

Thank you, closet.

brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Augh, fatigue. Oh, fatigue, Oh. I would rather have the pain.
Wait. No. Maybe. I don't know.
A secret: I am terrified. I have been writing short stories. I plan to submit them to online magazines. I have finished Chapter Twenty in the book, and now I'm struggling to make the words come out the way they need to. I want to beg every writer I know to tell me how they do it, how they make the imaginary people in their heads talk enough. Asking for help feels strange. It always feels strange.

Adam is going to be home Saturday morning, so my mind is consumed by that. Perhaps I can twist and transform that into something between Dana and Ian. It's just the words, the words. I see everything like a film in my head, but I've never written a screenplay, and novels are about words. That sounds too easy. Dear writers: Help?

I am just so tired right now.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
The best discussions about Mary Sue characters ever.

Today was a day with fewer spoons, but Adam was with me. Errands were run, needed items were purchased, lovely foods were made.

Time for more writing, with Playstation 3 games in the background.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I scrapped what I had written of Chapter 25. I'm trying to work quickly toward the rising action now. The situation at the end of Chapter 24 will propel Dana faster toward her eventual confrontation with Jeremy; while Ian, Alex, and Kara will do their best to help her. I know there are a few gaping holes in earlier chapters, but at this point I need to just keep moving forward and worry about holes later. Besides, I want Bruster's ice cream.

Jason and I had a long discussion earlier about my climax and falling action. He made a suggestion I had not thought of which would veer completely around my original idea and take a new direction. I like it. I'll see how it fits.

The story seems to be more complex than I'd thought. When I was explaining it all to Jason, I fumbled. I mean, really, it's not that complicated. But he asked about it in a way that tripped me up and made me think. Why is my world the way it is? What could I change? Why do the characters need to do this or that?

Adam and I just had a conversation about character motivations. I suspect I'll probably have several cliches and predictable moments, but at this point, I'll expect it. This is not a very original concept. Good versus evil, destruction and creation, etc etc. Creative, yes. But not something new.

I think, though, that I will soon need to talk to people who have endured serious assault and abuse of any kind, so I can flesh out Dana's character near the end, when she is isolated with Jeremy and fighting for her life and the world. He's a sociopath, after all, and he wouldn't hold back about hurting her. I'm starting to wonder if I'm scared of Jeremy, this character I've created who I can never identify with. I'm too empathic. He has no empathy at all.

I doubt I'll be able to write all of Chapter 25 by tomorrow, so probably no trip to Bruster's. That means no sweets all week, either. If I can write an entire chapter by tomorrow evening, though, it'd be fantastic.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I think this is my villain's ultimate template.

"...a young, anarchic presence, somebody who is genuinely threatening to the establishment."

"Some men aren't looking for anything logical," Michael Caine's butler Alfred tells Bruce, who's trying to decipher the Joker's motives. "Some men just want to watch the world burn."



This is Jeremy.

Now I just need to keep writing his character as best I can, be completely true to my own vision of who he is and what he does in the book.

Makes me very sad that Heath Ledger will never again be able to talk about the role that will make him so unforgettable.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
1. Choose a few of your own characters.
2. Make them answer the following questions.
3. Feel free to go ahead and add some questions yourself!!
4. Then tag three people.

I'm not tagging anyone, just so y'all know.

Read more... )
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
1. Pick one of my characters, any one (even if you're only familiar with a vague description instead of a name).
2. I will tell you the origin of his/her name.
3. I will tell you random facts surrounding his/her creation.
4. I will give you a random fact of his/her backstory.
5. I will give you a random fact of his/her forestory.
6. You may ask me up to ten questions about the character.
7. I will give the most embarrassing fact they want no one to know. I will tell you their secret love. I will give you one TMI fact.


-Dana Ryan (psionic; host of the Phoenix avatar)
-Ian Morgan (psionic; host of the Dragon avatar)
-Alex Morgan (psionic; host of the Tortoise avatar)
-Kara Walker (psionic; host of the Unicorn avatar)
-Jeremy Heller (psionic; host of the Shadow avatar)
-Bridget August (psionic; previous host of the Phoenix avatar)


Sep. 26th, 2006 10:44 am
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I'm on the last few pages of Sandman: Book Of Dreams. It's been a lovely and utterly strange and often terrifying journey. After it's done, I'll go back to Gaiman's own Smoke nd Mirrors. And when that's done, I'll find a copy of Good Omens and re-memorize most of it. And after that I will re-read American Gods again. And after that, I may or may not buy that paperback copy of Coraline I saw in Olsson's Bookstore last week. And then perhaps the cycle will go around again, until it will be a few months before my purse holds a book that is not a Neil Gaiman book. I've already said, I read paperback books in small increments, during lunch breaks at work, waiting for a bus, sitting anywhere waiting for anything. Larger books and hardcover books, books that cannot fit into a purse, stay at home and wait for me. Sometimes they whisper my name and we have conversations that do not involve me opening them. The books by Francesca Lia Block love to do that, as do all the Terry Pratchett Discworld novels.
And in between... yes, I've broken free and written more of Chapter 21. It's still raining, still storming, and Ian and Alex are still searching for Dana and Kara; but at least they are moving. I haven't decided when Jeremy will make his move and truly close in on Dana. There is so much. I think part of it is because Jeremy is so psychotic, and I am having difficulty getting inside his cracked mind. A person can be both psychopathic and sociopathic, yes? Or can it only be one? I keep forgetting which is which. Jeremy believes that everything he does is right. He may or may not understand that the things he does is wrong. He certainly doesn't care, if he does in fact know. He hides himself well.
Books are beautiful, funny, scary universes. Especially when they live completely inside your head, and the only way anyone else can read them is if you allow them to dance from your mind to your fingers to paper or screen. And that can be even scarier.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
It is always the beginning I hate the most. But that's what editing is for.

The small nervous voice of the young potential novelist )


brightlotusmoon: (Default)

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