brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
And... some days I wake up from ethereal dreams I barely remember having the intense sense of former pointed ears, former wings growing from my shoulders, and a former unicorn horn growing from my forehead. If I look in a mirror before the dream is fully shaken, my eyes still have a faceted crystal glow, white enough to show every color, ringed by blue-tinted midnight black, and my skin shines from beneath, light rippling across my hands, like reflections in rivers.
Sometimes in those moments I just don't feel human. And it makes me feel wonderful.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)

My medically knowledgeable best friend was right about that daily extra Klonopin. Hello, sudden sobbing breakdown and potential nightmare about my cat dying all over again.
I know she is still here. She's just not... here.
Oh, Rose-kitten. I miss your sleepy weight on my torso.
Oh, now this is fascinating.
I took that second Klonopin while crying wildly. Across the hall, in the other room, Calliope started meowing loudly. I went in despite wanting to just curl back up in bed. She immediately rubbed against my legs. When I sat on the couch, she nuzzled and kneaded me, then jumped down, rolled on the floor, and offered her belly. I immediately, instantly, powerfully, got a sense of "I am here to give you comfort. Here is my love, if you want it. Touch me. Love me. If you want. I am here." And as soon as I touched her face and she purred so loud my hand vibrated, I felt so calm and tranquil it was like a river becoming still after a rock had been tossed in. Mind, the Klonopin had not had a chance to work yet. But Calliope's purring did... something. I just breathed. I breathed and I stroked her and I ran my fingers through her unshaved belly fur, and she nibbled my fingers and rubbed her cheeks on them. She hadn't instantly jumped on me or rubbed my face, but she had quietly and simply offered comfort. And as I made sounds of pain and sadness, her soft mewing and loud purring grew stronger.
I know it is far too soon to tell, but I think this kitten will be a medicine cat. Not like Rose. Not in an instant touch way. In a quantum touch way. Give when it is needed. Push out serenity without nudging. Be there without being instant.
I think I can work with that...


She jumped onto my lap now, right as I write this, purring purring purring, and I swear it is quantum healing. Touch when touch seems okay, distance with comforting waves when needed. Yes. This is who Calliope will be. Offering. Asking. Culture of consent. Do you want me to help you? I am here if you need me. I will not disturb you unless you come to me. I understand you. I will care for you. Here is my energy. Here is my Serenity.
The way she touches me is like a healer hovering hands above a patient, drawing power from outside sources.


I believe her middle name should be Serenity.


I think she knows who Rose is...

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Seizure happened in the kitchen. Jupiter meowed and rubbed against me while I crouched. Adam came in and gently lay me on the floor. My eyes were open and blank. Adam touched my face and reached for my mind, and I spasmed and gasped and blinked. I asked why I was on the floor. Adam helped me up and stood me against the large freezer. My memory is swirling. Alicia is holding me. Earlier, Adam said he told his boss, a fellow animal lover, that he needed an extra day to care for his wife. I rolled my eyes and said that was not necessary; that I was fine. Never mind. It was so dark and so white equally braided as order and chaos magics. I was spinning at ninety-nine percent light speed and thirty-five miles an hour. The world was elsewhere. A few seconds lasted a thousand years. Adam suggested I go upstairs and rest. Jupiter is suggesting a cuddle. I am thinking coffee and clonazepam and baclofen. I am made of light and love and pure order-chaos magic in its simplest form. I can give myself the right strength. May be that I can regenerate. As brightly and intensely as a Time Lord. I always shine enough for everyone.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
Why is it that, in most dreams where I am in physical danger, I am unable to scream or move quickly?
My last dream involved a bad fall and crash at the top of the stairs, while a large group of people were downstairs having a small quiet party. Something supernatural was with me, something insidious. I grabbed the stair ledge and pulled myself up to a kneeling position. I yelled my husband's name, but it was only a whisper. I couldn't call for help, not with the shadowy creature surrounding me. I was moving so slowly. It felt as though nobody was in the house but me, me and the cats.
And abruptly, I realized that nobody was in the house. Adam was at work. There was no party. The cats were all downstairs. It was only me and the shadow entity. I struggled to call on my internal resources, my spirit guardians, but even my psychic voice was muffled. I was not afraid. I was determined. I was badly injured, and I only had myself, and my powers to create weapons and defenses were drained. I stopped trying to stand. I knelt there and mouthed words, calling on the water in the bathroom, the air circulating around the house, the earth under the house, the fire downstairs used to light the gas stove. I pulled in all into me, and with a desperate burst, I unleashed it. The shadow creature shrieked and vanished.
Without any warning at all, the house filled with presence again. There was that quiet downstairs party. I whispered my husband's name again, struggling to turn it into a cry. Someone must have heard. Adam came up the stairs and found me, sagging against the door of the bathroom, my nose bleeding. He spoke to me. He half-carried me to the bedroom and helped me lie down. He brought damp towels and tissues and water with electrolytes. I managed, somehow, to tell him that a negative spirit had entered the house and stole my strength, and I pulled all the elemental power I could to drive it away. He was very proud but also puzzled, since the house was supposed to be powerfully shielded and guarded. I was crying but I didn't mean to cry. It was just a reaction without intention. He stroked my hair and curled up with me, and me took my hand and fed me energy and power and strength, and he said, "Go to sleep, my darling. I'll be monitoring you through our psychic bond and everything will be okay. I will strengthen the wards." He needed to check on our friends. He would back be up soon.
The dream ended there.

It has been something of a recurring thing: My slowness in dreams. My exquisite agony in dreams. My whispering words in dreams. Sometimes I can barely walk for the pain in my hips and knees. Sometimes I can only speak with thoughts instead of physical words. Sometimes my body is wrapped in a floating translucent shell and it is the only way I can move. In my dreams, the pain is so much worse than in reality. But I have access to weapons of all kind and I feel safe, even if something horrible grabs me.

When I was a child, I had flying dreams every night. Even astral projection. Like my father and cousins in their younger years. And if a harmful person appeared, I just waved my right hand fiercely, shouting "Shoo! Shoo!" to make then disappear.

When I was a child, I dreamed of dragons, of ancient tortoises, of unicorns mixed with white tigers, of phoenix birds with feathers of every color. Dragons have never been dangerous to me. Even if some were, there were always other dragons who were benevolent.

It is why I always bristle when I read an article comparing chronic pain to dragons. The only way I can see such battles happening is dragon against dragon. And I am a human amalgam of dragon, phoenix, tortoise, unicorn, white tiger, and fae, wrapped in the skin of a moonlight witch.

Then, why do my dreams cripple me? The only reason I can think of is to teach me to use the insides, the powers coming from my spirit and not my body. My body is very important and vital to me. But perhaps not so much in my dreams.

And I think this piece of art, beyond anything, is one of the greatest ways I can understand myself. Every time I look at it, I weep. I even have that same cane. I know Shinga and I barely know each other, but she knows chronic pain. She knows what being a warrior means. She was in the US Army and was badly injured and treated so poorly during therapy that she has severe PTSD. She is disabled badly. She knows battles. And I want to hold her and hold her and tell her what this means to me.
(Note: Please please refer to Shinga before borrowing or using this image. Please use the Deviant Art link. This is her work. Copyright Shinga. The only reason I displayed the actual image was in case someone can't click on the link.)
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)



You lift your head to ask if this is a dream. She presses her finger to your lips and smiles. As she gently places the shining blossom into your outstretched hands, she whispers, "This will be safe inside you. Together, you will understand." You want to ask her everything, but you know you mustn't. She kisses your lips and stands tall. Raising her arms, she fades slowly. The air is filled with the scent of the sacred lotus. You press the flower to your breast and it vanishes, sinking inside you. And you begin to understand.
You find her in the swamp itself. This time she is wearing faded denim shorts and a sleeveless top, muscled abdomen and arms well exposed, bronze skin glistening. She is knee deep in muddy water, examining each blossom with careful fingers. She looks up at you with bright green eyes and smiles widely. Her hair is blacker than the darkest muddy water, tied back with satin. She looks so young and so old.
"Are you here for another one?" she asks. "Never mind, of course you are. Hold on. I need to find yours." She moves slowly, dipping her hands in up to the wrists until her skin is masked in mud.
"They're sleepy today," she says. "Here, talk. Ask which one wants you and I'll take it."
"Do I have to come into the mud?" you ask, preparing to remove your shoes.
"No, no, just call out. They'll hear you even far away."
You take a deep breath, focus on the flowers floating all around the woman, and say, "Dear blossom, come to me." You aren't sure if that will work. But then the woman nods. She tilts her head one way and the other. She turns around and walks a foot, then slowly bends at the knees and carefully scoops up a richly pink lotus that looks exactly like all the others. She whispers something, and the flower begins to glow. Grinning, the woman walks out of the swamp and holds out the flower. "Perfect!" she says. "Instant connection. Good job."
You cup your hands and she slides your lotus into your hands. There is a small amount of mud; it feels cool and refreshing, with a slight tingling. The lotus shines so brightly that you need to squint, and it disappears into your hands, under your skin.
You blink at the woman. "So that's it?"
She smiles. "Nope. Never. But you're learning more as you go. I'll see you when you're ready to come back. You'll know where I'll be."
You want to ask something, something important. You have forgotten. You just feel blissful. You reach out, and she hugs you tightly, burying her face in your hair. You rest your chin on her shoulder. She smells like lotus and frankincense and pure joy.
"I'll come home soon," you murmur. She just nods. Nothing else needs to be said.
The lotus flowers are in full bloom, all of them. You stand naked and waist deep in the swamp, surrounded. The blossoms and glowing gently, swimming around you. Your guide is nowhere. You cannot call out, or speak, or even whisper. You draw in a breath. A small pink petal floats on the air toward you and presses itself on your tongue. No, you think. I must not speak. You are crowded by flowers. Instinct speaks, and you fall back until the lotus flowers catch you. You are floating on a shining bed of full lotus blossoms. You are covered in tingling mud. You open your mouth and light streams from it. A single whole flower lifts and slowly flies to you and settles gently in your mouth. You breathe in very slowly, and the lotus becomes pure energy that pours down your throat like a refreshing drink. You close your eyes. Everything makes sense. You are everywhere. You begin to laugh, but you do not know if it is in your mind or through your mouth.
"There you go!" says a familiar golden voice. "How do you feel now?" You open your eyes. You cannot stop laughing like a child. The Lotus Woman has eyes that cycle through every shade of green, and you find it fascinating. She reaches for you, and you reach for her. She scoops you up and carries you to a heated rock beyond the swamp. There are clothes waiting for you, folded on another rock. The Lotus Woman helps you sit up. She produces a wood brush and slowly combs your hair, letting the bright, bright sun dry the muddy water away. She carefully rubs you down with a towel that feels like silk and cotton. You look at her, finally, and notice that now she is wearing a red sundress that moves like water, with boots polished like mirrors.
She finishes smoothing you down and helps you into undergarments, blue slacks, a red tee shirt, and boots similar to hers.
"We're going to the healing room," she says, "if you'd like. There will be oil massage and saunas and showers of all kinds. Now that you have your next lotus, I think you'll appreciate the new magic."
You just feel so much bliss, so much joy, so much euphoria, that you only nod and smile widely. She taps her finger on your nose. "Now, don't get excited. That'll fade. We need to make sure it doesn't overwhelm you. It's supposed to become part of you, remember?"
Licking your lips and taking a deep breath, you say, "Yes. I'll remember." Your voice sounds like small bells inside your head.
You hold the Lotus Woman's hand and shield your eyes from the sun with your other hand. She is leading you far from the swamp, but it is all right. You will be back soon, of course.
It is the way she looks at you, with that quirky smile and those gleaming dark green eyes.
You hold out your cupped hands, trying not to tremble, trying not to disturb the velvety white lotus nestled against your fingers.
"Is this your gift to me?" she asks.
"Yes," you say. "You have helped me so much... and I know you always have these, but I found this one right where I live, and, I mean, I know they're so rare, but..."
She holds up a hand, smiling so widely. "It's okay, sweetheart. I understand." She very carefully takes the lotus from you, holds it to her lips, and kisses the petals. "Thank you. It's perfect."
"Maybe... maybe tomorrow," you say shakily, "we can go to the swamp and... you know... talk to the other flowers?"
She tilts her head and her eyes fill with compassion. "Oh, darling," she murmurs. "Don't be so nervous. There's no need to be shy. This is your world. We will do anything you wish."
You nod, your throat thick with tears. You have no idea what to say next. You realize you don't need to say a word. You watch as she holds your white lotus gift to her breast, and you watch as the lotus turns into golden light, and you watch as the lotus melts into her bronze skin, and you watch as she draws a deep deep breath, exhaling into the sky. Suddenly, you feel a massive weight lifted, spiraling away from the top of your head. Energy fills you starting at your feet and moving in a rush until it reaches the same top of your head. You feel absolute and complete ecstasy, euphoria, tranquility, and serenity. You draw a deep deep breath, exhaling into the sky. You want to laugh, so you laugh. And she laughs with you.
You feel how deeply the universe lives inside you. You laugh, and you embrace everything you can reach, until you feel yourself glowing. You dance and dance, and she takes your hands and joins you, and the universe dances with you.
This time, you are standing ankle-deep in a swamp at midnight. Everything is glowing blue - the sky, the water, the lotus flowers, your skin.
The Lotus Woman is sitting in front of you, cross-legged, surrounded by blue and white lotus blossoms all in full bloom. Her bronze skin, her black hair, her green eyes... everything about her is shining with pale blue light.
You feel comforted and serene in a way you have never known at such a deep level. You carefully sit down in the same position, letting the mud flow against you. You and she are both dressed in shorts and sleeveless tops, no shoes, your hair both unbound. The mud sinks effortlessly into your skin.
Neither of you speak. After a few minutes, one lotus blossom floats into your lap, white and blue and covered in dew drops. You very gently pick it up and it dissolves into your skin with an intense burst of blue and white light.
She grins and laughs, clapping her hands. "Oh, yay! I was hoping you would get that one. It's been waiting for you."
You smile and shrug. "I guess I've been waiting too."
The dozens of flowers float and spin around you both, several touching your skin and her skin, merging with you in tiny light bursts that feel like soft winds. She holds out her hands and you reach out and you grasp them tightly.
You don't know how long you sit and meditate, but it doesn't matter. Forever can fit inside a single moment, after all.
The white and blue lotus blossoms swirl around you, lifting your soul, until the entire world is filled with light, and you feel completely at peace, bursting with serenity.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Let's see. *fingercounting* Sleep seizure, postictal migraine, pulled muscle in my neck, extreme hypertonia with hemiparesis and ghost nerve sensations in the left arm, hip pain, sciatica, chondromalacia patella, TMJ, difficulty swallowing and speaking due to spastic ataxic cerebral palsy complexities, ankle pain due to tripping over my own feet, right wrist pain due to ulnar nerve entrapment, mild asthma attack, difficulty working both hands, hay fever, swelling in right knee...
And of course the wonderful fibromyalgia flare.
*fingercounting* Eighteen distinctive symptoms. So far.
Pain level: Eight on a one to ten scale.
Oooh, eight! My favorite number and also the infinity symbol when turned on its side! *clapping* Clapping hurts, but fuck it. *more clapping*
Thank you, pills and special stretching and mind over body quantum magics. I have no idea what Normal is right now, but at least I am conscious and moving. That is a wonderful thing. I still win.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Well, I am still feeling that bizarre euphoric buzzing all over. My brain is sparking all over. Tiny baby neural pathways are weaving and dancing around dead and damaged parts to form brand new tinier baby pathways. I can see them. I can feel them. Blue and purple in all shades. Each with its own sense of emotional self and frequency. Which is the point. I am still feeling symptoms of chronic pain and all. But I am starting to form this conscious communication with the whole consciousness in my body, which I have never done before. This is after just one session of craniosacral therapy with Feldenkrais Method. The therapist said to grab on and hold that feeling for as long as possible, try to direct it, keep communicating, keep listening. No fear, no worry, no fighting, no anger, no judgement, no upset, no anxiety. No judgement. Just let go. Just let be. I am going to do my best.

From now on, whenever someone suggests I try a method they think will work, I will thank them and smile, and it doesn't matter if I never try their method or take their advice. Nothing will matter except listening and communicating and understanding and knowing the inside of myself. Because I've been there. That's where I went during that altered state. Pulsing blood vessels and veins and fibrous tissue and muscles and skin and bones and brain matter and and and everywhere. I can't come back from that without being changed or altered. I'm more ME than I think I have ever been.

I will always have these disabilities. Craniosacral and Feldenkrais therapies will not make them go away. But the therapies will allow me to work with MYSELF, deeply, powerfully, intensely. And that is all I want. I don't care about finding a cure or being fixed anymore. Maybe one day... it will just happen on its own. Just because. I'm not waiting for that day.
I'm just going to live. And communicate. Hello, body. A pleasure to meet you.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Craniosacral therapy with Feldenkrais Method.
So, wow. Yeah. Like, WOW. Up to eleven.

It was such an amazing, indescribable thing. There was the usual craniosacral bit, and Peggi was amazing. And then, very suddenly, I... wasn't there anymore. It was not an "out of body" experience. It was an "in body" experience. I still can't find the words. I felt myself inside... inside someplace. Some-me. I was electric. I was a neuron, perhaps? I don't know. I don't KNOW. Peggi spoke, and my eyes snapped open, and for a minute I didn't know where I was. I was groggy, but filled with a weird energy, a crazy intensity. She told me I had entered an altered state of consciousness, that it was normal, that I should just rest. My brain felt... settled. My body felt... settled. Aligned? When Peggi helped me off the table, my pelvis shifted and aligned all on its own and my posture became practically perfect. It felt bizarre. I still had pain, but Peggi said that was normal. She said that the goal was to communicate, to be conscious of my body, to understand my pain and my disabilities rather than fighting. Listen, learn, grow. If my pain asked for a certain drug in my arsenal, a certain supplement, a certain exercise or stretch... I needed to listen.

My synesthesia is still going wild. Colors and sounds are emotional. I need to pull back a little. So much conscious energy. So much power flooding all these parts of me not used to having all this energy and spark. Mom suggested writing everything down and recording the length of time it all lasts. A few days. A week. Two weeks. I plan on seeing Peggi again next month.

So, yeah.
I can't even.

It is not my place to say if it is a good treatment method for anyone else. Maybe, maybe not. You are not me. But all I can say is that whatever Peggi did on this very first treatment did something extraordinary, and I think it really will help in the long run.

I crave more coffee now. I just... do. Already had chocolate. My body wants what it wants. I shall listen.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Bookmarked, etcetera.
Copied from and edited for spelling issues, because I can.

"Amber is a stone of cleansing and purification. It symbolizes the Sun's energy and therefore it is suitable for awakening joy, and stimulating light and warm feelings. Amber attracts love and provokes happiness and pleasure. It is often used as a stone for good luck and protection. It can also be considered as the right stone for gathering strength during rehabilitation and accelerating the process of regeneration after long illnesses.

The color of amber is waxy honey-yellow. It can also be found with bluish, greenish, reddish or brown nuances. Amber is fossilized resin from the family of pine trees, which have died and lost their water millions of years ago. Amber can float on water. It is clear from the above that this stone is not a crystal in the strict sense of the word, it is rather considered to be a mineraloid due to its origin (fossilized tree sap).
Amber is most abundant in the Dominican Republic, Poland, Latvia, Italy, Spain and Mexico.

The magic features of amber were discovered by Thales of Milet, some 2600 years ago. In Greece, the name for yellow amber is electron, and from this the term electricity was derived. The amber necklace is a sort of electricity capacitors, able to auto-charge and recharge and to help the owner get rid of the eventual charge loads or excesses.

Amber represents a spiritual thread that is able to connect the individual energy with the Cosmic energy, as well as the individual soul with the Cosmic soul. Amber symbolizes the Solar, Spiritual, and Divine attractive Power.

The origin of amber gives us hits about its spiritual qualities, which can become obvious if we take a look at trees as entities with roots descending deep into the earth, and branches ascending towards the sky. In spiritual sense, trees connect the earth with the sky by transforming the Sun's energy with help from the mineral kingdom, and at the end deliver energy in form of fruits. Therefore, the life force of the tree can carry, transform and deliver energy.

Similarly, amber is considered to be a medium that grounds the spiritual energy into the physical body for as long as it is necessary in order to be permeated with light. The other direction is also possible: in case of lacking grounding spiritual energy, amber can initiate a feeling of connection to the physical plane.
This somewhat explains why amber is so helpful in eliminating depression. Depression is often accompanied by a feeling of excessive bonding to earthly possessions, or can be caused by a lack of connection to our physical existence and its benefits. Either way, amber can be very efficient.

Amber increases creativity and helps accept the inevitable changes in life. It is an excellent stone for eliminating the self-imposed barriers. It helps build positive attitude in our own abilities. Amber promotes fertility. Many early carvings in amber were devoted to depicting animals that are traditionally considered symbols of fertility: frogs, rabbits and fishes. It is believed to be the first material ever used in ornaments and decorative purposes, and can be also found as talismans and amulets. Many ancient traditions have considered amber to be the stone of universal life force, as it encloses life within.
This gentle stone can draw negative energies out of the body, clean the spirit and heart. It helps us reveal the ancient wisdom and knowledge, enabling the body to heal itself by means of absorbing and transmuting the negative energies into positive, and negative thoughts into positive ones.

It stimulates the intellect, increases mental clarity and transforms the energy of physical vitality into unconditional love. It aligns the energies of the etheric, physical, astral and mental body. Balancing the electro-magnetism of the microcosm, amber brings a steady stream of perfect order that should be applied to the requirements of the physical plane. It calms the nerves, while enabling making right decisions.
It is an excellent detoxification tool and can protect from radiation, especially from x-rays, computers, and other harmful sources of energy. It opens the solar plexus chakra, and strengthens the self-respect. It can be used in rituals for beautification and increasing attractiveness. It can help attract love and stimulate happiness and pleasure.

Amber protects from illnesses, helps diminish pain during childbirth, if placed on the solar plexus it can ease problems with the belly, gall bladder, liver, thymus, it can stop nose bleeds, remove headaches, sore throat, and fevers. Amber also calms the kidneys, teeth (a small piece of amber in the mouth can ease toothache), joints, various bone-related problems, arthritis, and rheumatism.
Amber calms the central nervous system, improves memory, helps in cells regeneration and restores balance.

When put on the skin, it can help with all types of allergies. For pain removal, amber should be put on the affected area. Amber should never be cleaned. It can be charged in sunlight. For self-healing only stones without fossilized insects within should be selected."
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Also, we went to the Ranger Surplus in Bethesda. After a long conversation with an employee about cerebral palsy, I wound up with a pair of Army boots that should help stabilize me well enough. And now the employee knows to suggest such boots to people with certain disabilities. I feel as if I made a friend and helped some sort of cause.
Rothco Jungle Boots. Oh damn, these are comfortable. Thank you husband, and thank you awesome employee at Ranger Surplus Bethesda who got into a whole fantastic conversation with me about cerebral palsy and good shoes. (Size 4 men's, which would be a size 6 women's for me. Yup. Awesome.)
A pair of Doc Martens Boots and a pair of Rothco Jungle Boots. Fitted with strong, comfy insoles. Oh, I have never been so excited about lace up military style boots. It is also a great and good challenge for my fine motor coordination issues.

And: Today has been a busy and awesome day so far. Brunch to celebrate my best friend's birthday, with nearly two dozen dear friends I haven't seen in months and years. I drank half a beer, even. It tasted like chocolate and caramel. The pills, including Soma and Klonopin, have helped me be in much less pain and much more social. My friends are amazing. I must socialize more often, truly.

Energy flowing between two people can be so extraordinary that it can energize in fascinating ways. So thank you, Jess, for helping me stay steady and stable in the midst of my own chaos. I hope the charoite pendant I gave you is helping you in as many ways as possible, even charged with my own humming wild fluid chaotic energy. We must absolutely get together again and talk about it all.
I've decided to wear pendants of lepidolite and chaorite together, along with the three lepidolite bracelets and the three charoite rings. They do calm and energize me in fantastically intense ways that I want to explore completely.

Research time, extremely. I must figure out if these bodywide spasms and twitches are due to cerebral palsy hypertonic spasticity, muscle fatigue from either or both cerebral palsy and or fibromyalgia, seizure auras primarily displaying motor and autonomic simple partial seizures, physical coldness, or plain exhaustion. I would consider all of the above, since cerebral palsy and epilepsy love to dance together like whirling dervishes.

I am very drained and tired, but I am still filled with social energy from the parties. I didn't realize that was a thing. My aura things are still buzzing and humming. This is fascinating. I need to analyze it. I had no idea I could be exhausted and still energized in such a specific psychic way.
I guess I must again thank Jess for her calming energy. My energy is always rushing, moving, streaming, even when I am fully tranquil. Something inside me is always moving faster and more intensely than I ever could, and I can rarely catch up with it. I still don't understand what it is.

Dude, magnolia bark makes for awesome sleep, but also for the most insane, bizarre, wild dreams ever. I even remember parts. I can't even begin to describe last night's biggest dream. I barely understood it while I was dreaming and I certainly cannot understand it while awake. After waking up, for about twenty minutes I had absolutely no proprioception and I wondered if I was still dreaming. That was not the fault of the 400 mg of magnolia, though, that was just cerebral palsy insanity. Damn brain damage.

Dear dreams: Please continue to be awesome, but try to tone it down just a little. Maybe some less creepy and grotesque imagery.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
I love getting gifts in exchange for giving gifts.

So, a dear online jeweler friend of mine customized a very personal ring for me: kyanite in the center, lepidolite and charoite on either side, wrapped in silver wire. She also made me another ring with a center charoite stone and two lapis lazuli side stones.
Another friend made me a citrine bracelet and a lepidolite bracelet. Another friend will be sending me unpolished Baltic amber bracelets. From another friend, I'll be getting Reiki-infused bracelets of blue kyanite and multi-color tourmaline.

I am highly metaphysical and spiritual about gemstones and minerals, so wearing all these stones against my skin actually causes my mind and body to react in amazing, wonderful ways. Some people will tell me it is all a simple placebo effect; I will accept that, having been raised by an atheist skeptic. But if gemstone energy helps me in any way, then more power to it, literally.
brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 5)

When there is darkness in front of me, there is light at my back, even if I cannot see it. If the darkness surrounds me and melts into me, so does the light, even if I cannot feel it. I always try to find my light, even if I have no idea where to start.

I have been so psychically tired. So fatigued. So exhausted. Today I got a wonderful day-long energy boost from supplements like yerba mate and green coffee extract, containing small amounts of caffeine that were smooth enough to help me without side effects. However, the fatigue and exhaustion were very mental and emotional. Depression is horrid. This will end, with help and remedy and treatment. But it is still horrid, and it will return, and even though I will always stand guard and fight, I get more and more beaten down.

Replenishing myself can be fun, exciting, fascinating, and weird in all manner of ways, since I love all sorts of reclusive nerd and geek activities, certain books and songs and films and and television series that entertain me over and over without boredom or annoyance. I can watch every episode of "Futurama" and "My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic" and "Babylon 5" and "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and most of "Star Trek Deep Space Nine" and "Firefly", read every Seanan McGuire book, listen to certain songs, watch movies like "Boondock Saints" and "The Princess Bride" and "Serenity" over and over and over until words are cemented into my mind and I am babbling character quotes everywhere.

I am so very relieved for the pharmaceutical pills and supplement pills that I can take every day, plus exercises and meditative techniques that really do help me despite what people think.
I am constantly astounded every time someone says, "Wow, are you still having problems? I thought that treatment was supposed to help already! Why isn't that pill working yet?" Etc. Oh, lovelies. No, those treatments and pills have been working and helping. You just haven't seen how. You can't see inside me. The treatments just aren't working the way you think they should, that's all. They work slowly, they sometimes fail because nothing is perfect, and quite often they need to reroute around my severely damaged brain processing, which desperately needs a special reboot. Maybe hypotherapy, something non-drug to really rewire and reconnect that dying and the dead inside my neurology.
And so my fighting continues, and I wash the psychic blood off so often that I am either raw or glowing.
It echoes my outside a little, the way I care for my skin, the way I wear careful cosmetics. How my distorted body image penetrates so deep that I cannot look at myself to see what others see. But I am trying, my lovelies. I really am. I am always doing my best.

Today, I applied a nail polish called Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Miracle Nail Polish in Divine Wine. Love it. Divine Wine is a dark, dark wine red, more red than wine. Ruby or crimson or pomegranate red. Very shiny, fairly shimmery. Plus, the varnish itself actually contains nail-strengthening ingredients, like biotin and keratin and peptides and chondroitin, so it could essentially help nails grow stronger and quicker, which is awesome. This pleases me.
My fingers look bloody and gorgeous. The color reminds me very much of a darker version of Sally Hansen MoistureTwist Lip Gloss in Cherry Twist. Or maybe It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush in Pretty Woman, which is a very deep, dark bloody cherry brownish berry red, which I am wearing in most of my profile photos.
A nice bing cherry red with slight gold shimmer. Dark red like cherries or pomegranates or movie blood or maybe really dark red wine, not purple but maybe with brown and pink undertones.
The varnish got all over my cuticles and I look like a baby vampire who got too excited with a first feed. There are streaks of colors on my left palm and thumb and index finger ad my right pinky finger, and it's sort of deep pinkish red with tiny sparkles.
I cannot stop staring at my fingers. So shimmery. So red. I want to drink pomegranate juice mixed with wine. I want to cover myself with healing energy, defensive energy, all the power I can find, the colors of the elements and blood and the sky and magic and the universe itself.

And so, I am a warrior princess pixie dragon girl who will always be around when someone needs help or advice. I will always lend a hand, a shoulder, a spear, a sword, a shield, a flame, a cane, a crutch, a pair of wings. I will never stop. It is what I do. It is what I am.

brightlotusmoon: (Default)
There has been a small demand for new photos of Rose. They'll come eventually, when we get around to using a camera.

Had a bad Moment last night, where the anorexia reared its head and I felt like I could easily slip back into it. I slapped myself out of it with a dinner of shrimp and spinach salad. Since coming home from vacation, I've been focusing on mindful eating, relearning how to eat less and fill up more. I'm trying not to spin it out of control, keep it healthful. Eating too much is painful; eating too much junk is extremely painful. My pants fit better, I'll say that.

Tonight, Adam had a problem with his neck and right shoulder; likely a muscle tear. My fingers aren't strong enough for deep tissue massage, so I poured energy into my efforts and it led to an interesting discovery: Adam says that my energy is cool, earthy, airy, slightly watery, silky green and flowing blue with a hint of yellow and lavender, full of order. But if I push too much, I get so dark I feel almost empty to him, like a channel or conduit. His energy, in contrast, is hot and red and gray and dark yellow and white and deep and intense and chaotic, full of force. When I was really focusing, I felt the braided energy turn various shades of purple. He said it felt wonderful. He looked almost ecstatic. I must have done something right.
I also seem to take his energy and braid it with my own and use it in a unique way, similar to a catalyst. He said I just took any energy I could find and manipulated it into a pattern. Considering that half the time when I do energy work, I don't know exactly what I'm doing, it's lovely to get detailed personal feedback.
It's an intriguing sort of balance. In any case, my efforts resulted in a sort of psychic bandage; he felt physically better and his muscles relaxed. He says that he can tell how much power I've used by how my CP-affected muscles react, particularly in my face. He handed me the labradorite sphere to push the excess into; some of it trickled into my amethyst triquetra ring, which tickled a bit. I felt more relaxed.
He was happy, and impressed, and at ease, and he massaged my back and shoulders, and then I went and took a Soma, because the fibro has been flaring badly since yesterday.

Adam has to work tomorrow, so I'll spent the day inside with the cats in the warmth, observing the light dusting of snow. We went shopping with Charlotte at Big Lots and the dollar store, and we bought Shark electronic brooms for our homes. Now I can clean more easily and efficiently.

Rose just jumped into my lap to see what I was doing. Rose says hi, everyone. (No, really, she mewed at the screen.)

Bedtime now.


Aug. 7th, 2006 07:29 pm
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Upon hobbling home, I went straight upstairs fell onto the bed, and placed a pillow under my right knee. About an hour later, Adam came home. He asked to look at my knee. He poked at it for a few seconds -- which caused painful searing pressure. And then he did something that was, naturally, unexpected. He grabbed my leg, pulled it up straight, pressed down on my kneecap hard with his hand, and did something that made me scream hard enough to hurt my own ears. Warmth and pure energy flowed into my leg. Adam twisted his palm hard, pushed again, and the flow of energy pulsed, shifted and became a direct force. It braided under my skin and through my muscles. The searing pain turned to a slow, gentle, humming throb like the flow of water. After my scream died down, I asked him what had done. Or rather, I panted, "What... what... how... what did you do? What was that? What did you do to me?"
"I just put your knee back in place," he said.
"Wait," I gasped. "Back in place? Was... was my kneecap dislocated?"
He paused. "Mmm, not exactly. More like badly misaligned. Muscles and tendons and ligaments were too tight around it. I just realigned it and pushed things back in place. The muscles around your knee were tensed up and knotted, so I fixed that too."
"Oh," I said. "Oh. Okay. Thank you."
"How does it feel?"
I thought about that. "It's... warm. It tingles. It definitely feels relaxed."
"Good," he smiled.
"I still don't understand how it could have happened. All I did was get off a train!"
Adam shrugged. "You probably just stepped wrong. But it's all good now. Love you!"
And he went downstairs.
This is nothing unusual. He is a balance wizard, after all. Balancing chaos and order is his game and his natural power. That is how he sees the universe. And it's not just because he reads L.E. Modesitt's Recluce Saga like stereo instructions for magic.
My husband is just good like that.
Danny poked his head in the doorway. "I've heard screaming like that before, but for very different reasons!"
I smiled faintly. "May I ask a favor of you later? Give me some good Reiki on my knee?"
"Sure thing, hon."
And then I lay back, flexed and stretched my leg, and watched the rest of The Simpsons.

Huh. Misaligned knee. I never would have guessed. And if Adam had not come home when he did and solved the problem, it could have gotten a lot worse.

We are having steak and pasta. I love steak and pasta.


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