brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.


Apr. 19th, 2007 09:24 am
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
On the partial-birth ban: I knew it would happen eventually. I did not even know about the prodedure until a few years ago, and I don't like the idea of a partial-birth abortion, but I'm pro-choice for a reason. One of my main annoyances concerning the abortion debate is when women use abortion as a form of birth control. But in the case of partial-birth abortion, this ban troubles me, because "Late-term abortions are only used under the most compelling of circumstances-- to protect a woman's health or life or because of grave fetal abnormality....nearly all abortions are performed in the first trimester." (NARAL President Kate Michelman wrote in a Scripps Howard News Service op ed published June 16, 1996).
I don't believe this move will set back abortion rights, but a lot of people who oppose abortion are having a field day. Sigh.

I'm seeing so many debates and arguments on LJ today about civil liberties and basic human rights. I have no desire to get involved in any of them. I'm just going to say this, and I am done: I'm pro-choice, pro-gun ownership, pro-death penalty, pro-cannabis. I don't want to explain why right now. I'm not a "member" of any political party, this is what I believe personally. There. That's it. Enough. I'm not even going to argue with comments should they be commented. Y'all can say anything you wish, it's your right and your opinion and your belief and good for you, seriously; and I won't debate it.

I'll post something happier shortly.

I never did like posting about politics. It makes me tired.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Last night around eight or so, we got a knock on the door. Two young children, with an older man, stood there holding fliers. The younger child, probably no more than eight, started reading haltingly from the flier, about a community meeting taking place on Thursday to talk about "how sex before marriage is wrong and what you can do to stop people from having sex before marriage." During the speech, the man turned around and walked out the gate, leaving the little boys to stand there looking lost and worried. I was biting my cheek. I smiled politely, held out my hand, and said kindly, "Well, I don't agree with your beliefs, but I will take a flier." (just to show them the effort wasn't totally wasted). They left immediately, in a hurry, with no outward expression showing what they thought about my comment. After I shut the door, I crumpled up the flier and threw it in the trash. I was shaking my head and sighing.
I really don't believe that it's a good idea for people with a message to use children to spread a religious or moral opinion to the masses. I feel it's like cowardice -- and I'm sure this wasn't the only time an adult ushered kids up to a stranger's door and then turned and walked away to let the kids do it themselves. But I guess they think people will be less insulting and scathing to kids or something...

Either way, I told Danny about it and he was still giggling an hour later. I'm glad he wasn't the one who opened the door. Danny's list of premarital sex escapades is, shall we say, quite long. I'm not sure he would have been so polite.


brightlotusmoon: (Default)

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