brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Linda from Zosimos Botanicals sent me an email that explains some things, which was very sweet of her. I didn't actually know how this worked, so I am now informed:

"I just wanted to let you have some information that will be posted on the ZB website, which should clear up any confusion about our use of Organic ingredients:
To earn the right to display the USDA Organic symbol, a product must undergo expensive laboratory testing. As a small business, Zosimos Botanicals LLC simply does not have the ability to undergo this sort of process. We do, however, utilize Organic ingredients whenever available. Please bear in mind that several suppliers, like ourselves, are small operations producing natural ingredients that also do not bear the USDA seal. Feel assured that Zosimos Botanicals is a green business, and if we did not have that commitment we would not have been granted membership to the Co-op America Business Network, the Green Business Alliance, or be listed as a Safer Company by the Environmental Working Group which approves signatories to the Compact for Safe Cosmetics. Each of these respected entities screened our business practices, ingredients and commitment to responsible, sustainable business practices before granting admission. In addition, many Mineral Makeup ingredients are "inorganic" by their nature in a scientific sense, such as muscovite mica, titanium dioxide, tin oxide, iron oxides, silica, zinc oxide, kaolin clay, rhassoul clay, french green clay, and rose clay."

In related news, her Anti-Element Emollient balm (which has been noted as a Recommended Sunscreen by Co-Op America) is one of the best things to happen to my skin since the products at I haven't had a single blemish, breakout, eczema flare, sore spot, or bruise that did not clear up lightning quick when I applied the Emollient. It works extremely well with the Pomegranate Acai Lip Balm. Kudos to you, Linda.
Note to self: Try to make it to the Olde Towne Gaithersburg Street Festival on Sunday to see Linda at her booth.


brightlotusmoon: (Default)

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