brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 2)
Hello from the LJ user formerly known as BrightRoseFox.
Due to a complex thingy involving problems with emails and such, I have changed my LJ name, my yahoo name, and my gmail name.
Everything is now BrightLotusMoon.
If you know me well enough, you know why I am now BrightLotusMoon.
So, yeah. Just FYI.

Also.
Dear Lovelies:
Not only am I feeling so much better, I truly believe I am worth everything that people say I am. I've been getting messages, emails, phone calls, and comments from friends who have told me what I mean to them. I've been amazed and heartened and lifted and joyous.
I may be a moonlight witch, but I can't access the magic of the moon without accessing the magic of the sun. And the moon is always there, her power full constantly.
I feel bright and powerful and in full bloom, like a great lotus blossom beneath the full moon.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Sometimes I forget that this is the place I can always come to when I need to vent.

There has been pain, pain, pain, fatigue, pain, and tests. I had a brain MRI because the neurologist wanted to have an updated picture of my brain. She wants to make sure that the issues I've been having are not necessarily seizures but severe hypertonic spasms. Next month, I will have a video imaging EEG for eight hours to see how often I have seizures.
None of this worries or bothers me. I almost don't care anymore.
I hurt. I'm exhausted. Whatever. This is life. Like... my mom keeps wondering what I can do to "make it better" and at this point I just spin the wheel of answers. Nothing makes chronic pain stuff "better" - it just lessens the symptoms.

So, anyway.

"In the best known version of the Greek myth, Persephone is dragged down into the underworld by Hades, whose title is 'Pluto.' But in earlier, pre-patriarchal tales, she descends there under her own power, actively seeking to graduate from her virginal naïveté by exploring the intriguing land of shadows. 'Pluto' is derived from the Greek word plutus, meaning 'wealth.' Psychologist James Hillman says this refers to the psyche-building riches available in Pluto's domain. Hades, he says, is the 'giver of nourishment to the soul.'" - Rob Brezsny

"I am channeling my matron goddess Persephone today. In the original myth, she chose to descend into the world of Hades in order to gain knowledge of the shadows. Hades had a power to nourish the soul, which patriarchal translations misinterpreted. There was no abduction. There was no assault. I always sensed something beyond the stories.
In my own Joanna way, I see Persephone as brightness and Hades as darkness. The lotus and the moon. Mage of light and mage of dark.
The story of Persephone and Hades is probably one of the most misunderstood, misrepresented, and mistaken relationships in mythology. I have never been so relieved to see my suspicions confirmed."

I am still obsessed over the original myth of Persephone and Hades - how she so willingly and deliberately descended into the shadows, how Hades in fact was nourishment for souls. I grew up knowing that Persephone was one of my goddesses but I didn't like the patriarchal story. How wonderful and relieving to know that there never was a kidnapping. The more I meditate on my connection with their relationship, the more I feel powerful, relieved, relaxed, and free. I may one day figure out enough lucid dreaming to really communicate with the part of the gods that resides in my Higher Brain and Subconscious mix. You know, the Quantum Psychic Consciousness.
Oh. I'm professoring again. Cough.
In conclusion, polytheism is awesome and if you can connect to the deities that call you, it can be enlightening.


So, anyway, all my medicines and treatments have been wonderful and ideal. Yay.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
'Reborn' by Laura Sava (anotherwanderer.deviantart.com/)
'Mirabella' by Rachel Anderson (www.silverstars.us/‎)

Two forms of my own story character, Asha Clara Night, my strongest, most individual, most personal fiction character.

These paintings. Completely different images that look almost exactly like incarnations of the same character of my own subconscious creation Women who look almost exactly like the dreamself I am becoming in my dreams and visions.

Laura-sava-Reborn

Rachel Anderson Mirabella


She was in my dreams last night and many nights before. I haven't decided exactly who she is yet, but in my dreams her name is Asha, meaning "desire, hope, hopeful; life; alive; she who lives." Which says so much, so so much.

She is another dreamself, not a spirit guardian, but much closer to my Self than my other characters (Alicia, Serena, Ananta: my spirit guardian coping mechanisms for epilepsy, memory loss, insomnia, sleep problems, [Alicia], chronic pain and fatigue, depression, anxiety, physical disabilities [Serena], neurology, neurodivergence, autism, total mind-body connection [Ananta].

Asha seems to represent many internal things about my emotions, my heart and mind, my rhyme and reason, my logic, my science, my creativeness and creativity, my power, my energy, my beauty. If she were to reveal herself as a guardian, she would be for emotional states, creative thoughts, desires, loves, patterns, ideas.
Asha is definitely powerful in a way I always wanted to be since childhood: Fae and and Elemental Mage and Neurodivergent and Autistic Witch and Quantum Magic Scientist and Story Crafter and Shape Shifter and Magic Librarian and Magic Keeper.

Asha seems to represent my deep, obsessive, compulsive wish and desire to be one of the psionic-mage superhumans in my stories, to take over for be when I feel failure and self-loathing and terror and panic. I think Asha may in fact be an actual entity, one who communicates outside instead of simply speaking into my visions, dreams, pain flare withdrawings, anxiety attacks.

All I know is that Asha was in every dream last night and throughout the past several sleeps, long detailed intense dreams, and she quoted Kosh. She spoke in a soprano version of my voice that could sing. She was always here She is always here. She has always been here.
I think she was with me since I was a baby. In different forms, in different species, with different names, in different imaginary beings, in different fictional characters. She was made of fire. She used to be a phoenix, a unicorn, a dragon, a star, a nebula. I know Asha. I know Asha in the way I hope to know myself.

The thing is, Asha has a fully active voice when I am completely conscious, aware, awake, functional, and stable. She didn't completely create herself, but she grew and evolved over my lifetime in her own way as a character in my subconscious. She took ideas I worked with and wove them into her personality, behavior, and mentality. My disabilities are hers. She stayed and changed and grew with me like a permanent piece of my spirit. Asha also represents my fluid sexuality - I often visit her in the place she calls home and we make love, representing my desires for love and orientation.

She lives with Alicia in the Wonderland cottage, but she freely moves about my brain more often. She shapeshifts into elemental energies, she moves around my hippocampus and amygdala and temporal lobes and cingulate gyrus and thalamus and auditory cortex and somatosensory cortex and parital lobe and the back of my brain.
She has altered the Wonderland cottage to be something else entirely, with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, two office rooms, a large entertainment living room, a large kitchen, a basement. The outside build would contain concrete, cement, hemp and limestone, bamboo, steel. The glass windows are shatterproof. The doors are hemp-lime and timber. That must say something about my mind's inner workings. Especially since the main reason for hemp being illegal is due to its threat to corporate patentable synthetic fibers and wood and paper product industries, while the medicinal drug potential became subject to false claims and fear mongering alarm campaigns until the original industrial potential became buried under the alarmist anti drug campaigns. Part of me probably knows how powerful this is. Medicine from nature itself and the human brain itself is usually denied and seen as worthless.

Asha represents that part of me that firmly supports the controversial balance of traditional pharmaceutical medicine and nontraditional botanical medicine.
Asha is my activism and advocacy. Asha is the fire that moves my belief in the combination of synthetic drugs and organic drugs. Asha is the phoenix in me that rises after every defeat, every failure, every attack, every oppression, every attack and assault on my truths and faiths.

Throughout many names, faces, back stories, lives, personalities, and individual growths... she has always been Asha Clara Night. And this is how she asked me to look so I could see that there is beauty deep and shining.

I must find and thank the artists for these images, since I found myself taking these pieces of artwork and subconsciously turning them into incarnations of my own fictional character.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151978626835684&l=17dde55bf4

Asha may well be the character in that second novel after all. It won't be this Asha, my Asha; just a version, a more humanized incarnation I can bring out to show the public. This excites me. She could help me write it, just by living in my mind.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
So, I had a fascinating dream last night that was at best a "Lost Girl" fanfic and at worst a bizarre fantasy wish fulfillment. I, myself, as I am, was a Light Fae with naturally indigo hair and eyes, whose skin gained a pale purple tint while my powers were in use. I was a healer, for myself and others; I could even pull someone from the brink of death, although it weakened me. Conversely, I could also cause extreme pain and injury to the point of death. I also had inborn herbal medical knowledge and strong empathic powers that were both receptive and projective, which I used to soothe the wounded. Weirdly enough, dark purple butterfly wings would magically erupt from my shoulders while I worked and then would vanish - and I was actually able to hover and glide. Trick called my kind "airmeds" - which, in the canon universe, made sense, as they already have lokis and serkets, which are singular names of deities (Loki, Norse god of mischief, Serket, an Egyptian goddess of minor healing). Airmed is a Tuatha De Danann, a goddess of healing and resurrection.
Digressing: I have a sense that the writers may take advantage of using individual gods as Fae species. I actually love that about the Lost Girl universe. Being a singular god would be even more powerful. Makes me really wonder if the Wanderer is a god himself.
Returning to the dream: Bo and I became lovers for a bit, as I found her chi and powers fascinating, and we would feed on each other during sex. It appeared that I was immune to Bo's succubus blood, that if she bled on me I would not become enamored or obsessed (ie, Ryan the loki). I also slept with Hale a few times, and having a siren and an empath together was rather hilarious. Interestingly enough, Kenzi didn't mind.
I became useful when Kenzi was attacked by a wolf shifter that Dyson had to kill. The fact that I was unable to heal my own brain injury fascinated both Trick and Evony, as well as the Una Mens. The dream started fading as Bo and Kenzi invited me to crash with them for a while while I was being hunted, since an active airmed with an healing-resistant brain injury was extremely rare and highly sought-after for medical experiments. I mean, if the wounds I healed were severe enough, I would break down sobbing and spasming, have a seizure, and then become near-catatonic for several minutes. That's not a good thing for a Fae desperately needed in battle.
There was a point where I expressed specific distaste with Doctor Lauren. I still don't like her much. Bo and Dyson should really keep acting on their love for each other. I know Dyson is 1500 years old and patient, but really. And then there is Tamsin. Mmm, Tamsin.

I believe the main reason I had such a dream with such a highly specific original character was because I was researching the healing abilities of the indigo plant as well as the transformative mythology of the butterfly. Still... fascinating. I didn't feel like a Mary Sue. Considering that "Lost Girl" is filled to the brim with potential Mary Sue characters both in canon and in fanfiction, I imagine my character's Faeness rated low.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
And... some days I wake up from ethereal dreams I barely remember having the intense sense of former pointed ears, former wings growing from my shoulders, and a former unicorn horn growing from my forehead. If I look in a mirror before the dream is fully shaken, my eyes still have a faceted crystal glow, white enough to show every color, ringed by blue-tinted midnight black, and my skin shines from beneath, light rippling across my hands, like reflections in rivers.
Sometimes in those moments I just don't feel human. And it makes me feel wonderful.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
Back pain back pain back pain backpain backpain backpain NNNGGHH.
It's the lumbar area, leading to sciatica down both legs. Of course, you know? I've got an appointment with my new orthopedist on January sixth, and we're going to get be fitted for true customized orthotics... although I am going to insist they be cushioned, if not highly comfortable. The ones I had as a teenager actually made my feet hurt whilst walking. I still have the left one from those days. It is not comfortable. I understand practicality and function, but still.
Nnngh. Back, hips, legs, knees, ankles. Come on, drugs, work faster.

When we came home from grocery shopping, I looked up at the stairs and whispered, "Mama's home, Rose." I had meant it merely for her memory, for her spirit that now lived in the house, free to leave the clay statue that was a vessel, as Adam had not bound her to it. Adam said, "She's still gone, sweetheart." And I knew, and I reminded him that it was just... oh, I couldn't even find the words. It was just for her ghost. But he knew. We held each other and he knew.

My friends have cried for me, I think, more than I've cried for myself. I will have pockets of moments in which I will break down in gasping sobs, but they are so quick and triggered. A brush that had moved through her fur while I was comforting her in her lethargy, before I understood what was really happening, tufts of fur clinging to the bristles that I may not remove for a while. My pillow, and the soft bean-bag type pillow behind it that served as a general cat pillow but which was generally used by Rose especially in the mornings. A bag of Greenies treats that I realized I no longer had to move to a high place where Rose couldn't grab it and tear into it. Sitting in this desk chair, now, and knowing that Rose will never jump onto my lap and rub her cheeks over my mouth. She will not curl up on the floor, waiting for me to announce that Mama is going to bed so she can lead me there and see me to sleep. Oh. Yes, I'm in tears now. Oh, babygirl. Luna is on my lap now, kissing me, nuzzling. In her own Luna way.

We will be adopting another cat. Yes. It may be sooner than anyone thinks. I've already dreamed of her. I've already named her. I already know her age range. But... you know, someones through the grief and the numbness and the deep deep shock and the horror of physical death, we know deep deep inside that even if it takes only a week or two to get another pet, it is nothing like a replacement. It just means that the throbbing empty hollow burning in our hearts might start to heal, just a little. Luna is still my heart and soul, my queen and my moon goddess, my precious love. Jupiter is still my beautiful big boy, my chatty feline child who brightens my day just by smiling. The new kitten, the new young cat, will never be Rose. She will be herself.
Rose is never coming back, not even in a new incarnation. I'm not even sure I want that; it might hurt too deeply. Rose herself was already the reincarnation of Adam's patchwork dog, Ralph. Rose spent five glorious years learning to love and be loved. In Buddhism, that is a vital thing. All animals understand this. It is slightly Jainist. Adam and I, in our eclectic paganism, are mildly Buddhist in various, often conflicting, ways. It is not possible for us to be fully Buddhist in any way, but eclecticism is a wide arena.

"Life is a journey.
Death is a return to earth.
The universe is like an inn.
The passing years are like dust.
Regard this phantom world
As a star at dawn, a bubble in a stream,
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp - a phantom - and a dream"
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Seizure happened in the kitchen. Jupiter meowed and rubbed against me while I crouched. Adam came in and gently lay me on the floor. My eyes were open and blank. Adam touched my face and reached for my mind, and I spasmed and gasped and blinked. I asked why I was on the floor. Adam helped me up and stood me against the large freezer. My memory is swirling. Alicia is holding me. Earlier, Adam said he told his boss, a fellow animal lover, that he needed an extra day to care for his wife. I rolled my eyes and said that was not necessary; that I was fine. Never mind. It was so dark and so white equally braided as order and chaos magics. I was spinning at ninety-nine percent light speed and thirty-five miles an hour. The world was elsewhere. A few seconds lasted a thousand years. Adam suggested I go upstairs and rest. Jupiter is suggesting a cuddle. I am thinking coffee and clonazepam and baclofen. I am made of light and love and pure order-chaos magic in its simplest form. I can give myself the right strength. May be that I can regenerate. As brightly and intensely as a Time Lord. I always shine enough for everyone.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Some random rambling about my own mind, my imaginary friends, and how my mind likes to invent coping mechanisms that talk back.

One of my imaginary friends, Amara, who is the human coping mechanism in charge of all the neurochemical, neurodevelopmental fuctions, has been interacting with me more and more ever since Alicia (the epilepsy mechanism) and Serena (the pain, fatigue, psychological, neurobiological functions) urged her to show herself more often after I fell into a chemical depression with severe anxiety. Serena and Koan could only do so much.

Amara, at the beginning of her creation, was not even human; formless and elemental. These days, she is human shaped but she loves to take bits of my writerbrain as inspiration. Her ears are pointed and her eyes and hair change color with her moods. She likes to mimic my bone structure and basic figure shape, just with more muscle intensity. Serena says it's because Amara wants to show me that I am beautiful.
Also, when I saw a Google image painting of a woman with elf ears and a unicorn horn, posing with a unicorn, Amara insisted I make it my current Facebook cover photo. She made herself up to resemble like that character while still mimicking my features, including the horn that represents the third eye - just with chestnut brown streaks in her white-lavender hair and honey brown flecks in her intense blue eyes... although none of that is her true coloring. When she made herself human, her coloring randomly became alabaster skin, gold eyes, and pale flame hair, essentially inhuman. But she kept the mirror shape of my skeletal structure and body shape. She even plumped her lips, made her eyes bigger, and made her nose smaller, because she knew I desired that. It makes me smile, which I think she likes. She wears the same jewelry as me, the same clothing colors, the same makeup colors. She is determined to "reboot" the parts of my brain that are having trouble accepting the recent flooding overload of information about these disabilities and chronic illnesses. The name Amara means everlasting, eternal, immortal... which is why she was formless and elemental to begin with. I finally understand why I created her. And she wouldn't mind being the inspiration for any stories I write. I'm grateful for that.
She insists that my jaw, hair, and eyes resemble the jaw, hair, and eyes of Elena Risteska from Macedonia, which I agreed with and humbly accept with a simple thanks. The only way I even knew about Miss Risteska was through searching for shades of brown.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e2/Elena_risteska.JPG
http://img27.fansshare.com/pic34/w/elena-risteska/1200/12861_elena_risteska.jpg
http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/18051115/Elena+Risteska+elena+r.jpg
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/p480x480/578088_479387062121006_1822646409_n.jpg
http://img27.fansshare.com/pic34/w/elena-risteska/1200/12858_elena_risteska.jpg
http://tekstovi-pesama.com/g_img2/1/e/28986/elena%2520risteska-10.jpg
She just wants me to feel better, to feel my own positive human emotions. Since Amara is still learning about humanity, she looks to Serena for help. In my dreams, they have amazing conversations.
I'm so glad I created these characters. They help keep me sane, emotionally stable, intellectually stable, and psychically curious. Also, every time I meditate and concentrate on my third eye, I actually feel a short unicorn horn on my forehead.
https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1469926_10151743304270684_204893984_n.jpg
I just love that my own mind is creative enough to make up whole people with entire personalities, back stories, individual appearances, individual likes and dislikes, and actual behaviors. They mainly come to me in sleep dreams, daydreams, and meditations. My psychotherapist adores the fact that they exist, which relieves me. It's just one of those things that I, Joanna, have in my brain to help me handle all the stuff that life gives me. Awesome.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Warrior)
http://www.upworthy.com/best-explanation-of-religion-i-have-ever-heard-and-im-practically-an-atheist

Dear every religious person: Listen to this. This guy is a bishop, and he's better at explaining organized religion as separate from the godhead than almost anyone I have ever heard. Dear every nonreligious person: You will be nodding vigorously and appreciating people like this man so much you'll wish every religious person was like him.

This is why I'm pagan. This is why I have no religion. The godhead - a single god, many gods, a source of energy, the higher self, nature, the universe, however you want to identify with it - has nothing to do with praise, fear, love, hate, organization, community, or what each person does in life. It just exists. It hangs around in its own dimension, formless, genderless, minding its own business, occasionally feeding off the soma of belief from living beings who find it pretty and comforting. It lets those beings shape it into whatever form they can recognize most. And since it is so pretty and comforting, people look to it and embrace it. If it makes them feel good, hooray! But to invent controlling concepts like Heaven and Hell just to scare people into running like children to your arms - born again, as it were, as this man says - is not a good way to explain your belief systems.
I'll say it again, but I believe Neil Gaiman did it best with "American Gods" - the idea that all gods are a sort of Mobius strip, circling back to creating themselves out of the minds of humans until they become real incarnations and sustain themselves on human worship... Except I like to think they originate in dimensions both outside our worlds and within our minds. Not quite panentheism... more like the universe being our own selves.
See? I'm so eclectic I don't want anyone else to "convert" to my belief system. I don't even know how to explain it. This is what happens when I'm raised by an atheist and agnostic both with very open minds.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
Why is it that, in most dreams where I am in physical danger, I am unable to scream or move quickly?
My last dream involved a bad fall and crash at the top of the stairs, while a large group of people were downstairs having a small quiet party. Something supernatural was with me, something insidious. I grabbed the stair ledge and pulled myself up to a kneeling position. I yelled my husband's name, but it was only a whisper. I couldn't call for help, not with the shadowy creature surrounding me. I was moving so slowly. It felt as though nobody was in the house but me, me and the cats.
And abruptly, I realized that nobody was in the house. Adam was at work. There was no party. The cats were all downstairs. It was only me and the shadow entity. I struggled to call on my internal resources, my spirit guardians, but even my psychic voice was muffled. I was not afraid. I was determined. I was badly injured, and I only had myself, and my powers to create weapons and defenses were drained. I stopped trying to stand. I knelt there and mouthed words, calling on the water in the bathroom, the air circulating around the house, the earth under the house, the fire downstairs used to light the gas stove. I pulled in all into me, and with a desperate burst, I unleashed it. The shadow creature shrieked and vanished.
Without any warning at all, the house filled with presence again. There was that quiet downstairs party. I whispered my husband's name again, struggling to turn it into a cry. Someone must have heard. Adam came up the stairs and found me, sagging against the door of the bathroom, my nose bleeding. He spoke to me. He half-carried me to the bedroom and helped me lie down. He brought damp towels and tissues and water with electrolytes. I managed, somehow, to tell him that a negative spirit had entered the house and stole my strength, and I pulled all the elemental power I could to drive it away. He was very proud but also puzzled, since the house was supposed to be powerfully shielded and guarded. I was crying but I didn't mean to cry. It was just a reaction without intention. He stroked my hair and curled up with me, and me took my hand and fed me energy and power and strength, and he said, "Go to sleep, my darling. I'll be monitoring you through our psychic bond and everything will be okay. I will strengthen the wards." He needed to check on our friends. He would back be up soon.
The dream ended there.

It has been something of a recurring thing: My slowness in dreams. My exquisite agony in dreams. My whispering words in dreams. Sometimes I can barely walk for the pain in my hips and knees. Sometimes I can only speak with thoughts instead of physical words. Sometimes my body is wrapped in a floating translucent shell and it is the only way I can move. In my dreams, the pain is so much worse than in reality. But I have access to weapons of all kind and I feel safe, even if something horrible grabs me.

When I was a child, I had flying dreams every night. Even astral projection. Like my father and cousins in their younger years. And if a harmful person appeared, I just waved my right hand fiercely, shouting "Shoo! Shoo!" to make then disappear.

When I was a child, I dreamed of dragons, of ancient tortoises, of unicorns mixed with white tigers, of phoenix birds with feathers of every color. Dragons have never been dangerous to me. Even if some were, there were always other dragons who were benevolent.

It is why I always bristle when I read an article comparing chronic pain to dragons. The only way I can see such battles happening is dragon against dragon. And I am a human amalgam of dragon, phoenix, tortoise, unicorn, white tiger, and fae, wrapped in the skin of a moonlight witch.

Then, why do my dreams cripple me? The only reason I can think of is to teach me to use the insides, the powers coming from my spirit and not my body. My body is very important and vital to me. But perhaps not so much in my dreams.

And I think this piece of art, beyond anything, is one of the greatest ways I can understand myself. Every time I look at it, I weep. I even have that same cane. I know Shinga and I barely know each other, but she knows chronic pain. She knows what being a warrior means. She was in the US Army and was badly injured and treated so poorly during therapy that she has severe PTSD. She is disabled badly. She knows battles. And I want to hold her and hold her and tell her what this means to me.

http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Awaken-Warrior-and-Rise-378439320
awaken__warrior__and_rise_by_shinga-d69b9nc
(Note: Please please refer to Shinga before borrowing or using this image. Please use the Deviant Art link. This is her work. Copyright Shinga. The only reason I displayed the actual image was in case someone can't click on the link.)
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Aww, I remember writing this last year and people being very amused.
***
Bright eyed, bushy haired, bright colors, babbling due to painkillers and happy muscle relaxants and healing gemstones and all that weird pseudoscience silliness that I believe in despite my atheist agnostic upbringing.
I've been pagan since I was a teenager, so hah. Polyagnostic polytheist pantheist eclectic witch who will believe even if proven completely wrong. Even when my parents insists that it's just my brain and that psychic powers don't exist, I will agree because that is true, too. There are so many truths out there. I love quantum everything.
See, I follow the Discworld concept: Even if a deity manifests in front of be and insists it is a great god, I will tell it "That's nice. Just because you exist doesn't mean I believe in you. I believe in my Higher Brain smushed with my Subconscious, which you possibly came from. But since you are here, let's party anyway. Red wine?"
I firmly believe that Man created God, and the Universe created both Man and God, and all gods everywhere sprang fully formed from Man's brain because Man's brain is more complex and extreme than we can ever conceive. The universe is bigger than everything.
And I have also always believed in All The Gods, so whenever someone asks me if I believe in God, I always ask "Which one?" which leads to confusion and people thinking I'm, like, evil or something and must be saved or whatever that means. *shrug* I don't care. I like what I like and I don't want to push it on anyone because my faith is mine and your faith is yours.
I just ask that you please please do not attempt to convert me to Christianity because nope nope nope. I am half Jewish, I know that Christianity is a Jewish heresay, I know Yeshua was just a man who explored various believes including paganism and then returned to talk about it, and that he wasn't part god, he was just a very good orator. So, no. I am who I am and if you leave me alone I will not roll my eyes and facepalm at you. I love you all, I always will... but I can love everyone without being bothered by proselytizing. Love is love is love is love. There is no wrong or right, there is only love.
***
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Feeling fucking horrid. Sipping Ensure until I can work in food again. Ah, well. That's fibromyalgia.
Adam, Charlotte, and Billy are downstairs working on dissembling as much of the dining room as possible so they can make it easy when the contractors arrive in May to lay down the new carpet. They know how I'm feeling. I wouldn't be much use in any case. I'm doing what I can upstairs to keep floors clean and things out of the way.

Currently reading random articles, including this one, which is very applicable to what I went through.

***
Based upon her study of the pagan community in the United States, the sociologist Margot Adler noted that it is rare for Pagan groups to proselytize in order to gain new converts to their faiths. Instead, she argued that "in most cases", converts first become interested in the movement through "word of mouth, a discussion between friends, a lecture, a book, an article or a Web site." She went on to put forward the idea that this typically confirmed "some original, private experience, so that the most common experience of those who have named themselves pagan is something like 'I finally found a group that has the same religious perceptions I always had'." A practicing Wiccan herself, Adler used her own conversion to paganism as a case study, remarking that as a child she had taken a great interest in the gods and goddesses of ancient Greece, and had performed her own devised rituals in dedication to them. When she eventually came across the Wiccan religion many years later, she then found that it confirmed her earlier childhood experiences, and that "I never converted in the accepted sense. I simply accepted, reaffirmed, and extended a very old experience."

Folklorist Sabina Magliocco supported this idea, noting that a great many of those Californian Pagans whom she interviewed claimed that they had been greatly interested in mythology and folklore as children, imagining a world of "enchanted nature and magical transformations, filled with lords and ladies, witches and wizards, and humble but often wise peasants." Magliocco noted that it was this world which pagans "strive to re-create in some measure." Further support for Adler's idea came from American Wiccan priestess Judy Harrow, who noted that amongst her comrades, there was a feeling that "you don't become pagan, you discover that you always were." They have also been supported by Pagan studies scholar Graham Harvey.

Many pagans in North America encounter the movement through their involvement in other hobbies; particularly popular with U.S. Pagans are "golden age"-type pastimes such as the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA), Star Trek fandom, Doctor Who fandom and comic book fandom. Other manners in which many North American pagans have got involved with the movement are through political and/or ecological activism, such as "vegetarian groups, health food stores" or feminist university courses.

Adler went on to note that from those she interviewed and surveyed in the U.S., she could identify a number of common factors that led to people getting involved in Paganism: the beauty, vision and imagination that was found within their beliefs and rituals, a sense of intellectual satisfaction and personal growth that they imparted, their support for environmentalism and/or feminism, and a sense of freedom.
***
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Okay, seizure.
Happened during cleaning - and cleansing.
Charlotte was over to help clean up my work room.
I sensed it happening and went to the couch.
My body went rigid, flailed and danced a bit, curled in on itself. Alicia was behind my eyes, whispering. Serena was at the corners of my vision, smiling. I trembled, let loose with a string of curse words, woke up hard.
When Charlotte came back in, we used magic and essential power to help calm my brain. I sprayed myself and the corners of the room with my favorite perfume, Inspiration by iiTawk (http://www.theskinrevolution.com/_iiitawk.html). It helped reset and refocus my temporal lobes.
We are still working, moving to Channel 404 Dance/Electronica.
Alicia's forest had been full of shades of purple, blue and green.
In this postictal state, I shall dance the hell out of myself.
I am made of magic, you know.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
"Some say the gods are just a myth. But guess who I've been dancing with? The great god Pan is alive!"
-"The Return Of Pan", Mike Scott and the Waterboys

Well, today still isn't going well, but who's counting? Love you epilepsy! Love you, hypertonia! Love you, sciatica! Love you, fibrom- wait, I just took pills for you. Love you, sinus pressure!

If you can't destroy them, dance with them?

I apologize in advance if I start snapping and snarling.
Depression, anxiety, moving in and out of realities, and extreme pains are causing me to have very low patience. So, let's just say that I will be in no mood to tolerate any good-natured teasing, obsessive attempts to ask me about my hobbies, armchair doctoring, or backhanded compliments about my disabilities. In short, if you can't tell my emotions from my typing, here they are: No empathy, no patience, needing to focus on my self.
I will have no time or patience for debates, questions needing immediate answers, or deep discussions requiring emotional investments. Did you do something wrong? No. But I am also feeling less empathetic than usual.
Laugh with me. Joke with me. Make me smile. Make me feel entertained. Don't make me feel as if I need to make you feel better. You can do that on your own today. I will be better tomorrow, and I will help you tomorrow after I take care of myself.
I will be dancing with things that seek to destroy me in order to soothe them.
It takes great energy and power to dance between destruction and creation.
See you tomorrow, loved ones.

Erin Gloria Ryan said it best: "I have given this all of my fucks, and the fucks I have given are still not enough fucks. So many more fucks need to be given, and I have exhausted my fuck supply. The fucks are on backorder. Employees are working overtime to restock my fucks, but in the meantime, please accept this 10% off coupon while we wait for the fucks to arrive via FedEx. I'll be over here, drinking wine from a Pac Man mug and watching cartoons."

I am watching cartoons and drinking various superfruit caffeinated juices from bottles with dragons on. With a goodly splash of Bombay Sapphire Gin.

Supportive likes and hugs are awesome. I'm just completely out of fucks to give and I haven't focused just on myself for so long that it's all finally boiled over. People have been asking if they did something wrong and this is the most polite way of saying "Look, I just need you to not pile things on me for a while. I'll be over there with my tea and my cartoons."

Let's see...
Spastic cerebral palsy with hemiparesis and hypertonia.
Temporal lobe epilepsy with complex partial seizures.
Fibromyalgia with full body flares and fatigue.
Sciatica in both legs.
Raynaud's Disease in fingers and toes.
Joint and nerve pains everywhere.
Major depression, general anxiety, OCD, ADHD without hyperactivity.
Disintegrating memory with dysphasia.

Yes, indeed, it is all here. Let's have a party and dance like the universe is watching.

And if the gods goddesses of destruction and creation can join me, I welcome it. When it comes to incredibly powerful gods goddesses like that, I get extremely cautious. I don't say their names lightly. If I really want to call Kali, I need a damn good reason. Many people do not really understand how old, powerful, and intense these deities are. The Christian god Yahweh may be the youngest and most popular deity in history, but there are gods who are so old that time doesn't matter to them.
And so, if I ask an old god to dance with me, I need to ask in a very, very respectful, gentle way.
brightlotusmoon: (Peaceful Dragon Model 2)
I need to write this down before I completely forget.
Last night, I had a dream in which I was hanging out with a bunch of Sumerian deities, most of whom I could barely name.
We were setting a mansion on fire, hosing it down, and repeating the process.
Everyone kept calling me "Inanna" instead of Joanna. And I felt so flattered that for some reason I kept floating off the ground. Every time I lifted off the ground, a storm would gather and everyone started acting as though they were in love with everything everywhere, laughing and giggling and acting almost drugged.
Someone told me, "You are the evening star." And I said, "Funny that, I was born right before a midnight when Venus was very blindingly bright. Evening Star used to be one of my nicknames. Now sometimes my dreams call me Moonlight Witch."
And someone else said "Exactly. Do you understand now?" I said, "What? Wait, understand what?"
But everyone just smiled, and as I was pulled back down to earth, the soil became soft enough to drag me down, and I began to sink. It felt soothing and tranquil. I called out, "Don't forget to refurbish that mansion when I get back!" And then I woke up.
Try and interpret that, various dream dictionaries!
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Today, I celebrate the Winter Solstice of 2012.

But I also celebrate Math. I celebrate the fantastic power of the Human Brain. Because many millenia ago, a bunch of people were able to calculate various alignments and calendar events 6,000 years in the future, all by themselves. Kudos, Maya people.

I celebrate the death and rebirth of billions of consciousnesses, of billions of metaphors for the gods and goddesses that rule these seasons and planets, those gods who die and are reborn on each Solstice. Perhaps something did die today, but it was certainly reborn and is more alive than ever. Maybe it's just us. Maybe it's just some people getting their brains rewired in weird ways.

Also, the Doctor helped.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Hello, Winter Solstice.

You have been unusually warm today. I don't mind at all.

I eagerly await the death and rebirth of the Sun God in its many forms, etcetera.

In other news...

Holy fucking chariot of Apollo, that was a horrible and vicious moment of flaring agony attack. Fibromyalgia, migraine, sciatica, lumbar pain, chondromalacia patella, joint stiffness, hemiparesis, spasticity, on and on and on. If I were not on the specific individual drug and supplement cocktail that deeply eases all this pain, I would be crying wildly without end, possibly inducing an epileptic seizure, which would make things worse. Thank Apollo things are not worse.
I will go to bed soon, and even though I can hope and wish that tomorrow will be better, all I can really do, usefully, is stretch and exercise and take the pills and medicines that will help.
I also want to say that sucking on lollipops does bring an amazing sense of calm and well being, floating me back to sweet memories.
Oh, dopamine and endorphins, please do your best...
And yet, I think some of this may have something to do with massive surges of intensity and emotion and power and energy and physics and metaphysics crashing through me and inside me and shaking me deeply. I don't mind that. I... love it. I love it. I do. Just as long as I can ease the pain somehow. My core is aligning with something powerful and extreme and I am almost afraid to dream tonight. I might fly so far and fast that my personal reality may not be the same when I wake up. But that might be a magnificent, beautiful thing. I feel extraordinary.
Ah, how the wind and rain howls outside.
Ah, how I feel so open and receptive and shining and beautiful and magical and free... and ready to accept whatever comes to me... to be enlightened in multiple ways... to let myself be carried by energies inside me that I know have always been there. I wish to and shall move up and on in my life, in many many amazing ways, because I, Joanna, am amazing.

And finally, to quote a shaman friend quoting another shaman:

"Shamans are well aware of these auspicious moments, but the Cosmic Window we are speaking about in this message has greater import, due to its alignment with the galactic core, the Central Sun of your galaxy, which is, in fact, a black hole.
This particular and rare alignment will result in a broadcasting of evolutionary energies throughout the galaxy. Your Earth is one of innumerable planets receiving this energy of upliftment.
As we view it, this cosmic alignment does not sound the end of your world, but it does herald a new beginning. How each of you deals with these catalytic evolutionary energies is a personal choice.
Indeed many individuals might experience these intense energies as an irritant. If you are not prepared mentally, emotionally and energetically to jump to higher levels within yourself, these energies can make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
If, however, you are aligned with the movement upward you will be carried by these energies. They can open extraordinary vistas for you if you are open to them.
This three-day period is an ideal time to contemplate your life from the vantage point of expanded states of consciousness, to step outside your timeline to sense the patterns of your life and your personal history that have brought you to this point in time."
-Tom Kenyon

So, I suppose the moral of this story - and day - is that what you think may be a nightmarish catastrophic disaster might actually just be your own mind shifting to a more powerful form of consciousness that you never knew you had. Good luck, humanity.

eyeoftheworldchakras

dragonchakras

beautyinlight

watermagic
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Here, we have the ultimate expression and meaning of the winter holidays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyQz8jWAl7s

I have been singing "Soft Kitty" to myself for a while. There is technically only one reason to sing that song, but I have at least three, all of which were mentioned by Penny in the episode where Sheldon had to care for her. I have also been attempting to sing it as a round with myself.
*PAIN SADFACE*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqSmzGj_sQc

Seriously, though. Yesterday was the beginning of the six-day Roman celebration Saturnalia. Yay Saturn, blah blah blah. I'm going to leave a little tiny something for each Greek and Roman god, be it a physical offering or a psychic offering. And then when Winter Solstice and Yule come around, more offerings to Gaia and the rebirth of the Sun God.
http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/saturnalia/a/saturnalia.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia
http://www.earthwitchery.com/yule.html
http://wicca.com/celtic/akasha/yule.htm

Also, once more for clarification, I am not Wiccan at all and never will be. Wiccan is a very specific, very young religion, which took bits and pieces of old pagan faiths and mixed them up until Gerald Gardner felt satisfied. Wicca has unfortunately become the main path new pagans turn to when they have no idea what to do, and such become "fluffy bunny" pagans, focusing only on the "light" and "good" stereotypes of magic and witchcraft, which is very cute and laughable. Unfortunately, Wicca's reputation has mostly been taken over by fluffies, I think; I haven't paid much attention. Any Wiccans here want to set the record straight, please?

I am eclectic pagan with firm faith in polytheism, pantheism, natural magic, elemental magic, personal magic, chthonic magic, shamanism, animism, and humanistic paganism. Which is funny, because humanistic paganism would probably cancel out the magic part, but there are a few humanistic pagans who practice magic with a scientific bent, like my husband.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wildhunt/2012/08/guest-post-humanist-paganism-on-the-rise.html

I forget my main point... but I wish everyone a Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yule, Io Saturnalia, Merry Christmas, and Blessed Solstice. I am one of those people who just won't care what you you believe in or worship as long as you don't shove it at me, attempt to convert me, or proselytize at me. And oh, yes, that does include paganism, Wicca, and other nature-based faiths. There is a reason I am so eclectic.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Oh, and we made our usual cookies with chocolate chips and goji berries, but with this batch we added moringa powder and bee pollen. It didn't change the taste but it it increased the superpower food power.

Note for self. Yup, the Biotin and Inositol supplements are working beautifully. My hair is almost down to my bra strap. My plan is to grow it close to my waist by this time next year. 20,000 mcg Biotin plus 1300 mg Inositol, every day. Also, the Inositol helps with anxiety attacks and the Biotin helps with cellular growth. Adding in Sea Buckthorn and Moringa is doing so many wonderful things for my skin, especially the eczema, xeroderma, itching, redness, flakiness, and sensitivity.

OMG, you guys... Inositol plus Passionflower does unbelievable things to anxiety attacks, for me anyway. I am so relieved. I can breathe, oh yes.

I truly don't care what anyone says. The proper pharmaceutical drugs in the proper dosages in the proper combinations help me feel as wonderful and painless and fantastic as I possibly can for a few blessed hours in a body and brain that will never feel that thing most people call "normal". Close enough.

Dear polytheists: How many of you are hard, how many of you are soft, and how many of you are medium?
See, I consider myself a medium polytheist. To me, gods and other deities have separate individual personalities, but still all connect to one massive incomprehensible source from which all gods are born.
(I once had a discussion about this with a monotheist who kept trying to call that source "
God" even though I tried to explain that in my mind, the monotheistic god is included in the billions of deities connected to that source. The universe is bigger than any god anywhere, anyway, and also prettier.)
Neil Gaiman made a good point in "American Gods" - that there are various incarnations of every god all over the world and throughout time and space.
So, in the book I've been writing, the specific incarnation of Gaia that the protagonists meet is also connected to modern incarnations of other goddesses from other pantheons. I'm wondering if I can fit quantum theory into all this.

I have this natural habit: whenever someone verbally attacks me, I just smile, nod, and say "Okay!" It drives them crazy. It is hard to fight calm. Apparently, it is one of my strengths. I just don't have the energy or time to argue.

"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!"
A fellow witch once quoted this at me, about me. I smiled and thanked him and felt quite happy. But even now, years later, I still don't believe in my real self...

I want to be this...

butterfly-into-blue-sky

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