brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Seizure happened in the kitchen. Jupiter meowed and rubbed against me while I crouched. Adam came in and gently lay me on the floor. My eyes were open and blank. Adam touched my face and reached for my mind, and I spasmed and gasped and blinked. I asked why I was on the floor. Adam helped me up and stood me against the large freezer. My memory is swirling. Alicia is holding me. Earlier, Adam said he told his boss, a fellow animal lover, that he needed an extra day to care for his wife. I rolled my eyes and said that was not necessary; that I was fine. Never mind. It was so dark and so white equally braided as order and chaos magics. I was spinning at ninety-nine percent light speed and thirty-five miles an hour. The world was elsewhere. A few seconds lasted a thousand years. Adam suggested I go upstairs and rest. Jupiter is suggesting a cuddle. I am thinking coffee and clonazepam and baclofen. I am made of light and love and pure order-chaos magic in its simplest form. I can give myself the right strength. May be that I can regenerate. As brightly and intensely as a Time Lord. I always shine enough for everyone.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)


We started out at 7:00 this morning, made a few stops, and got to Sag Harbor around 2:00 this afternoon. Now at my parents, digesting dinner, watching television quietly, and getting ready for an early bed. The rest of the week will see us going around Southampton and Bridgehampton and relaxing with pizza and bagels.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/623299.html
Seriously, you guys. Seriously. *points* This woman. This woman is awesome. She is AMAZING. All her custom ponies are amazing; they are fantastic, they are extraordinary.
But I think she and I can both say with total confident honesty that Serenity is the best. (Okay, the best so far. But still.) And Serenity belongs to ME, because this woman made her JUST FOR ME. As a special gift.
And she knew she was doing it even before I told her I was considering requesting a custom since they are pricey and I wanted to save up money. And there she was smirking and giggling smugly because I had no idea, and then I got Serenity in the mail and I cried and sobbed so hard because the happiness and joy was overwhelming.
And now Serenity is literally imbued with my magic, and I love her more than any toy I have received in my adult life...
And seriously, people, you should seriously consider Namaah's ponies. She is absolutely incredible.
But Serenity is still the best. Truth. *nods*
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151406320840684.1073741827.640545683&type=1

And still, whenever I feel anxious and upset and depressed, I just touch the lotus bud symbol on her forehead, and I actually honestly feel better.

Edited to add:

Serenity the pony called to me, so decided to take a photo to show how much I adore her.

I have not loved a toy so much since I was a teenager. I cannot thank [livejournal.com profile] naamah_darling enough for creating and naming this pony just for me. This may be one of the most perfect toy gifts I have gotten in my adult life.

Serenity has been charged and imbued with as much personal magic energies as I could give her. She is now a method of helping me work with physical, emotional, and psychic self stimming in a weird way.
I talk to her during episodes of anxiety and depression; I kiss the lotus bud blaze on her forehead when I say goodnight. I brush her hair with wood combs and boar brushes. It relaxes me.

She soothes my brain and centers my mind in ways I cannot explain. She is a toy, custom made... but she is special beyond description.





It doesn't matter how old or young you are. There will always be some sort of toy or physical object that represents something important, something life-like or abstract or surreal, that you bond to deeply.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
So, a couple of months ago, I was chatting with [livejournal.com profile] naamah_darling about her fabulous custom made My Little Pony dolls, which she paints herself with her own designs and even new hair. She sells them on Ebay for reasonably understandably high prices, because they are really extraordinary and unique.
I casually mentioned that one day, when I could afford it, I'd love a custom pony for myself. The matter was dropped.
And then a week or so ago, on Facebook, Naamah mentioned on Facebook that she was sending me a package. Since I've been sending her care packages full of skin care and supplements, I figured it was something similar, like a thank you. I didn't realize how anxious and excited she seemed about my receiving the package.

A couple of days ago, the box arrived. I opened it up and found the card first, with a glittery dragonfly on the cover. I opened it and on the left it read:

"Funny you should talk about a custom..."
And my heart kind of skipped.
And on the right it read:
"It took me a while to figure out her name, but it turned out to be so simple once she told me.
Serenity.
I made her thinking of you start to finish. She's all yours. She'll be a friend who can always be there for you and remind you that you are never alone.
Hope you love her. <3"

And even before I pulled away the paper wrappings, I was crying. And when I had the pony in my hands, and I saw her flank symbol, I cried even harder, murmuring "Oh my gods, oh my gods, she did this for me, she made this for me, oh my gods, this is amazing, this is so beautiful, oh oh oh..."

Because I had seen a photo, on Naamah's Livejournal, months ago, of this pony being painted, and I had instantly been pulled toward it, wishing it could be mine...
And here she is.
Meet Serenity.
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151406320840684.1073741827.640545683&type=1

Every morning, I look directly at her when I wake up, and she makes me smile. It is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Honestly, I don't think I can express it in words. Just... incredible. Love you, Naamah.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
My cats.
My wonderful, amazing, hilarious, magical cats.
No matter what the worst of humanity does, my cats are there to love me. When the best of humanity rises up to help the wounded and devastated, my cats are there to love me.

Animals are awesome.

I said a lot of things on Facebook.
I no longer want to burn humanity to the ground. Nor do I want to find some gateway to another dimension. We humans really are more loving than we are cruel.
Things will be all right.
We shall continue.

I am calm now.
I am listening to soothing music. I am watching amusing comedy. I have been medicated because Fucking Ow My Everything.

The world will be here no matter what. And I will love and be loved. That works.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Stuff to remember every day:
Meditate with the mantras Ohm and Namaste. Be at peace with every part of myself. Approach friends, loved ones, acqaintances, and strangers with peace and calm. Use anger and violence only if necessary under proper circumstances. Do not take the problems of others into myself but make sure they know I support them. Do not become influenced by the negative or upset behaviors of others. If something goes wrong, be polite, calm, kind, and compassionate. If someone says something I disapprove of or severely disagree with, remain calm and polite if pulled into arguments. Do not throw private mental tantrums when something I don't like happens. If I see a friend looking upset or about to have a mental tantrum, do not get involved and remain calm, unless I am needed.
I will not be a stereotypical "Hippie Freak" or any related stereotype. I will simply be a person who wants to be at peace unless I need to be at violence which would circle back to peace.
Peace with oneself is a very powerful thing, which many people don't really understand.
<3
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Just me and my Little Pony. I am adorkable.
Seriously, though, Lotus Star helps me stay calm. I charged her with a personal witchcrafty quantum magic meditation ritual thingy. Every time I hold her, comb her, or even look at her, I allow my amygdala to slowly reset itself to calm and peace, no matter how temporary. That's all I need sometimes. Everything is fleeting yet lovely.
(I also did the same to my Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle dolls, but since this G3 doll is so different, I gave it different properties. Fluttershy helps me sleep; Twilight Sparkle helps me dream. It works out well.)
I'm going to make sure I have fantastic dreams tonight.

lotusstarwitch

http://www.aquantummoment.com/qenergy/

Amen, amen

Apr. 3rd, 2007 08:43 pm
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/5979544.html
God/(s)(dess) Is Love.
People forget that.

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