brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
You guys, I amaze myself. I've been writing helter skelter all over the place: Novel, stories, novellas, blogs, facebook, notebooks with various pens, everywhere... in the middle of a postictal migraine and insanely horrific agonizing chronic pain flare-up following recovery from a panic attack. If I didn't have a computer or paper I might write on the walls. I hurt so badly I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel half fire and half water. Wild and raging, and all I want is a crackling bonfire and a rushing river.
I doctored up a photo of myself and it came out half gold light and half blue light. It looks inhuman. But part of me adores it so much. My face is two different parts. I am two entities in one. When I burn, I am cool. When I am cool, I burn. It is ying yang, dragon phoenix, up and down, left and right, I don't even know. I don't speak out loud except to my cats, I just speak through Story. So much Story inside me.
That rock. That rock that my husband gave me, the rock that he held while standing in Room 217 of the Stanley Hotel, in which Stephen King wrote "The Stand" and used as an inspiration for "The Shining". That rock is still next to my laptop. I am covered in words. I am filled up with Words. I may disappear into Story. I may not even see the world until I have to.
Is this what it is like to live in the land of the Fae and then come back to the land of humans?


Maybe it was the super moon. Maybe it is the heat from the sun now. Maybe it is anything.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Aww, I remember writing this last year and people being very amused.
Bright eyed, bushy haired, bright colors, babbling due to painkillers and happy muscle relaxants and healing gemstones and all that weird pseudoscience silliness that I believe in despite my atheist agnostic upbringing.
I've been pagan since I was a teenager, so hah. Polyagnostic polytheist pantheist eclectic witch who will believe even if proven completely wrong. Even when my parents insists that it's just my brain and that psychic powers don't exist, I will agree because that is true, too. There are so many truths out there. I love quantum everything.
See, I follow the Discworld concept: Even if a deity manifests in front of be and insists it is a great god, I will tell it "That's nice. Just because you exist doesn't mean I believe in you. I believe in my Higher Brain smushed with my Subconscious, which you possibly came from. But since you are here, let's party anyway. Red wine?"
I firmly believe that Man created God, and the Universe created both Man and God, and all gods everywhere sprang fully formed from Man's brain because Man's brain is more complex and extreme than we can ever conceive. The universe is bigger than everything.
And I have also always believed in All The Gods, so whenever someone asks me if I believe in God, I always ask "Which one?" which leads to confusion and people thinking I'm, like, evil or something and must be saved or whatever that means. *shrug* I don't care. I like what I like and I don't want to push it on anyone because my faith is mine and your faith is yours.
I just ask that you please please do not attempt to convert me to Christianity because nope nope nope. I am half Jewish, I know that Christianity is a Jewish heresay, I know Yeshua was just a man who explored various believes including paganism and then returned to talk about it, and that he wasn't part god, he was just a very good orator. So, no. I am who I am and if you leave me alone I will not roll my eyes and facepalm at you. I love you all, I always will... but I can love everyone without being bothered by proselytizing. Love is love is love is love. There is no wrong or right, there is only love.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)

Oh my various gods. I am actually reading - and loving - a massive philosophical debate regarding My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic. But, I must highlight this fascinating comment. Also, I have learned that this season finale is just Part One of a trilogy, which might mean that the status quo will return or things will just get interesting from now on. Also, this comment is kind of awesome and I wanted to discuss it - oh my gods, is this turning me into more of a Brony, or does it just mean I like philosophy in everything? Probably the latter.
Also, screw spoilers. I was late to the party, and anyway the secret has been out for a while.

Ack, you're getting too philosophical! Again, while I'm not necessarily saying you're wrong, you have to remember what the canon is -- a (sometimes overly) straight-forward and light-hearted cartoon that little kids watch; yes, a cleverly written show with an adult audience both admiring and often with insatiable standards...but again, little kids watch this: they aren't going to get into complex areas of logic and reason.

Their are no "maybes" or "most likely" with this - the cutie-mark represents, not just your special talent and what you are naturally gifted in, but essentially your future - and not just your future, get over it, but your happiness...your 'true self', what makes you special, the road and life that will make you happy; it's why their is so much simplicity and eagerness for foals to find their cutie-marks because they don't have to necessarily think about themselves and their future in the broad way humans's just a matter of figuring out what they are good at (hence, the CMC trying all sorts of ridiculous things to make things interesting and funny) i.e. what their special talent is, which doubles in what makes them happy and fulfills which also parallels in being their destiny and what they are meant for in life i.e. what will make them happy like no other.

The whole thing is unbelievably simple and straightforward, and that's the point of the canon; it's how it works...everything we are thinking of are genuine wonderful questions because they are normally complex abstract philosophical discussions, but as before, this is a children's cartoon....they are not going to go off the wall:

1) Foals don't have to think too hard about their future - not like humans's just a matter of figuring out what they are particularly good at, narrowing down what their 'special talent' is which...

2) Will appear on their flank as a "cutie-mark" when they realize this; which doubles as the realization of their life's calling and what they are "meant" to do which will bring them a happiness and fulfillment like no other...something called "destiny".

3) They wouldn't get a cutie-mark for anything other then something they were 'meant' to do - meant to in the sense of being something they were genuinely good at ('special talent') and exceptional, and fits with their personality, and also in the sense of being an indication of what they are meant to do in life that will bring them a happiness and fulfillment like no other...a state of being that is truer and more representative of themselves like nothing else -- hence, their "true selves".

4) Hence the extreme importance of finding out what their cutie-marks are for, and why things are so awkward and difficult for foals and why "Blank Flank" is such a stigma...ponies can't make a life for themselves that is happy and fulfilling doing anything else -- someone with a bread-making cutie-mark can't start making fruit and expect to be happy, or live a life that's as happy (or happy at all)...they will inevitably and continuously be miserable forever and ever because they are not doing what they are meant to do i.e. what they are naturally and exceptionally good at i.e. what fits best with their personality and character i.e....they are ignoring their 'true selves'.

This, my friends, is why none of the Mane 5 questioned anything when the cutie-marks were have to understand just how dependent they are on cutie-marks - everything is unbelievably simplified in their world, and also has it's drawbacks....because even though they realized they were not good at what they are doing, they refused to even try to think about doing anything else, and nobody else tried to help them, simply because this was their cutie-mark -- of course Rainbow Dash must take care of animals, because it's her destiny, it's what she is meant to do and must be what she's good at, it must fit with her personality, her special talent and what makes her happy like nothing else will....because she wouldn't get a cutie-mark for anything else if none of that were the case.

Ergo, despite being unhappy, despite being unsuccessful....nobody helped the Mane 5 and nobody else bothered to help them in this time-warp episode because, well, "it's got to be my destiny....and it's what my cutie-mark is telling me!"

This is also why Twilight, who by the way, behaved quite appropriately actually for the situation and even asked about books, didn't ask too many questions nor did anyone else...because again, the comfort of knowing this is what she was meant to do all along, what she is good at, what her cutie-mark must have always meant...this is a time for celebration, not a time for asking longevity questions!

Destiny is always a comforting simple and explicitly good thing in their world, no.questions.asked.

Also, as I have just learned: Lauren Faust, the creator herself, said that while Twilight Sparkle becoming an alicorn was not what she had planned, she no longer works on the show and won't undermine what the writers and showrunners are currently doing. Also, Tara Strong joked "Everypony relax, Twilight is not leaving her friends, however the voice acting will be taken over by Morgan Freeman."
The point is, the status quo won't actually change; it will just mean that a princess alicorn will be living in Ponyville library while still hanging out with her friends. Hell, if I became some respected celebrity, I wouldn't leave my friends either; although I might buy a bigger house.

Old Lives

Dec. 12th, 2012 08:23 pm
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)

Father, Father, can you tell me where the hours go? Where time flows?
It is written in the stars upon the Milky Way. We must burn bright Before we fade away.
Mother, Mother, can you tell me where the fire goes? When the flames cease?
From the ashes, to the astral plane. Where the setting sun meets the sea, Brendan.
I live by the river where the Old Gods still dream of inner communion with the open sea.
Through the eye of the hunter in search of a prey, neither beast nor human in my philosophy.
If you don't recognize me well it's simply because I've outgrown these old clothes.
Time to move on.
For you and I will outlive the masks life gave us when this shadow play comes to a close.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
"If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume that the light on the wall is God. But the light is not the goal of the search; it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it! Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God, is the byproduct of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe. God looks astonishingly like we do! Or we turn to look at our shadow, and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty - and in all its flaws. And in so doing better understand the world around us."
-G'Kar, Babylon 5: Meditations on the Abyss, Season 5 Episode 14
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

[This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was fooling around with his wife...]


brightlotusmoon: (Default)

March 2015

1234 567
89101112 1314


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

  • Style: Dreamscape for Ciel by nornoriel

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 21st, 2017 11:09 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios