brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 2)
Hello from the LJ user formerly known as BrightRoseFox.
Due to a complex thingy involving problems with emails and such, I have changed my LJ name, my yahoo name, and my gmail name.
Everything is now BrightLotusMoon.
If you know me well enough, you know why I am now BrightLotusMoon.
So, yeah. Just FYI.

Also.
Dear Lovelies:
Not only am I feeling so much better, I truly believe I am worth everything that people say I am. I've been getting messages, emails, phone calls, and comments from friends who have told me what I mean to them. I've been amazed and heartened and lifted and joyous.
I may be a moonlight witch, but I can't access the magic of the moon without accessing the magic of the sun. And the moon is always there, her power full constantly.
I feel bright and powerful and in full bloom, like a great lotus blossom beneath the full moon.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)

Copied from a comment I left on Facebook. During a discussion regarding how cerebral palsy might or might not be seen socially as an active disability that impacts a person's social or professional life
***

I am medically disabled.
I'll be medically disabled and socially disabled even when society makes everything accessible and easier to navigate.
My disabilities are part of me forever because of my brain being abnormal and different from the average. I'm cool with that.
I don't want to fight or struggle or handwave against it. Disability is a part of Joanna Me, just like shortness and writerbrain and cat loving an writing paranormal urban fantasy with future elements.
It is one definition of Joanna Me but it is not the biggest. It gives me powerful insight into my world and the world around me. It's like a friend woven into my neurology. However, there are much stronger definitions to show.
Being disabled and having a disability are often unconnected depending on how the person feels. Hence the disconnect between medical model and social model. Cerebral palsy is medical, but social depends on how society is able to make room.
If someone wants to see my disabilities first, that's cool, as long as they see the rest of me too.
I identify as disabled. One of my disabilities is cerebral palsy. It is a result of congenital  brain damage. I will always be brain damaged. I will always be disabled. That is fine by me. I embrace being disabled while having a disability.
The End.









brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Okay, first thing:

Bad day bad day. Brain misfires, pain everywhere, spasticity, OCD episode, distractions, hypersensitivities, gut issues. I will say, however, that probiotics and omega-3 supplements of specific kinds are actually doing good things to my brain. It's not really evident in any of my outward behavior, but I can absolutely feel something going on.
Dear neuroweird science students: Is impulse control mainly frontal lobe? I have a Thinky Thing I'm thinking about, but I need medical professionals and medical students to confirm. I know of Things that can help me personally and specifically, but I need to make sure I'll be doing it properly. Also, this means staring slackjawed at my MRI photos and calling my neurologist.

***

Unrelated, copied from Facebook.

Well, this person said what I was thinking.
https://www.facebook.com/thautcast/posts/830987393625539?fref=nf&pnref=story
My personal need for disability labels is personal. My need to be able to relate to people via stories and fiction. So many people have told me things like how they "don't see disability" (sorry, I have to laugh at that) and don't see labels... and that's cool. Really. That's fine. But that is not how I see the world and that is not how I view myself. Being able to say, "Yeah, I'm disabled, and these are the medical issues I have" is indescribably relieving, even powerful; it gives me a power to choose and know my own self in a very intense way that I honestly can't describe.
My disabilities are not really eccentricities or special powers; they are painful and they will get worse as I age - and I'm talking about the comorbid, co-occuring, associated syndromes and symptoms. Eccentricity? Gift? Er. Yaaa...aay? I mean, sometimes my seizures cause wicked euphoric hallucinations when I close my eyes? That's... fun? And I suppose having severe anxiety and ADHD-PI and OCD and SPD could be my mind working out itself and it's environmental relationship?
So, um, so far I'm not seeing eccentric quirks and gifts. But I don't see myself the way someone who thinks that way would see me. I've met disabled people who say they aren't disabled, and a part of me marvels at the cognitive dissonance, a part of me wonders if they're completely rejecting the medical model of disability, a part of me wonders what they do when symptoms and syndromes kick them around and act truly disabling. I say nothing to them because I know it's their thing. The only time I'd want to try to sway them is if they want to spread their belief that disabilities are not disabilities, because that can become harmful and dangerous to the social model. As Stella Young said, no amount of smiling at a staircase will turn it into a ramp. So, as much as someone refuses the disability label, I really need them to consider it beyond their beliefs.

I'm just saying. We all have very different ways of talking about, discussing, portraying, coding, and having disabilities. I'm just glad that right now, I am able to very very openly discuss mine the way I want without being punished for it. And so should others, particularly those who think differently than I do. That's what makes discussion.

***

Also? I find it funny that so many people are like "OMG aliens, what if aliens come here, wouldn't it be amazing, we should learn alien languages, I bet they don't even communicate like we do, so we should be open to new communicative experiences!"
And then they're all like "WTF autistic people you're so weird we don't want you weirding us up we don't like you why can't you be normal like us!"
And I'm all, "*throws hands up* WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, YOU JERKS!"

***

I am having A LOT of thinky thoughts on why people reject the term disability in favor of eccentricity, quirk, gift. Not just abled folk but people with mental illness like bipolar or schizophrenia. I am still determined to wrap my mind around visibly physically disabled folk, like with cerebral palsy, who say they aren't disabled. It fascinates me because that view is so so alien to me. As long as the conversation is civil if course.

***

http://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/just-try/
http://webcast.ucdavis.edu/llnd/467b5ad7?channelId=0abfe11894d742c7b159a535058c09ce&channelListId&mediaId=29f030d8c24a4b718c1c2936187278b8

***

I don't do Twitter. But lots of my friends do. Fuck Autism Speaks. I'm not pushing anyone to do the #Notmssing thing. But I do believe it is vital to send Autism Speaks the crucial message that autism is not a "thieving disease to be eradicated" because IT IS OUR BRAINS. WE are autism. We are born with a different operating system that doesn't really comply with the standard. People laugh about meeting alien cultures with other ways of communication, and yet we are right here, a metaphor, and they not only turn away from us, they actively seek to erase us. So. No. Bad Autism Speaks. No. Stop it. Nobody is missing. We are right here. We are staring right at you, angry and sad. We have been here all along. We have been speaking out all along. You just haven't listened.

Also, hells no we're not ready to meet any alien cultures. Not if we keep trying to erase members of our own.



***
http://webcast.ucdavis.edu/llnd/467b5ad7?channelId=0abfe11894d742c7b159a535058c09ce&channelListId&mediaId=29f030d8c24a4b718c1c2936187278b8
(Nick Walker is awesome)
Autism as a neurocognitive variance. Indeed. It's a disability because it hinders how we interact with life all the time. But there is nothing wrong with us. It's just a rewiring of our brains before birth or at birth.
Like, with me. I was born a fetus. I was a 26-week-old fetus when I was "officially born". My developing brain didn't have time to pick and choose. It just grabbed whatever it could, crammed stuff in, got a random shiny new operating system that was able to work around all the dead white matter, and figured it was good enough because I still needed to finish growing into being a baby, you know? Like, "Fuck it, we'll deal with this brain damage later, just keep the body going, okay? Move it move it move it avoid the gaps in the dead parts, come over this way, this construction project is gonna take a few more months than planned, so we don't have time for sick days, guys. What's that OS? It looks kind of tangled. That's fine, it's shiny, build it in, hook it up, whatever. Hey! I told you guys to avoid the dead zones! Awww daaamn, somebody get a new team over there please? No workman's comp here, this is preterm, okay? Just go go go..."
And that's where I got my brain.
So, dear allistic and neuro-typical assholes who question my right to exist, who insist that kids like me are missing, stolen, lost, forever silent: Fuck off. My brain worked hard to be itself, and just because my OS isn't yours doesn't make me lesser.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
http://www.autisticsspeakingday.blogspot.com/2014/11/autistic-ways-of-reacting.html?m=1
My mother has always insisted that I be more self aware. I never figured out why that was so difficult. I'm learning so much. I feel like rediscovering myself.

" Low emotional self awareness means that i can be – often have – building up to full meltdown without even knowing it. On a really low self-awareness day, I can be crying or raging over something and not even know that I’m crying or raging, let alone why. Tears will be streaming out of my eyes, and I’ll insist I’m fine, it’s just my allergies. Not because I’m lying, but because my conscious brain is genuinely unaware of how upset I am."
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Sooo, you know how I've been chatting with my neurologist a ton, and also with my psychologist? Neither woman has spoken to the other. But they both recently gave me the same diagnosis.
(Now, I need to stress that I am perfectly aware of the "Stop relying on so many diagnosis labels, it's just medical stuff, what does it matter, why do you care, why do you think people would care" cliche that has been poked at me by, well, many healthsplainers and people who just want me to stop talking so much about my medical history, future, and present. And yeah, I get that. But guess what, I don't care.)
The neurologist was kind of relaxed about it at first, and after I left her office I didn't really consider it. Not until that one session with the psychologist, when she looked at me with tears in her eyes.
It's just that the neurologist used one term, and the psychologist used a different term.
And I would love words from those who are there. Because fuck it, it does matter.
http://www.psyweb.com/articles/depression/chronic-stress-disorder
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Stuff to remember!

Quote on guarana:
""Guarana is one of those herbs that most people do not know much about, but should, because it is superior to plain old caffeine. The reason Guarana is superior to caffeine is for two reasons in my opinion. The first being that Guarana has more than just caffeine; it also contains two other stimulants in Theobromine and Theophylline. The second reason why Guarana is more effective is because it has different natural stimulants that seem to be released more slowly than regular caffeine so your energy levels seem not to spike and lull as much as regular caffeine. To add on to that, I will say that Guarana also contains Choline which is a powerful nootropic, as it increases mental function because it is a precursor to the vitally important brain chemical Acetylcholine. I enjoy Guarana because it really is an effective herbal Adderall replacement supplement.""

Stuff from Facebook:

I am starting to forget what it's like to have physical energy, like basic adrenaline and muscle strength. It comes and goes. I miss dancing and laughing. Maybe I can do it soon.

Okay. Okay.
It's fine; it's just a lost plushie owl. I'll find it eventually
For now, I can not focus on the bigger owl. I have a tiny owl, and I have that gigantic carnival owl. I also have the snow leopard, the massive carnival husky bigger than my cats, the Ponies, and the awesome Spherical Plushie Bunny. But I am still going to find that white and gray owl. It is so fluffy. You guys. It is so fluffy.

How funny. I looked in my bathroom mirror and wondered which foundation makeup I had applied. I realized I hadn't applied any makeup at all. It was a slightly alien feeling...
Those memes going around explaining "Why I Wear Makeup" and "Why I Don't Wear Makeup" are absolutely beautiful just to me. You know. Do not tell me I don't need makeup all the time. You are not me. I am not you. We can't obviously instruct each other's cosmetic preferences without consequence regardless. I personally need base concealer. Maybe you don't. We are both pretty.
It began with a severe anxiety-driven fear that my skin was covered in destructive blemished. It isn't ending. But it has traveled along a road that has begun healing.
Good enough, for now.

Still full of muscle exhaustion beyond muscle exhaustion. Still in muscle pain beyond muscle pain. However, the rest of the vitamin boosted coffee has kicked it, the moisturizers made my skin feel much more awesome, and the plain cake doughnut I just ate was delicious.
Besides, I have several couches and a bed to collapse on.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Well, then. That was the second time someone contacted me and said, "I read your blog and I'm worried because you sound so crazy. It's no big deal if some stranger died. It doesn't affect you. Why are you so sad?"
And I truly don't think that my answer of "It's my blog; I'm venting my thoughts. It's nothing you haven't seen before." was placating.
Like... um. Hi. Have you met me? I'm verbose. I'm also mentally ill. Between verbosity and illness, I love to ramble on about life, mind, the universe. To read something I write and automatically conclude that I am "high levels of crazy" is insulting. Thanks, readers. I love you too.
It's basically the same attitude as "Well, maybe Autism Speaks wants to eradicate autistic brains and never bothers to actually help with services for autistic people, but have they hurt you, personally? Why do you fight against them? They're probably doing good things."
It makes my brain hurt. So much. Mainly because ignorance up the ass.

No, I'm not making my journal friends-only. I'm happy to show, publicly, that I know what people think. And that I know how irritating they can be. And how very little they know about who I am. Sucks to be them.
But yeah, I talk about mental illness and how deeply that sort of thing affects me. I use words that might not appear "rational" or "worldly" or "down to earth."
I'm skeptical to a degree, but I'm about thisclose to moving away from the skeptic movement entirely. It's full of assholes.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Sometimes I forget that this is the place I can always come to when I need to vent.

There has been pain, pain, pain, fatigue, pain, and tests. I had a brain MRI because the neurologist wanted to have an updated picture of my brain. She wants to make sure that the issues I've been having are not necessarily seizures but severe hypertonic spasms. Next month, I will have a video imaging EEG for eight hours to see how often I have seizures.
None of this worries or bothers me. I almost don't care anymore.
I hurt. I'm exhausted. Whatever. This is life. Like... my mom keeps wondering what I can do to "make it better" and at this point I just spin the wheel of answers. Nothing makes chronic pain stuff "better" - it just lessens the symptoms.

So, anyway.

"In the best known version of the Greek myth, Persephone is dragged down into the underworld by Hades, whose title is 'Pluto.' But in earlier, pre-patriarchal tales, she descends there under her own power, actively seeking to graduate from her virginal naïveté by exploring the intriguing land of shadows. 'Pluto' is derived from the Greek word plutus, meaning 'wealth.' Psychologist James Hillman says this refers to the psyche-building riches available in Pluto's domain. Hades, he says, is the 'giver of nourishment to the soul.'" - Rob Brezsny

"I am channeling my matron goddess Persephone today. In the original myth, she chose to descend into the world of Hades in order to gain knowledge of the shadows. Hades had a power to nourish the soul, which patriarchal translations misinterpreted. There was no abduction. There was no assault. I always sensed something beyond the stories.
In my own Joanna way, I see Persephone as brightness and Hades as darkness. The lotus and the moon. Mage of light and mage of dark.
The story of Persephone and Hades is probably one of the most misunderstood, misrepresented, and mistaken relationships in mythology. I have never been so relieved to see my suspicions confirmed."

I am still obsessed over the original myth of Persephone and Hades - how she so willingly and deliberately descended into the shadows, how Hades in fact was nourishment for souls. I grew up knowing that Persephone was one of my goddesses but I didn't like the patriarchal story. How wonderful and relieving to know that there never was a kidnapping. The more I meditate on my connection with their relationship, the more I feel powerful, relieved, relaxed, and free. I may one day figure out enough lucid dreaming to really communicate with the part of the gods that resides in my Higher Brain and Subconscious mix. You know, the Quantum Psychic Consciousness.
Oh. I'm professoring again. Cough.
In conclusion, polytheism is awesome and if you can connect to the deities that call you, it can be enlightening.


So, anyway, all my medicines and treatments have been wonderful and ideal. Yay.
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)



Okay, so the above post on my Facebook has been getting a lot of awesome replies, and I wanted to share it here so people could see what I mean. I'm gonna copy the post itself here. If people's comments show, please don't bug the people.

Here is what I wrote:

So, fellow adult autists: Can we talk about autism comorbid conditions? When explaining the more annoying aspects of having an autistic brainworld to health professionals, the genuinely curious, and people who want to learn more, I've started talking more about autism's comorbidity. Because I have talked so much at length about cerebral palsy's comorbid conditions - which, in fact, can intersect with autistic comorbidities.

Also I ask all this since cerebral palsy is the result of static brain damage; ie periventrucular leukomalacia, which is closely related to, even can be a type of neonatal hypoxic-ischaemic encephalopathy. Cerebral palsy is technically a result of static non-progressive collective brain injury. So cerebral palsy itself stays as static damage, while its many comorbidities march on progressively, causing widespread chronic pain, a sort of premature organ aging ahead of chronological aging, bone and joint debilitation, muscle atrophy, etc - generally beginning in the late twenties, peaking in the mid thirties, and slowly moving forward through our lives.
CP alone is ugly and worrisome, but most research is so focused on children that older adult patients tend to be ignored. It's only recently that adults with cerebral palsy, specifically spastic CP, have been studied. Our systems are... I don't know the right phrase. Degrading? Slipping? Damaging? Certainly debilitating and disabling. As we hit our thirties, many of us do get worse. There has been a giant amount of self-denial in the CP community. It brings up a rallying cry of "I'm strong! I can fight this disease!" except strength isn't the point, you can't fight, and it's not a disease. It's a disability, and it's personal to each individual.

See, I'm spastic and ataxic hemiplegic, but mild enough that I've gotten "But you don't look disabled!" all my life. Even when my left side goes through classic flexion, internal shoulder rotation, toe walking, all very obviously (you see, it doesn't stay like that all the time, hence the mildness. But when it doesn it's obvious enough to get "What's wrong with your arm? Why are you limping so much? Were you in an accident?" comments.
However, the chronic illnesses that developed in my youth that we all ignored because we figured "it was just from CP" have gotten so much worse in my now 35 years. I am in a lot of fibromyalgia communities, for example.

Now! Since autism's comorbid conditions include anxiety disorders, sensory processing disorders, neurological disorders like ADHD and OCD, mental illnesses, epilepsy and seizures, visual problems, spatial problems, depth perception problems, I want to cross-check them with cerebral palsy's comorbids, which include... all of those, plus pain, joint issues, nerve issues, muscle pains, skin conditions.

But fellow autists, please correct me if I am wrong on things. I need to figure out how many of my comorbids are specifically connected to autism so I can sort them all out, charting and making patterns and checking them against the comorbids from cerebral palsy. What are other autism comorbids?
Also, I don't like saying things like "autism symptoms" since this is how I am wired from birth. Like cerebral palsy. So I've been saying "comorbid condition symptoms". Does anyone else do this?
brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
I'm turning 35 tomorrow. 11:58 PM. Which means I tend to extend the celebration into April 7th, since it was so close to midnight and they were busy keeping me alive with the "extreme pre-term" deal.
35, huh? Well.
You know what? I don't even know if it matters. I'm still short, nobody thinks I'm even 30, I barely feel thirty-anything. Maybe that will change the more I approach 40, but right now, it's whatever. However, I will be eternally thankful I started all that skin care stuff when I did. My skin still looks good - despite body dysmorphia insisting that I am covered in ugly blemishes. My profile photos all have me with full makeup, but my brain still sees the grossness beneath. Literally no matter what people tell me. *sighing*

I'm watching "Too Cute: Kittens" right now, before I sleep. Turkish Van, European Burmese, Persians. Eeep, they are darling; especially the Turkish Van babies. They all are white with black giant dots on their backs and heads. Like cow cats - hey, like Luna. I think Luna is actually watching, from her spot on the back of the couch. Every time a wee kitten cries, she looks up and stares at the television.

I've gotten offers from Facebook friends to buy me birthday gifts, which is awesomely sweet. I gave forth links to Etsy products, and I was still like, "For real? You are serious in wanting to buy these for me? Dude." They say they will be late and apologized, and I was like, whatever, I don't care; even if I ordered them myself it would be very belated. I never expect these things.

Calliope has been sweet even in fierce play. This kitten constantly amazes me. She is insanely mellow and tolerant and unfazed by very few things. I have kissed all her paws and her nose and her belly and she just purred at me. Well, then.

I have a baby migraine. I just threw codeine and baclofen and MSM at it.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
So, I had a fascinating dream last night that was at best a "Lost Girl" fanfic and at worst a bizarre fantasy wish fulfillment. I, myself, as I am, was a Light Fae with naturally indigo hair and eyes, whose skin gained a pale purple tint while my powers were in use. I was a healer, for myself and others; I could even pull someone from the brink of death, although it weakened me. Conversely, I could also cause extreme pain and injury to the point of death. I also had inborn herbal medical knowledge and strong empathic powers that were both receptive and projective, which I used to soothe the wounded. Weirdly enough, dark purple butterfly wings would magically erupt from my shoulders while I worked and then would vanish - and I was actually able to hover and glide. Trick called my kind "airmeds" - which, in the canon universe, made sense, as they already have lokis and serkets, which are singular names of deities (Loki, Norse god of mischief, Serket, an Egyptian goddess of minor healing). Airmed is a Tuatha De Danann, a goddess of healing and resurrection.
Digressing: I have a sense that the writers may take advantage of using individual gods as Fae species. I actually love that about the Lost Girl universe. Being a singular god would be even more powerful. Makes me really wonder if the Wanderer is a god himself.
Returning to the dream: Bo and I became lovers for a bit, as I found her chi and powers fascinating, and we would feed on each other during sex. It appeared that I was immune to Bo's succubus blood, that if she bled on me I would not become enamored or obsessed (ie, Ryan the loki). I also slept with Hale a few times, and having a siren and an empath together was rather hilarious. Interestingly enough, Kenzi didn't mind.
I became useful when Kenzi was attacked by a wolf shifter that Dyson had to kill. The fact that I was unable to heal my own brain injury fascinated both Trick and Evony, as well as the Una Mens. The dream started fading as Bo and Kenzi invited me to crash with them for a while while I was being hunted, since an active airmed with an healing-resistant brain injury was extremely rare and highly sought-after for medical experiments. I mean, if the wounds I healed were severe enough, I would break down sobbing and spasming, have a seizure, and then become near-catatonic for several minutes. That's not a good thing for a Fae desperately needed in battle.
There was a point where I expressed specific distaste with Doctor Lauren. I still don't like her much. Bo and Dyson should really keep acting on their love for each other. I know Dyson is 1500 years old and patient, but really. And then there is Tamsin. Mmm, Tamsin.

I believe the main reason I had such a dream with such a highly specific original character was because I was researching the healing abilities of the indigo plant as well as the transformative mythology of the butterfly. Still... fascinating. I didn't feel like a Mary Sue. Considering that "Lost Girl" is filled to the brim with potential Mary Sue characters both in canon and in fanfiction, I imagine my character's Faeness rated low.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
And... some days I wake up from ethereal dreams I barely remember having the intense sense of former pointed ears, former wings growing from my shoulders, and a former unicorn horn growing from my forehead. If I look in a mirror before the dream is fully shaken, my eyes still have a faceted crystal glow, white enough to show every color, ringed by blue-tinted midnight black, and my skin shines from beneath, light rippling across my hands, like reflections in rivers.
Sometimes in those moments I just don't feel human. And it makes me feel wonderful.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
Because I'm always the fucked up, mentally bizarre, clumsy, twitchy screwy fool who never gets it right, and even when I try to make it better I do such a poor job it needs to be fixed again and again. Some people call it cute and endearing, some people call it stupid self absorbed insanity. I keep trying. I don't even know. I'm tired of people telling me what I should do just because they want me to. Advice and suggestions are awesome. Pushy preachy sanctimony is awful. And even if I don't do it the way people want me to, at least I'm doing it the best ways I know how.

My best beloved cat is ashes in a box because I waited too long; my floors are never clean enough; I watch the same television shows and movies and read the same books over and over for pure comfort and joy; my memory is disintegrating and the only reason I remember anything specific is because I cheat; I want my friends to be okay with each other; I want to talk about things that confuse and fascinate me which include my disabilities; I collect current My Little Pony toys; I just want people to realize that my autism has a name and they can use it without assuming I'm begging for attention, same thing with my aging cerebral palsy and fibromyalgia; I want people to stop insisting I do yoga and to stop insisting I quit eating wheat or dairy when I don't need to, I can't go vegan, I hate tofu and my body can't handle it, I can exercise all on my own;my drugs, supplements, and therapy sessions are working exactly as well as they should be and I twitch when any of them are attacked by people who don't understand; sometimes I actually do physically feel like an old woman and it is absolutely not ever because I am somehow conjuring it or desiring with magical thinking like in that book about law of attraction with pure belief, and if someone really thinks that kind of awful thing about me, then they seriously need to realize that I do not think like them and never will, and they cannot change that.
I am just me, and as I grow and change it will be me, myself, with bits and pieces of suggestions that I will keep and discard as I grow.

I have no fucking clue what made me write this out. Frustration, upset, irritation.
Feel free to pick it apart or ignore it. Just don't trash my medications or doctors, because in that aspect I am doing just fine. Just... this isn't even "vague posting" or "cryptic posting"... I just needed to release something. Social media like this may not be the best place, but by gods, I have so many people on my feed and friend list who understand and are in a similar place. This is for them.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
I suppose I have 2014 resolutions already, so...
1. Ignore people who tell me that cutting out gluten will help fix most of my problems.
2. Ignore people who tell me that cutting out dairy will help fix most of my problems.
3. Ignore people who tell me that doing proper yoga will help fix most of my problems.
4. Ignore people who tell me that ingesting certain medicinal plants will treat, heal, or even cure most of my problems. I may take almost forty supplements and I advocate fully for supplemental medicine, but I am aware that not even the ones seen as miracle magic panaceas will do everything for everyone.
5. Politely remind people that being autistic is not a death sentence, that autism is not caused by vaccines, that having autism means seeing and communicating with reality in various beautiful ways, that I do not want or need a cure for autism, and that any "charity" seeking to cure autism is not one I will support.
6. Politely remind people that cerebral palsy cannot be cured, that it in fact is a static brain injury that usually results in comormid syndromes, associated disorders, and attached conditions like epilepsy, autism, joint pain, joint degeneration, bone issues, muscle pain, chronic pain, premature biological aging in certain aspects, and the eventual need for a mobility aid, be it a cane, crutch, or wheelchair.
7. Politely remind people that recently, fibromyalgia has gone from a "trash can diagnosis" to an actual, factual pathology, and that most doctors and specialists now understand and most importantly believe it is a real condition and not just an excuse to get the patient out of the office, that there are many symptoms, that sometimes what seems like fibromyalgia really isn't and vise versa, and that there actually are ways to diagnose it.
8. Politely remind people that I only just learned of my autism in the summer of 2013, and I am still discovering and figuring out all the little things that comes with it. Including special interests, otherwise known as narrow interests. If I seem obsessive about one thing or another, a friend can choose to politely ignore me, because I won't care that much. However, being belittled, scolded, yelled at, snapped at, and insulted for being a broken record about certain interests will not be tolerated and might result in removing such people from contact lists.
9. Try to not grind my teeth when someone tells me to "just think positive!" about my health issues, as I have subconsciously internalized the phrase "just think positive" with magical thinking and the concept of pure belief healing illnesses. Try to see the phrase "think positive" as literal once more, not a ridiculous catch phrase from spiritual self-help books.
10. Be happy. Even when not. Also, keep slaying syndrome monsters and such.
These are not resolutions anyway, because I don't make resolutions. I just write lists because my memory is falling apart.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Seizure happened in the kitchen. Jupiter meowed and rubbed against me while I crouched. Adam came in and gently lay me on the floor. My eyes were open and blank. Adam touched my face and reached for my mind, and I spasmed and gasped and blinked. I asked why I was on the floor. Adam helped me up and stood me against the large freezer. My memory is swirling. Alicia is holding me. Earlier, Adam said he told his boss, a fellow animal lover, that he needed an extra day to care for his wife. I rolled my eyes and said that was not necessary; that I was fine. Never mind. It was so dark and so white equally braided as order and chaos magics. I was spinning at ninety-nine percent light speed and thirty-five miles an hour. The world was elsewhere. A few seconds lasted a thousand years. Adam suggested I go upstairs and rest. Jupiter is suggesting a cuddle. I am thinking coffee and clonazepam and baclofen. I am made of light and love and pure order-chaos magic in its simplest form. I can give myself the right strength. May be that I can regenerate. As brightly and intensely as a Time Lord. I always shine enough for everyone.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
"Sometimes the only way I know how to work through something is by writing..."
Hi.

"Now I know that the number one rule to being cool is to seem unfazed, to never admit that anything scares you or impresses you or excites you. Somebody once told me it's like walking through life like this. You protect yourself from all the unexpected miseries or hurt that might show up. But I try to walk through life like this. And yes, that means catching all of those miseries and hurt, but it also means that when beautiful, amazing things just fall out of the sky, I'm ready to catch them. "

I need this. I've spent my entire life catching all of those hurts, and sometimes those hurts are beautiful and amazing - because they live inside of me. Even the painful parts. Even the Monsters. I don't always declare war on the symptoms, I often imagine myself using psychological coping mechanisms, transporting my quiet self to a Zen garden with cats and sunlight and wildflowers, as the warrior parts of my brain battle those Pain Monsters with spears and war cries. It is a mind over matter dance that does not erode the symptoms, but helps me work with and deal with them. I apply creative writing to cope and to run to other worlds in my mind.

It is seen as Positive Thinking. But I tend to flinch at that term, because it is usually followed up with a sunshine up the ass platitude. I do apply a method of positive thinking to my conditions, disorders, and disabilities. But it is my own personal method, and whenever someone tries to insist that I use a different method, I naturally stand firm and stare them down. This is why I am happy that all of my doctors, specialists, and therapists are extremely willing to help me achieve my own positive thinking, because it is my own, and I know exactly what I want from it.
Unfortunately, it also makes me extremely vulnerable to criticism. I am probably Doing It Wrong. I am probably Wanting To Be Chronically Ill All The Time. I am probably Magically Convincing Myself That I Am Getting Worse. I Obviously Am Not Thinking Positively Enough - because my biggest coping mechanism is to write it down, and to share my newest findings with people I love and with people who understand my situation. At least, those are my assumptions. I made a few poor assumptions and lost a few acquaintances. But I moved on. Now, I am still writing, still speaking out. Now, I am determined to hold on to my personal method of positive thinking no matter who tries to change that method.

That is why I love this message from Sarah Kay. No one else can work inside my mind like I can. Each of us has the power to think positively in a way that works for us and us alone.

The next time somebody tells you that you need to stop doing it This way and start doing it That way, think long and hard about it before you even reply. Some things are just not worth debating. Sometimes all you can do is smile and nod and say "Thank you for the advice" - and move on. It is your mind, after all.

http://dotsub.com/view/e8f7d701-e410-464d-9051-eeae8a1ddd44/viewTranscript/eng

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-the-ted-talk-that-inspired-two-standing-ovations?g=2

I will probably listen to this video enough to memorize or recite most of it, and my poor memory will do its best to hold it close.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
I randomly swam through my bedroom closet and found some house slippers and coats. I wish I had waited until my neck and skull muscles had relaxed and loosened enough, but oh well. Winter coats! I almost curled up in the closet for a nap. The thing about OCD (true and evil, not the icky "fake tee hee OCD") is that I know I am insane and that I need to help myself, but the compulsions just keep slamming me down. Which means I need to do this bit by bit. Minute by minute literally. Coat. Purse. Shoe. Matching shoe. Large black trash bag for charity. You know how it is. Even the panic moments. And then the ADD SHINY. I think the biggest bone of contention between me and my spouse is my extreme messiness. I admit it. But oh, that closet is comfy, and I essentially know where things are. After I flop like a child in a ball pit. Stimming! Oh my gods. It's stimming! What. I. Didn't even. Huh.
Should... should I... can I call myself autistic? Officially? Or should I keep calling myself borderline autistic? I don't knoooow. I don't care what people think, that's not the point. The word "hypochondriac" just makes me laugh and wave my hand in a Feh Motion.
Oh, the coats. The sweet comfortable winter coats. And hangers! I found hangers! I shall obsessively put the two things together all over the house, because I spaz ridiculously in winter and the Raynaud's Disease is sheer torture.
I am flapping and hopping from one foot to the other and making "Whee" sounds because I am organizing in a Joanna fashion. Oh my gods, I really am on the spectrum. How did I not know? This changes absolutely nothing on the outside. Inside my mind, though... Wonderland has opened a whole new portal.
So, an autistic friend asked me, "Does the word Autistic feel right? Cuz I sure as shit am not going to tell someone they 'aren't autistic enough' to ID as Autistic. And it's a culture, not just a dx. And I could have written this. Especially the compulsive going through the closet god I have no business doing this my body is saying HA HA FUCK YOU thing."
And I replied, cautiously, "...yeah, the word Autistic feels right. Yeah. And the culture thing also feels right. I think the only reason I've been hesitating is because everyone who knows me knows I already have so many medical issues that this is just one more issue to put on my doctor list - and some people might accuse me of "collecting medical conditions like stamps" to which I take annoyed offense. Not my fault my brain is screwy. I have Things in my brain. It is important to know what All The Things are. I've given up on the closet so far. Like, truly, NOPE. But it is still there, waiting to love me. So yeah."

Yeah, I'm happy. I've had some friends from CP groups, epilepsy groups, autism groups, and fibromyalgia groups inform me that my consistent posting about what I go through is helping them learn more and more about themselves. It turns out that I am becoming a role model. People are thrilled to see that I am so open, honest, willing to reach out and connect and share what I know.

-"You make me feel better when I worry about what is happening to me."
-"I love talking with you because you don't care about all the horrible stuff, you just want to know who I am."
-"Thank you for accepting me and talking to me. You're one of the few online people I feel like I can chat with and not feel rejected."
-"I'm so amazed and impressed by you. You are devastatingly intelligent and beautiful, you never let your disabilities completely overwhelm you, and you are able to reach out and ask for help when things get rough. You inspire me to be a better person."
-"You are so genuine and open. You really want to help people. You don't want to play a character on the internet. You're so refreshing and generous."
-"You have this strength that I've never seen. You can be in insane amounts of pain that would bring any man to his knees and you smile and raise your head and you keep going. You never lie - you say how you feel but you also temper all that pain and hell with beautiful, positive things."
-"You're one of my favorite disability advocates. You're like an idol. You don't hold back. You have almost two dozen medical conditions, and you are happy to talk about them, and you also know when to tone it down. You don't give a fuck when someone is angry at you. I want to do the same thing. Keep being you."
-"I love your power. I love your voice. I love your entire mind. I love how you approach every new medical issue with grace and understanding. I love that you can joke and laugh even when you are sobbing and struggling through the worst of depression and panic. I love that you refuse to project false positivity that you don't let true negativity destroy you. You shine like a beacon in the night. You, as a spiritual being, are extraordinary. You, as a disabled human, are beyond extraordinary."

And here is the funny thing: I do not believe in myself. I do not feel beautiful or inspirational or intelligent or confident. I KNOW all of this. I am very rational. I know, intellectually, that all these things are true. But emotionally, I am shy and scared and worried and upset and not at all confident, and I don't like myself enough to believe. I don't fish for compliments, because on an emotional level I don't want to cry, "Tell me I'm pretty! Tell me I'm awesome!" I know I'm pretty, and I know I'm awesome. But feeling it and believing it is another level of comprehension. You know? You know.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Because I can never recall the actual daily Pain and pain relieving supplements off the top of my head that I personally take:
MSM, Pau D'Arco, Sangre de Drago, Sea Buckthorn, Vinpocetine, Nymphaea Caerulea, Serrapeptase, Noni extract, Mangosteen extract, Cayenne extract, Kava extract, Passionflower, Ashwagandha, L-Tyrosine.
There we go!

(Disclaimer: My body is not your body. My pain is not your pain. My chemistry is not your chemistry. My neurology is not your neurology. Your mileage may vary.
If you choose to research these supplements, and especially if you choose to take any of these supplements be reasonable, rational, and cautious. These supplements may not work for you the way they work for me. They may not work at all.
If you wish to purchase and test any of these supplements, I suggest the following websites: SwansonVitamins.com, Vitacost.com, PuritansPride.com, which all make quality products that I trust. I am not responsible for anything except what I type and say.
Please do not ask me simple questions that Google can answer, such as "What does this/that supplement do and how and why?" If you are unable to do a Google search, tell me why and I shall provide links. However, I am not a medical practitioner and I only study holistic medicine as a hobby. I do not know everything. It is your responsibility to do your own research and make your own decisions. However, I am happy to answer questions about how these supplements have worked with me, why, how, etc. Please holistically drug yourself responsibly.)

Profile

brightlotusmoon: (Default)
brightlotusmoon

March 2015

S M T W T F S
1234 567
89101112 1314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

  • Style: Dreamscape for Ciel by nornoriel

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 27th, 2017 06:43 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios