brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
This is almost kind of ridiculous.
I still have a migraine... and I am fully full of bouncing energy, and vicious pain, and emotional thrill, and I have a smile on my face just because for no reason, and I am in terrible terrible pain, and I am still mildly postictal, and I am on the edge of a major depression episode, and I am making happy thrilled noises, and I cannot explain any of it. I could connect it to being smacked in the head twice yesterday, but I doubt it.
But I'm just going with it. Because why not.
I totally need, like, a plushie brain, with the amygdala specifically colored in a happy color.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Sniffle. That was a very good finale.
Thanks, Futurama.

(I mean, unless it comes back again again. It's the only series finale that is open ended.)
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)

I really like this idea.
Considering what constantly happens to me, there would be a lot of strangers wearing black Pretty Pretty Princess Jewelry.

In related news: It happened in the local shopping center this afternoon. A young guy yelled out, "Hey! Smile, gorgeous! You'd look so much prettier! You need to smile! The world isn't so horrible!" And I stopped. I turned and looked him in the face. That made him stop and look at me. I parted my lips, then put my middle fingers to the corners of my mouth and lifted my mouth up in a forced grin. The guy's eyes widened. I said loudly*, "I'm disabled! I have muscle spasms! Sometimes it hurts to smile on command!" I kept smiling, and it must have unnerved him, because he walked away quickly. When I turned around to head into the grocery store, I noticed a few people in front of the coffee shop clapping and smiling. A woman came forward and asked if I was okay. I gave her a genuine smile and told her that everything was fine.

(*Loudly only because cerebral palsy tends to affect control of the respiratory muscles, which I recently learned by talking to other adults with cerebral palsy. Finally, I am learning things about myself that I always suspected.)

Frozen Mangosteen Juice With Pulp, 10 oz, thawed and perfectly awesome.
I firmly believe that mangosteen is one of those little treatments for my depression episodes.

And there have been a couple of studies that say enough mangosteen in high doses acts as a painkiller and anti-inflammatory very similar to a particular corticosteroid drug called Dexamethasone, which I find absolutely fascinating.

Handwaving that part, I just want to be excited about how tasty mangosteen is. And they say you only need three ounces a day for any kind of medical treatment. So if I go to H-Mart and get several of these ten ounce jars, I should be set for a few weeks.
No matter what, mangosteen is awesome.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
Okay, I may have to write a happy surprised email to whoever makes that D30 orange bouncy stuff for cell phone cases. I had one of the D3O covers on my Galaxy S 3 while walking around White Flint and I dropped my phone from almost five feet up. It bounced on the concrete twice. It was completely fine, no problems at all. It actually bounced. On concrete. Crazy. Slightly unsettling.
(I bought them locally, BTW)
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
Quote of the day so far:
"Oh, that's okay. Sometimes my very existence amuses, confuses, or utterly angers people for various reasons. Myself included. I am so fucked up and insane and crazyweird that I unintentionally upset someone or entertain someone every time I do anything. Why am I here? Who am I, really? Hell if I know. I forgot why a long time ago. But it is a good life, full of fascinating people, and I'm happy to stay for as long as it will have me."

Sometimes I just want to be Honey Badger eating pistachios. But I have too many emotions and too many reactions. Damn my screaming amygdala.

My mother says it is impossible for me to not be overly emotional to everything. Even, like, air.

I think that's why I like online socialization so much. I can have my emotions and my reactions and my masks and shells, and everyone I socialize with can have theirs. I struggle with physical interactions so much and I wind up draining my reserves. You know what I mean!
But!! My shells are cracking all on their own because I'm getting more confident. I've been collecting broken beautiful shells left and right. How about you??
We are so beautifully screwed up but we are together and I adore all of you.
Also, cracking shells have started becoming a new symbol for me. I'm covered in layers of shells of different colors and intensities. Gently breaking each one feels reliving.


I have no idea why, but right now I am so happy, joyful, blissful, content, and serene that bluebirds should be frolicking around my head. I just feel totally zen.

I am happy about my writing, my book reading, cleaning my house, brushing each cat for ten minutes, taking long walks, meeting random people and having small talk, being on the internet, not being on the internet, being by myself, cleaning my house again, being disabled forever, knowing all my limits and raising those limits and pushing forward when I can and pulling back when I can't, having several canes to walk with, taking medications that work, sharing my stories with people, loving myself because of all these wild flaws and faults.

Even being personally insulted on geek forums because I'm not wild about the fandoms. That makes me happy. Because it makes me laugh. People are adorable!

Just... happiness. Pure. Simple. I can't even explain or understand it. It permeates me. Like a Lotus Sutra. Like a Buddhist chant. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
I don't think I could feel anything but happy right now. Even when it fades later, and it will, I shall remember.

Somewhere, Honey Badger is smiling.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
A song for Rose kitten.

Maybe I didn't pet you
Quite as good as I should have.
Maybe I didn't brush you
Quite as often as I should have, oh.
Little treats I could have found and gave
I just never remembered the time
You were always on my lap
You were always on my lap

Tell me that your sweet paws haven't dug in
Give me, give me one more chance to stand up
To stop you mashy pawing, pawing.
Maybe I didn't hug you
All those interrupting times
And I guess I never told you
I'm still happy that you're mine.
If I made you feel second best,
Kitty, I'm sorry I call the other cat my precious.

You were always on my lap
You were always on my lap

Now please get down off my lap
Now please get down off my lap

You are always on my bed
You are always on my bed.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Let's see. *fingercounting* Sleep seizure, postictal migraine, pulled muscle in my neck, extreme hypertonia with hemiparesis and ghost nerve sensations in the left arm, hip pain, sciatica, chondromalacia patella, TMJ, difficulty swallowing and speaking due to spastic ataxic cerebral palsy complexities, ankle pain due to tripping over my own feet, right wrist pain due to ulnar nerve entrapment, mild asthma attack, difficulty working both hands, hay fever, swelling in right knee...
And of course the wonderful fibromyalgia flare.
*fingercounting* Eighteen distinctive symptoms. So far.
Pain level: Eight on a one to ten scale.
Oooh, eight! My favorite number and also the infinity symbol when turned on its side! *clapping* Clapping hurts, but fuck it. *more clapping*
Thank you, pills and special stretching and mind over body quantum magics. I have no idea what Normal is right now, but at least I am conscious and moving. That is a wonderful thing. I still win.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)

Oh. Oh, dear.
...I don't think I can pay to see this movie anymore.
I mean, sure, it is probably extremely enjoyable. Yes. And I know the Io9 article was very tongue in cheek. But still. You know?
Besides, I heard it was very loud and literally irritating in theaters and my hypersensitivity with sensory processing disorder hates that.

Now, with the first movie, Adam and I were able to facepalm and repeat "It's just fiction, it's just fiction... OW MY SCIENCE. It's okay, it's okay, it's just fiction... OW MY PHYSICS." And after we stopped comforting each other and rocking back and forth (I kept stroking his hair and whispering "It's okay, sweetie, emphasis on the fiction...") we were able to giggle about it and be amused overall and say it was a very highly enjoyable film for what it was, because a lot of stuff was still very very awesome. But with "Into Darkness"... I dunno, guys. I don't know. Someone please tell me why the movie is awesome enough to love? I want to enjoy it despite all the crazy motherfucking flaws mentioned. But... you know... ow, my science?

To make myself laugh really hard, I shall just enjoy this commercial for the ninth time.


May. 7th, 2013 08:19 pm
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Oh my gods, I have watched this four times and I will watch it again and again because awesome. They are so adorable. I think most of this must have been unscripted, especially Quinto laughing at Nimoy acting out Spock's radiation death scene.
The nerve pinch bit might be my favorite.
Also, Leonard Nimoy singing his old pre-Trek Bilbo Baggins song? AWWW.

My ex-Marine friend A. owns a custom Audi named Amy, and she really is a nifty car. On our first outing, after I told A. that high speeds freak me out, we got on a highway and he told me to close my eyes and guess how fast we were going. I guessed sixty. He told me to look. We were going ninety. I hadn't even felt a thing. Amy is custom-made for him because he is paralyzed in his left arm and shoulder, so he needs computerized lots of things, and Audi is his favorite car, and he has a trust fund and help from the military and disability insurance and such, since his car is considered specifically to help his disabilities. I find that fascinating. But yeah, Audi cars are really smooth.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
A reply to a random troll earlier:
"Cool, thanks. When you're done cruelly criticizing all my life choices and how I personally treat my medical conditions, would you mind taking a moment to hear the word of our Lords and Ladies Eris, Apate, Momus, Oizys, Lyssa, and the Maniae? You would love them. Strife, Deceit, Mockery and Blame, Woe and Pain, Mad Rage, and Insanity. Right up your alley!"
They totally didn't get the joke. /shrug

I'm sure there's a story out there about how Nyx tries to corral all her children and everything turns into a wild mess of "NO YOU" like the living embodiment of the internet.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Adam and Luna.
She really is such a precious and royal cat to us.
And she adores him so so much.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Double facepalm and headdesk.
I am momentarily displeased.
Just because I acknowledge my limitations for my disabilities does not mean I have given up on myself nor accepted all my weakness. Oh, people are stupid assholes. With the inspiration porn and the insistence that there are no limits etcetera. El Oh El and various expressions of mirth.

Other than that I feel wonderful. I mean, despite the fever, migraine, flares of fibromyalgia and sciatica and spasticity and anxiety, and general aches. Life happens, life is funny.

No simple "I'm so sorry please feel better" comments, please. I get it, you want to say something. You are welcome to feel sorrow for my predicaments, of course, but unless you can follow it up with insightful and inspiring sentences, it is unnecessary. Most of the time it just feels... well, unnecessary. I wish I could think up a stronger word, but the thesaurus part of my brain is slightly broken and is being mended. I am happy enough to receive "hugs" comments. But I am going to quote a friend: "Please say something actually useful to me beyond that you want to hug me." Oh, I sound crude. I suppose it happens when a brain and body won't work properly and there is only pain and irritation and frustration...
Well, this is a journal. This is my journal. It is where I journal my thoughts. Hello, thoughts.
Time for some rest, perhaps.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Witch)
You know, sometimes you write something so bizarre and wild that you need to copy-paste it just to see how people would react...

But I feel better. It might just be the Klonopin, but I feel better."

Long story. Long story short, I have a debut book that needs finishing and then editing. Also, I am on painkillers, muscle relaxers, anxiety relievers, and supplements, and also possibly too many cat kisses. I think those in particular can lead to strange behavior.
Good night.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
How you know you can tolerate and love me:
Get comfortable and preferably join in while I watch the Futurama episode "Where No Fan Has Gone Before" on repeat while mouthing the dialogue, while I also wonder out loud what it must have been like for the actors in the recording studio, such as who messed up the most takes by laughing so much. Plus all the inside jokes.
And then I shall start talking about animated versions of Babylon 5. Especially certain characters' heads in jars at the Head Museum. Because, you know, Walter Koenig. And the comment about "Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor." Smirk, cough Alfred Bester Psi Corp cough*
And then, of course, get comfortable while I start Netflixing Babylon 5. And later, My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic. You think I'm kidding.
This is not the height of my nerdity, but it is close.
Also, I still need to find that Bab5 Psi Corp book series. Hello, Ebay, maybe?
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I really wonder if I am the only person actively trying to research the major comparisons between Chinese sea buckthorn oil and Brazilian andiroba, copaiba, pracaxi, and acai oils. I'm talking bioactive compounds, nutritional compounds, fatty acid compositions, phytosterols, polyphenols, microelements, carotenes, capacity for tissue regeneration and cellular regeneration, etcetera.
Part of me wants all those oils and extracts all in one, but it feels selfish. What if all the Brazil oils can do everything the Chinese oil can do? No, seriously, I mean that.
Would I be satisfied? Yeah, probably. It's just that I've been invested in sea buckthorn oil for over a decade and it's hard to switch to another healing botanical from another country just like that.

Actually, what am I doing? I don't have to choose. I had a memory lapse. Sigh. I love you, Rochelle.
(Those glowing reviews, by the way, are mine. I was the Superfruit co-creator.)

So, where does your OCD and or ADD addled brain wander off to late at night when you want to sleep but can't because *something is important on the internet (and you forgot why)*
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Because the other day, my yogurt needed more cowbell.

You're welcome.
brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 5)
I love how so many older TMNT fans and similar people around the internet refuse to even give the 2012 a try. Come on, it's adorable. There are many things that annoy me already despite the series barely having started, but it's adorable. Also, this is, what, the third episode? Get off your high horses, people, enjoy what they gave you and gather your collective bitching for the full first season after it ends. *wide smile*

I know I should never, ever, EVER refer to YouTube comments for anything ever, but here is a lovely example of complaining, whining, bitching, and nitpicking by fans from young teen to older adult, and also the theme song, which I like (anything to forget Vanilla Ice; sorry, that made me remember Vanilla Ice, crap).

Also, shut up, it's adorable.

I'm still wondering why the 2012 TMNT cartoon was not picked up by Cartoon Network; they both cater to a slightly more post adolescent demographic than Nickelodeon (also, I can't stand Nickelodeon in general these days, and I hear it got TMNT to desperately boost ratings, oy).

Also, I now understand why Rob Paulsen came back to play Donatello. Someone had to be there to show the adult audience the incredibly subtle in jokes and silent wink hints to the 1987 cartoon, like subtle eyerolls to the audience when another character does something silly. He doesn't break the fourth wall, but I admit, I watch Donatello's character closely just to see if the animators have done anything to remind us Hey, remember the 1980s cartoon? Remember when he was Raphael? Remember that he's the oldest voice actor here? Remember that Sean Astin is looking at him during each voice recording hoping he does Raphael justice? Which is bizarre since Astin's Raphael would wipe the floor with Paulsen's Raphael and then step on his head for fun? (Ohh, how the 1987 cartoon makes me cringe now, I can't even stand it).

I much prefer the 2012 team over the 1987 team but not as much as the 2003 team (and if I may blatant, if it hadn't started my obsession I would have the 1987 cartoon wiped from memory). Far more similar to the original comics and my beloved 2003 cartoon versions, and actually acting like teenage boys. Especially if Greg Cipes playing Michelangelo keeps doing what he's doing.

So, indeed, I find it extremely adorable in multiple ways, including "Aww, I'm seeing every incarnation put together without being completely annoying! Yay, fan nostalgia!"

Also, someone please please remind me WHY they thought it was a good idea to make April O'Neil a teenager? is Casey Jones even going to be in this thing? Do they even know the full original stories behind April and Casey? (No, wait, it's a kid's show, crap.)

But wait... they will have flashbacks to Splinter's life as human Hamato Yoshi - married to Tang Shen, with a baby daughter? Oh, this makes me sad. "While once friends with Splinter (Hamato Yoshi) in Japan, Shredder (Oroku Saki) and Splinter fight over the love of Splinter's wife Tang Shen. During their battle, a fire kills Tang Shen and Splinter's infant Miwa. Shredder learns that Splinter is alive and in New York after seeing Hamato Yoshi's family crest on a shuriken left behind by The Turtles."
That's heavy for a kids' show. In the original comics, Tang Shen was single and childfree and loved Yoshi, was murdered by Saki out of jealousy, and was originally the entire reason Splinter came to New York: Saki murdered Yoshi, Splinter's cage was broken, Splinter managed to leave Japan. But with Splinter and Yoshi being one and the same, it's even more heartbreaking. Particularly now that he was married to Tang Shen and they had a baby daughter. Who both died. In a fire. Caused by Yoshi and Saki fighting. No wonder Splinter adopted the turtles and is such a good father. I wonder if his beloved sons even know about his daughter. His infant daughter Miwa. No wonder he wants so desperately to keep them safe. Holy shit. Whoever came up with that plot point will have some questions to answer from sad parents. I'm not a parent and I'm sad. Augh. Sad!

Still should be on Cartoon Network. Followed by "Adventure Time" and "The Regular Show" so it can be extra trippy. Those shows were made by people on acid, I swear.
Alas, it appears that Peter Laird sold the TMNT franchise to Viacom and Nickelodeon, so that must be why Nickelodeon could air the cartoon. Sigh.
brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 1)
My townhouse has been named "Wonderland" - it is perfect.

We are all mad here. But I am Alice, and I have been completely twisted from my years of Wonderland journeying, and my madness is the control center.

Luna is my Cheshire Cat.
Rose is my Dinah.
Jupiter is my White Rabbit.
Adam is both my Mad Hatter and my Caterpillar.

I am very glad and grateful that I created the character of Alicia as a psychic guide to help me through seizures and pains. I have no idea what part of me invented her, but I thank that part.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
You guys. YOU GUYS.
This is so COOL.
We took our own car, by the way, with a coworker driving the big truck.
So, Adam and I stopped at my parents' house in Sag Harbor to say hello and eat dinner. And then we drove the Montauk. We got two niights at an adorable little oceanside resort, but we will only use one because GUESS WHAT? Today and the rest of the week, we get to stay at GURNEY'S. AUGH.
Adam will be working his job there until FRIDAY and the client wants him and the coworker close by. So we are staying at one of the best and most beautiful resort inns on the East Coast.
Vacation. Awesome. Whargarbl. Augh.
So. We have not had a room booked yet. So Adam will work, and my parents will come get me whileI sit in the lobby, and I shall spend the day in Sag Harbor until Adam gets our room and such and it will continue until Friday afternoon and OMG THIS WILL BE SO AWESOME YAY IN CASE YOU CAN'T TELL I AM VERY EXCITED.
I brought a huge pill bottle full of a weeks' worth of drugs and right now my body is rocking the Ultram, Soma, and Klonopin, and I am so ready.
Also I am eating a slice of cold pizza with extra mozzarella, from last night delivered to the hotel room. NEW YORK PIZZA YOUSE GUYS. IT WAS LIKE EATING MAGIC.



brightlotusmoon: (Default)

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