brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Hello, Winter Solstice.

You have been unusually warm today. I don't mind at all.

I eagerly await the death and rebirth of the Sun God in its many forms, etcetera.

In other news...

Holy fucking chariot of Apollo, that was a horrible and vicious moment of flaring agony attack. Fibromyalgia, migraine, sciatica, lumbar pain, chondromalacia patella, joint stiffness, hemiparesis, spasticity, on and on and on. If I were not on the specific individual drug and supplement cocktail that deeply eases all this pain, I would be crying wildly without end, possibly inducing an epileptic seizure, which would make things worse. Thank Apollo things are not worse.
I will go to bed soon, and even though I can hope and wish that tomorrow will be better, all I can really do, usefully, is stretch and exercise and take the pills and medicines that will help.
I also want to say that sucking on lollipops does bring an amazing sense of calm and well being, floating me back to sweet memories.
Oh, dopamine and endorphins, please do your best...
And yet, I think some of this may have something to do with massive surges of intensity and emotion and power and energy and physics and metaphysics crashing through me and inside me and shaking me deeply. I don't mind that. I... love it. I love it. I do. Just as long as I can ease the pain somehow. My core is aligning with something powerful and extreme and I am almost afraid to dream tonight. I might fly so far and fast that my personal reality may not be the same when I wake up. But that might be a magnificent, beautiful thing. I feel extraordinary.
Ah, how the wind and rain howls outside.
Ah, how I feel so open and receptive and shining and beautiful and magical and free... and ready to accept whatever comes to me... to be enlightened in multiple ways... to let myself be carried by energies inside me that I know have always been there. I wish to and shall move up and on in my life, in many many amazing ways, because I, Joanna, am amazing.

And finally, to quote a shaman friend quoting another shaman:

"Shamans are well aware of these auspicious moments, but the Cosmic Window we are speaking about in this message has greater import, due to its alignment with the galactic core, the Central Sun of your galaxy, which is, in fact, a black hole.
This particular and rare alignment will result in a broadcasting of evolutionary energies throughout the galaxy. Your Earth is one of innumerable planets receiving this energy of upliftment.
As we view it, this cosmic alignment does not sound the end of your world, but it does herald a new beginning. How each of you deals with these catalytic evolutionary energies is a personal choice.
Indeed many individuals might experience these intense energies as an irritant. If you are not prepared mentally, emotionally and energetically to jump to higher levels within yourself, these energies can make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
If, however, you are aligned with the movement upward you will be carried by these energies. They can open extraordinary vistas for you if you are open to them.
This three-day period is an ideal time to contemplate your life from the vantage point of expanded states of consciousness, to step outside your timeline to sense the patterns of your life and your personal history that have brought you to this point in time."
-Tom Kenyon

So, I suppose the moral of this story - and day - is that what you think may be a nightmarish catastrophic disaster might actually just be your own mind shifting to a more powerful form of consciousness that you never knew you had. Good luck, humanity.




brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Blessed Yule; Good Solstice to all. May the various gods be in favor of stuff that is awesome. May the longest night of the year be full of fantastic things seen and unseen. May the light of friendship and the warmth of the hearthfire shelter you through the long night, as we celebrate the rebirth of the Sun.

All I want for $WinterHoliday is health, strength, and peace for my loved ones. Maybe a Nook Color tablet.

In other news:

The fibro flare is still happening severely. Remedies are being administered.
Monday's therapy session was amazing. In seven months, I have reached new parts of myself that my therapist says can take some people several years. I have realized things about my life that are life-changing. Progress has been wonderful.


Trying to get a cat to stop doing something is like... trying to get a cat to stop doing something.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Yule 2009, Winter Solstice 2009, etc. Yes. Wheel turns and all that. Gods die and live. Rah Gods. Rah Ra?
I shall express my pagany ways by... um... shopping for friends. And saying hi to trees. And playing with my cats. And keeping warm.
And then there's that other holiday coming up in four days to celebrate. Also, we almost forgot about Hanukkah. We are bad non-practicing Jews.
Thursday is a pot luck party at Wil's. Other than that, no idea.

I has coffee. From Mayorga. Costa Rica Tarrazu. We also have Sumatra Mandheling, but haven't opened it yet.

Yule gifts

Dec. 22nd, 2006 10:14 pm
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Adam picked me up from the Metro. I showed him the ring, which he liked very much and found very appropriate for me. He said he had bought me two things: One practical gift and one luxury gift. I told him I had no idea what to get him. So he said that because he had bought himself a used PlayStation 2, I could buy him a couple of games. He chose Full Metal Alchemist and the previously unreleased Final Fantasy Seven: Dirge Of Cerebrus.
He asked me if I wanted my presents now. I said that the solstice had already passed, and he nodded. We normally open our gifts on or just after Yule, depending on the day, usually the Friday or Saturday following.
When we got home, he gave me the practical gift first: Yaktrax Pro shoe grippers. I always have problems walking on snow and ice, and my knees and hips and ankles are permanently damaged from falling. I can strap these over my boots and have perfect traction, since I am actually walking on the metal and rubber parts and not my shoes. The luxury gift was slightly more incredible and happy. Originally, since I had no idea what I wanted, I told Adam I wanted a day at a spa. So he did me one better and bought me a portable home spa: A HoMedics Facial Spa Ultra Cleansing and Microdermabrasion System, including a special facial steamer! I have all the comforts of a professional spa facial and I can do it myself whenever I want. It's sort of the "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you feed him for life" comparision.
I really think these are among the best holiday presents I have ever gotten, my ring included.

I have never been big on presents. When I was a child, of course, I loved getting and giving, and I of course wanted toys and books and clothes and blank journals, things like that. And I always liked to give people exactly what they wanted, or from a list they'd give me. Or, I'd give them something I liked and knew they would also like. As I grew older, I stopped wanting people to buy things for me, unless they were very specific. I usually just bought everything I wanted myself. And I would rarely spend a lot of money, unless it was something huge, like an appliance (Adam and I did buy Lex a dishwasher years ago). Over time, the idea of spending so much money and bracing myself against shopping insanity felt ridiculous, so I shopped online at discounts or I made gifts. For instance, I just gave Lena a facial mask, and I have a similar gift for Beca. Or, I'd let people pick out something and I'd pay. The thought of receiving very expensive, extravagant gifts made me feel embarrassed, like I wasn't really worth it. But I always, always appreciated the gifts greatly.

I suppose my personal beliefs are that this holiday season shouldn't be an excuse to go crazy and go into debt for friends and family. In high school, I had a friend whose family expressed love through expensive presents every Christmas. And the more expensive, the better. I thought it was horrible. Some family members would throw tantrums if their presents were not extravagant enough. And I decided that it was a hideous way to celebrate a joyous season of rebirth, love, and hope.
So, I did not exactly shop for gifts. I bought a bottle of Sambucol for Danny because he had run out, and another bottle for the house, to protect against flu and cold viruses. I got chocolate for various people. Simple, small things. Love. That's all.

I respect and admire those who love to pile presents under a tree, who experience elation at ripping open wrapping paper. It's happiness and excitement. It's wonder.
However, it's not for me. And I'm happy with that.

So, blessed Yule to some, happy Hanukah to others, and merry Christmas to others still. I hope it is full of true love, hope, generosity, charity, and kindness.


Dec. 22nd, 2006 01:58 pm
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
And because I completely forgot...

Blessed Winter Solstice. May the reborn Sun God be merry and bright. Etcetera.
"The winter solstice is the longest night of the year and is said to be when the Goddess gives birth to the God. From here on in the year, the days will become longer as the god grows into his full strength."
Oh, and may the Goddess have a nice pain-free recovery from giving birth to the Sun God. I hear childbirth is insanely painful. Besides, she'll need to keep an eye on him as he grows up. Come summer, it'll be interesting with the brightness and the warmth and the fuck it's hot Mommy.

"Yule is the time of greatest darkness and the longest night of the year. The Winter Solstice had been associated with the birth of a 'Divine King' long before the rise of Christianity. Since the Sun is considered to represent the Male Divinity in many Pagan Traditions, this time is celebrated as the "return of the Sun God" where He is reborn of the Goddess."
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I have the BEST husband in the WORLD.
Adam sat me down on the couch and handed me three wrapped Yule presents, as it is the night before Yule. He let me open one, so I picked the middle sized one. I ripped off the wrapping,
and squealed
"Oh my fucking gods, you got me a My Little Pony!! I love you I love you I love you!"
My husband bought me a My Little Pony.
It has been fifteen years since I played with a My Little Pony.
Her name is Sparkleworks and she has a tiara.
I have been bouncing and squeaking for about two hours.

See? I have a Pony:

Adam is still incredibly amused: "I can't believe you had such a reaction to the My Little Pony! I can't wait till you open the other two presents; you should love those even more."
Ohhh, the excitement and anticipation...

Yes, I am feeling better. Much.


brightlotusmoon: (Default)

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