Meh

[brightlotusmoon]

Today is...
I mean...
I guess I'm not feeling...
Oh hell, I can say it now, right? I got a fucking medical diagnosis now, right?
I feel depressed. Also anxious. Also, it's nothing new.
I used to think that saying "I feel depressed" without having medical depression was a bad thing for me to say, because there are millions of actually medically depressed people out there who would laugh in my face. But now that I admit to being one of them, what do I say?
Today, I see my first psychotherapist. She's not just any therapist; she specializes in chronic pain and illness, so our sessions will focus on how fibromyalgia and all my other disabilities are affecting my mental and emotional and spiritual states. Mom will pay the bill for that. She really wants to help me as much as possible. She suspected I was depressed and physically full of pain as a child but wasn't certain until now.
I hate the stigma of psychotherapy. I hate when people say that therapy is bullshit and therapists don't actually want to help you. Then again, the people who say that never did find therapists who worked for them. Or doctors. Or they just gave up on themselves.
Tomorrow, I see the neurologist. I'd like to try taking the antidepressant Zoloft instead of Savella. Zoloft seems interesting. It's been prescribed off-label for fibromyalgia, as well as other physical pain issues, plus OCD and anxiety and fatigue. My family doctor approves my asking the neurologist about switching from Savella to Zoloft, and I can ask either doctor to prescribe the Zoloft.
I honestly don't know what the Savella is doing. I thought I did. I've been living this way for so long that I can't even tell what makes me happy anymore. I thought I already was happy.
I feel like I can't find the energy to even socialize properly right now, not even online. Writing emails or comments makes me tired. I really do need these doctors. I wish more people were not so ashamed of themselves. Gods forbid they actually find the help they need and start feeling better, right? Help is a good thing. Makes you strong.

Comments

You know...

[xanateria.livejournal.com]

I have been in and out of therapy over the years at various times, for various things. A lot of them were related to chronic pain and illness and coping. Some were not. But all of them taught me that if you are getting through your day, you are doing it right, because it you are still going.

And, having been there, I can tell you that once you realize you don`t know what makes you happy, you are far closer to finding it than you might think. And whatever it takes to get you back there, be it meds, therapy, homeopathy, metaphysics or some combination of things, you have every right to feel confused and all over the place while you figure it out. When you are hurting that way, it`s not like the usual physical pain. It drains you because it blocks you from feeling any of the good, even if you want to. Problem is, you get so used to being able to cope with the pain and keep going that you don`t realize this kind doesn`t get dealt with like you`re used to. Hence the not knowing what to do with yourself, because all the previous practice doesn`t help. *sigh* Arrrgh, I am rambling. All of this was my way of saying...it`s okay, it`s not just you and it does get better. I promise.

And good for you for moving forward and being determined to help yourself. *careful hugs*

Re: You know...

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darling girl. I'm so confused and a little scared of myself. This really, really, really helps so much. I love you. Thanks for sticking by me.