Mar. 18th, 2007

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I am tired of being silent for the sake of compassion and love. I want to scream out into the skies, but the one who needs to hear it most may not hear it deeply enough.
It is hurting the ones closest to us. And last night, at last someone voiced the fury and frustration so many of us have been feeling but have shut up about it because this is a person we love so much. I cried myself to sleep. This has to stop. It is very possible for a person to be poison for another, and for a relationship to be toxic. A simple prick on the lips, pretend to love and care, but it is poison. This will stop. I will have no part in it, and I will look away every time. It is the only way I can deal with it, to look away and have no part.

This morning Luna woke me up by running around the bed, chasing her invisible tiny demons. She found one of her soft toy mice and carried it across the nest of pillows, throwing it into the air and catching it and striking it with her paws over and over. I called and she bounded to me, onto my chest, trilling, rubbing my face with hers. I turned on the television. "Silent Hill" was playing and was about halfway done. The funny thing about me and scary movies is that it is better for my psyche if I watch them early in the day. My imagination is very strong and very, very suggestible. In the dark, at bedtime, my memory brings it all to life. People wonder why I refuse to watch horror movies without the chance to look away and to lower or mute the volume. If I am able to create universes of my choosing in my writerbrain, I would also create living ghost nightmares that would tear at me.

I have this intense need to be around people. Just to know I'm not by myself. I don't have the one person I need most, and I won't have him for at least another week. I want to put my arms around people and hold them, I want to feel more real.
It feels so strange, to be social like this.
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Sunday, it is quiet and the snow is melting fast, it is now in the forties (Fahrenheit).
The sun is out and shining.
I brewed rooibos tea last night, four teabags, long as hours and dark as blood, strong as love.
I am so calm. Everything is like wind. Everything will pass over and blow along, and the world will happen as the world happens.
I am committed to writing this scene, probably the darkest scene in the entire novel, but it will hurt.
I am relieved; I was able to hold back the seizure last night. I will not let myself be affected like that again, nothing like that is worth it.
I should get the mail soon; Friday and Saturday, two days' worth. I did not walk to the mailboxes yesterday because of the cold and snow.
I have not allowed myself personal time, real time, just for me, in a long time; I used to think it was too selfish. Now I may have to for my own health.

People need to stop hurting each other. It goes nowhere and becomes a vicious cycle. There is no love when there is this sort of mutual pain. There is only a ship of fools.

Charlotte is here, helping me clean house, and we are now watching the movie "Masters Of The Universe" which I have never seen.
Let the amusement begin.
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I'm not sure if this is going to be a lengthy short story or a novel. It might become a novel. I'm working the kinks out, of course. I started it years ago and only just recently picked up on it again. It does need plenty work, and this is only the first draft. This is one of the few stories that were born out of my head almost full-grown. It began very quickly, thick like honey, and flowed like wine, at least for a few pages.

A powerful young witch with medical issues and an interesting family history, who has vampire friends.
Blood And Soul )
That's all so far.


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