on choice

[brightlotusmoon]

I started devouring de Lint's Tapping The Dream Tree collection. So far, the stories have pulled me in completely -- particularly "Many Worlds Are Born Tonight." That one is powerful enough to give me chills. It made me really consider the possibility of what happens to all the decisions we never make, the other paths we chose to not take. The "many worlds" theory of cosmology.
I have thought about it many times over the past few years: What if I had not decided to take the leap to be with Adam? Never emailed him that day in June 1999, asking how he was. What if I had turned down Tish's offer to set me Adam? What if Tish had not started dating Bane, or even met him? She wouldn't have met Adam or James. What if I had never met Tish? Or what if I had decided to not be friends with her? She was the catalyst for where I am right now. And what if I decided to not apply to SUNY Purchase, or what if I had not been accepted? I wouldn't have become friends with Corinne, who introduced me to Tish, who introduced me to Bane, James, and Adam. I wouldn't be here. Where would I be? Would I still be living with my parents? Would I have met someone else, fell in love, lived somewhere else? What about Adam; would be still be launching himself into a string of bad relationships? I won't ever know, because those choices were never made.
But in other worlds, they were.
And then, the little things: You think about going to a nightclub one Saturday. You decide not to, and instead you call up some friends and have a quite night at someone's house. But in another world, you did go into that nightclub, and there you met someone who would become the love of your life, or your best friend, or someone who would mean something great to you. Or, you apply for two jobs and get accepted in both cases. Which job do you choose? You might choose one, but in another world, you have chosen the other.
Adam calls it "the five minute window." His theory is that every decision in our lives, every choice, every event, everything we do, hinges on choices that were made within five minutes and events that occur within five minutes. You strike up a conversation with a pretty girl or a handsome guy and you wind up in a relationship that lasts for years. You send in a resume to a certain company and get your dream job. You make or receive a fateful phone call and your life changes forever.
Little things. Little choices.
Charles de Lint struck a deep nerve with "Many Worlds Are Born Tonight" and I am grateful. I can only hope that at the end of my life, I will see that giant Ferris wheel made of bones, carrying all my possibilities, all the people I could have been, all the things I could have done. All the worlds I could have lived.

Comments

[queen-lily-rose.livejournal.com]

Parallel Lives And Alternate Timelines Have Always Fascinated Me Too.

[libwitch.livejournal.com]

Totally not related, but do you mind terrribly if I friend you? I have always enjoyed your posts and comments in dot pagan snark, and I have to admit, your user bio intrigued me - especially the part about your birth (I weighed 1.5 lbs).

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Sure, go ahead! I'll have a look at your bio as well. I was 1 pound 13 ounces, so I think you were smaller than me! How many weeks were you premature?

The main issues after my birth were the collapsed lungs (the right one went three times) and some damaged brain matter. Did you have any problems?

[libwitch.livejournal.com]

I was three months early, and born with a twin that was still born - no one knew there was twins, so it was shock. Hell, I didnt know there was a twin until my former babysitter let it slip until I was 12. According to my doctor, I was the smallest baby who survived for 12 years on the East Coast. Apparently, he kept calling doctors for advice and they kept hanging up on him. (http://libwitch.livejournal.com/323908.html)

I do have one lung that is about half the size of the other, and some things I just can't do due to odd brain development - balance is off, speech development was lagged (didnt talk until I was 3, speech therapy until 13, still have trouble if I am not careful), and physical routines I can't get easily at all (which made cheerleading a torture, and when people say "its in your muscle memory!" I would get angry, until I figured out why I didnt have one, really.

It probably also explained why I never walked until I was 4. And my doctor also suspects it explains why I am the only one in my family with asthma - they always thought I would have breathing problems.

I was lucky, though, I know. I think they were expecting the collaspsed lungs too, and I know they told my parents I would be developmentaly disabled.

(I was giggling when I looked at your blog and tags - for one I LOVE the animaniacs (I own 2 seasons so far) and I know all the subway stops you take pictures of. When I go to DC for conferences, I actually love taking the subway. I am a bit odd, i think.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Goodness! You impress me. Your story in that entry... it reminds me of my own. I was featured in a couple of journals and publications too. But see, there are two weeks between our births, and that really is a big difference, if you think about it. My husband's younger brother was born more than three months early, and is so badly disabled that he's in a group home and will be there for the rest of his life.

I was one of only three kids in my elementary school with cerebral palsy, and in middle school and high school, the only student with any physical disability (very small schools). I didn't learn how to walk properly until I was three, I couldn't run until I was four, and I had a severe limp and awkward gait. Lots of motor coordination problenms, etc. It was very frustrating.
Now? It's a little better. I'm still learning every day. It just annoys me and sometimes brings me to tears that I suddenly have all these other ailments that are probably all because of what happened when I was born (epilepsy, fibromylagia, Raynaud's, migraine disorder, etc etc etc).
My mother has an incompetent cervix; the baby born before me was four months early and died quickly. She would have never been able to carry to full term anyway. She still carries around a lot of guilt over my birth problems.

[libwitch.livejournal.com]

I try to joke about it a bit. Like I tell my family (as I thank gods I am state employee and have good health insurance, something we never had growing up) that I got all the health problems so they don't have to. And my cluminess is a family joke. And I was born on a Tuesday, so in between that - and my name Sarah - Tuesdays child is full of grace - Princess Grace? HA!

yeah. So lots of jokes there. And of course, the joke that I learned to talk late, so to make up of for losts time I never shut up since. I can't

But I still hate that I have never been able to dance, and that I suck at sports, and I can;t be athletic (my brother, the star althete of everything) and I taught my friend firespinning and now she spins circles around me and does moves I can't - and she has RDS! But you know, I can sit and read for hours and be very happy, so I am easily pleased in trade off.

I guess I try not to be angry or sad about it because nothing could have been done to change it, and no one thought I should have been alive. The newspaper story from when I was brought home says "We hope they all live." I was the first baby brought through the neo-natal ICU unit, so my parents told me once without it, I wouldn't be here.

They also used to tell me that I wasn't paid off, and they would return me to the hospital and demand a refund. They have an odd sense of humor.

So you were born 29 weeks early? How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Becuase yeah, that two weeks will make a HUGE difference.

I am sorry to hear that your mom still holds guilt for something that was so much out of her control. My mom once told me that she wished that we could have afforded to go to the doctor when I was a kid in hopes of warding off my problems now, and I just sort of stared at her before I just hugged her. I can't imagine how much burdens our parents carry for us that are not necessary because they are out of their control, but are there by virtue of relationship.


I had a dear friend in high school (my class had 60 students) who had mild MS - we have since lost touch, and I suspect by now she may be a in wheelchair if it continued to progresss - but when we were growing up, she moved much like it sounded like you did. I remember, if it helps you at all, that she felt terribly self-conscious about it, but we never thought much about it. I guess it was that we grew up with her, since we had all been together since kindergarten - its was Krista, and yeah, she may walk a bit oddly, but she had a reason why (we didnt really understand why until we were in elementary school and we learned about MS in health class and she told us she had it) and she couldn't run that fast and sometimes she needed help carrying her tray, especially if she tired. But you know, someone new tried to make fun of her and got kicked in the balls for it.

I did not fit in well in my school - I was the type of shy kid that spoke maybe to the same 5 kids the entire 13 years I was there - but even nwo I realize that to others I was probably just a very geeky and slightly awkward kid, and not a very geeky and very clumsy and very awkward kid. We always magnify our faults.

Of course, I was force to take in baby pictures once in third grade (everyone had to). I then earned some nickname of "old lady baby" for months afterward, since I was such a wrinkly pruny thing. People say to me "Oh, there is no such thing as an ugly baby." And I ask "Have you ever seen a really premature baby?"

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I can't do physical sports and things to save my life. Never learned to run properly, and running or jogging causes intense pain anyway. In high school, I was the only student who did not have to be in the gym classes with everyone else. If the sport of exercise was something that I was physically challenged in, I could go down to the weight room while the class was running. In sports like volleyball, I was allowed to serve the balls close to the net, etc. When we had to run a mile, I was allowed to walk. It wasn't special treatment, it was just accomodating. I had too much difficulty.

I don't get angry or sad, just contemplative. I have a lot of What Ifs in my head. To be honest, having all these problems is simply normal. It is what I am used to. It's a little hard to imagine my life without them.

I'm 28. I was born on April 6th, 1979, when I should have been born in the middle of June. Mom carried me for 26 weeks before she went into labor. When I was born, the doctors thought I was born at 28 weeks, since I was so well-developed, but Mom knew the day of conception.

Okay, so that paragraph describing yourself in high school is word for word how I was in high school Kinda spooky, but not really when you think about it. :)

[libwitch.livejournal.com]

I wondered if you were a bit younger then me - I know the mid-70s was sort of a mega-research time for preemie development and neo-natal care, so it would have been very unlikely that you were the same age or just a year or two younger.

I know with my classmate she was never given any official accomadations, but everyone just sort of worked with her - but then again, I started kindergarten in 78, and I don't think we ever really heard anything about "mainstreaming" or accomdations until I was in JH school.