*nods* The times when I feel myself slipping are the times I want to shout the loudest. Part of me is actually in denial that I could ever get sick again, isn't that funny? ... I think that's part of what makes anorexia a real illness. You don't always have control over how it affects you. You can recover, but it's kind of like an recovered alcoholic doing a shot of vodka. It will always be there, at the edges.

The thing about my anorexia was that I never "got" the illness from "reading magazines and seeing thin women". I got it because a bout with food poisoning made me terrified of getting sick from food. I honestly thought large portions of food was the enemy. I didn't ever think it was a problem. It was only when I started having extraordinarily irrational, bizarre thoughts of "I don't want to get fat, I need to stay thin" that I realized it was a problem. And it still wasn't a choice. Those thoughts didn't feel like mine at all.

My mother told me a few months ago that an eating disorder starts out as a subconscious decision that overwhelms the conscious mind and yes, it does take control. But it is based off of a personal choice.
I don't believe that. There is some truth to that, but I feel that the illness grabs you from the start, without your choice subconscious or conscious. Maybe it is a choice -- but it may not be your own.
I believe there is a big difference between "choosing to avoid food because of fear of getting sick" and "choosing to deliberately starve so as to stay skinny."