Happy Birthday, Adam
Jul. 8th, 2011 02:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightlotusmoonMy husband turns 35 today. I still say he looks and acts at least five years younger.
We watched the last space shuttle take off, and we ate breakfast (omelets with meat and cheese, and garden fresh cucumbers and strawberries) while watching the first Star Trek movie, and we decided to just be together all day, quietly, since Adam has go to New York tomorrow for a few days.
I am craving cheesecake so badly that I might beg him to take me to a bakery. We could put a candle in a slice of cheesecake.
My therapist and I talked about why I've slipped back into disordered eating habits. I told her the foods I eat more often, and she said they all sounded likerich comfort foods. We talked about how alone I feel. We talked about how I've never greived for myself, and how I've never been angry. My homework is to write a letter to the Joanna who could have been, the healthy Joanna who never developed brain damage at birth in the first place. Who might she have been? I do mourn her some days. I don't know if I've ever felt anger intense enough to make me scream and roar and howl. I don't even think it's in my nature.
The Klonopin and Zoloft are doing good things for me, and I've started massaging out the worst of my sore muscles. It's a lot of work. I can never truly relax. Hypertonia and neuromuscular tension prevents that. Soma is the only medication that even comes close to loosening my muscles, and Flexeril is a close second. I take each on a weekly basis, and when I don't take them I do my best to stretch and massage as best as I can. And people still accuse me of being addicted. Fuck them. I now ignore them. It's impossible to find good support groups that don't have morons who insist on analyzing and dictating everyone's medical issues.
Adam, my first best friend, my transcendance, my universal love, supports and understands me in a way that very few people do. His unwavering support is what helps me get through the day. He is why I believe in fate and the universe as sentient. The universe put us together for a reason. Here's to my husband on his birthday, and may he live long as prosper.
We watched the last space shuttle take off, and we ate breakfast (omelets with meat and cheese, and garden fresh cucumbers and strawberries) while watching the first Star Trek movie, and we decided to just be together all day, quietly, since Adam has go to New York tomorrow for a few days.
I am craving cheesecake so badly that I might beg him to take me to a bakery. We could put a candle in a slice of cheesecake.
My therapist and I talked about why I've slipped back into disordered eating habits. I told her the foods I eat more often, and she said they all sounded likerich comfort foods. We talked about how alone I feel. We talked about how I've never greived for myself, and how I've never been angry. My homework is to write a letter to the Joanna who could have been, the healthy Joanna who never developed brain damage at birth in the first place. Who might she have been? I do mourn her some days. I don't know if I've ever felt anger intense enough to make me scream and roar and howl. I don't even think it's in my nature.
The Klonopin and Zoloft are doing good things for me, and I've started massaging out the worst of my sore muscles. It's a lot of work. I can never truly relax. Hypertonia and neuromuscular tension prevents that. Soma is the only medication that even comes close to loosening my muscles, and Flexeril is a close second. I take each on a weekly basis, and when I don't take them I do my best to stretch and massage as best as I can. And people still accuse me of being addicted. Fuck them. I now ignore them. It's impossible to find good support groups that don't have morons who insist on analyzing and dictating everyone's medical issues.
Adam, my first best friend, my transcendance, my universal love, supports and understands me in a way that very few people do. His unwavering support is what helps me get through the day. He is why I believe in fate and the universe as sentient. The universe put us together for a reason. Here's to my husband on his birthday, and may he live long as prosper.
