If I don't survive, tell my wife "hello."
Jan. 31st, 2013 03:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightlotusmoonOkay.
Okay.
I'm... oh, hell, what is just under "okay" but not near "bad" or "poor"? Medication and meditation have both helped immensely. Cuddling with spouse and cats has helped immensely. I was laughing. Except there was still that Dark Nope in my mind, flattening me and reminding me that darkness was everywhere in my brain right now. There is absolutely no point in pasting on a smile and ignoring the depression, because fuck it, there it is, and it will end when the episode ends. See? Clinical major depression is an entity, and it will leave when it is ready. It can be coerced, cajoled, enticed, forced and tortured. But sparkly thoughts are not a treatment. I have not and do not live any part of my life by the so-called "The Secret" book suggestions. Nice idea though.
I have been envisioning things that relax me, entertain me, and amuse me, of course.
Best to take my pills with something decent in my stomach - milk in coffee, juice, yogurt. Followed by a full meal. I just have no feeling for an appetite. It's not a rejection of food, it's just a lack of feeling hungry. I ate half a burger with sliced cheese and yuk choy vegetable dip, washed down with thick acai pomegranate juice. It was plenty.
I just feel empty, dark, slow, neutral. That is it. Neutral. Shrug. Whatever. Okay. I don't mind. "I have no strong feelings one way or the other." (Hah! I knew I'd find a way to quote that line soon.) I don't really want to go anywhere particularly to anyone else's houses and couches. If I were to move, it would to go walking, shopping, moving for exercises. I'm just a cat. If someone wants to hang out with me, they had better enjoy sitting on a couch, reading books and watching TV and browsing online. With the occasional discussion about physics and neuroscience and maybe fandoms.
See, here's the tricky part: Depression is a great pretender. It can put on a perfect mask. It can smile, laugh, and interact with the best of them. That is what viruses do. It can move me, control me, make me do whatever it needs me to do while it quietly spreads across all my nervous system and tweaks each little neuron so that gradually it overcomes its host and becomes a best friend. Creepy, isn't it?
But I will know. I have been learning. That is part of my library magic, my moonlight magic. I am just as sneaky. I have weapons. I can sneak into the main consoles and screw with the auxiliary systems before I even start working on tampering the primary systems. Sometimes I get caught and I get locked up and I even get tortured. But usually it is worth it.
In conclusion... I will be okay. For now, I am that thing just below "okay" which is nebulous.
Nebulas are pretty.
I've been watching too much Star Trek. I don't even care.
Okay.
I'm... oh, hell, what is just under "okay" but not near "bad" or "poor"? Medication and meditation have both helped immensely. Cuddling with spouse and cats has helped immensely. I was laughing. Except there was still that Dark Nope in my mind, flattening me and reminding me that darkness was everywhere in my brain right now. There is absolutely no point in pasting on a smile and ignoring the depression, because fuck it, there it is, and it will end when the episode ends. See? Clinical major depression is an entity, and it will leave when it is ready. It can be coerced, cajoled, enticed, forced and tortured. But sparkly thoughts are not a treatment. I have not and do not live any part of my life by the so-called "The Secret" book suggestions. Nice idea though.
I have been envisioning things that relax me, entertain me, and amuse me, of course.
Best to take my pills with something decent in my stomach - milk in coffee, juice, yogurt. Followed by a full meal. I just have no feeling for an appetite. It's not a rejection of food, it's just a lack of feeling hungry. I ate half a burger with sliced cheese and yuk choy vegetable dip, washed down with thick acai pomegranate juice. It was plenty.
I just feel empty, dark, slow, neutral. That is it. Neutral. Shrug. Whatever. Okay. I don't mind. "I have no strong feelings one way or the other." (Hah! I knew I'd find a way to quote that line soon.) I don't really want to go anywhere particularly to anyone else's houses and couches. If I were to move, it would to go walking, shopping, moving for exercises. I'm just a cat. If someone wants to hang out with me, they had better enjoy sitting on a couch, reading books and watching TV and browsing online. With the occasional discussion about physics and neuroscience and maybe fandoms.
See, here's the tricky part: Depression is a great pretender. It can put on a perfect mask. It can smile, laugh, and interact with the best of them. That is what viruses do. It can move me, control me, make me do whatever it needs me to do while it quietly spreads across all my nervous system and tweaks each little neuron so that gradually it overcomes its host and becomes a best friend. Creepy, isn't it?
But I will know. I have been learning. That is part of my library magic, my moonlight magic. I am just as sneaky. I have weapons. I can sneak into the main consoles and screw with the auxiliary systems before I even start working on tampering the primary systems. Sometimes I get caught and I get locked up and I even get tortured. But usually it is worth it.
In conclusion... I will be okay. For now, I am that thing just below "okay" which is nebulous.
Nebulas are pretty.
I've been watching too much Star Trek. I don't even care.
