Part II, because no worries, I can't shut the fuck up ever.
It was very scary and VERY odd to 1)see these personalities the way other people must (since a few have been recorded - my husband has recorded events a few times, and we have pictures. I am actually Shilo in my user pic, so that's ME, but not me as ME), and 2)live in a trauma unit where 20 people from all over the country have DID and C-PTSD. A lot of awful shit went down, and it was triggering. But good came out of it, too. I'm still not completely co-conscious, but at least I understand the hows and whys pretty well. The worst parts were always when a personality would come out, not understand where he or she was, and would lash out. Then I/we'd be sedated and thrown in a padded room. Not a good way to wake up in the morning...
And it's okay if it's fascinating. It sometimes fascinates me, because I GET it, but it's still so - new. This has been my whole life, but piecing it together is a really interesting project. It's an outline of my life - but not my life. I'm 31 now, and have technically had DID since I was 2 (despite the diagnosis at 23 - for years and years, I was thought to have bipolar II or schizophrenia, but then, a doctor actually did his job - imagine - and everything started to add up), so I have a lot to try to put together.
It does seem like DID stems from trauma and illness and so forth (as I mentioned, I was brutally raped - by my birth father as a child, and then several times by different men as a teenager. I was also beaten, neglected, emotionally manipulated, and gaslighted), but Healthy Multiplicity is a good strategy and isn't an illness, per se. I mean, I wouldn't wish DID on my worst enemy (okay, maybe on a few people, ha...), but multiplicity seems like a "good" way to cope. It doesn't seem as "take-over no matter what" as DID does, which makes it healthy, which definitely is the key word here. DID is hiding, in a sense, because my two-year-old brain learned to hide to escape trauma. Multiplicity, in the sense you describe it, seems like a way to say, "I may need a little help here, so these are my guides, and they make everything better." It's not hiding as much as sharing, maybe? And yeah, I have a Real Fucking Problem, but so do most of us. I don't bitch about it too often (though I do mean to journal tonight...), but it's a daily thing for me. The memories come back in horrid flashes, but find me someone who hasn't had at least one bad thing happen to them, right?
I'm a trained opera singer, so I know acting. And acting helps. But I'm not sure multiplicity = acting. I mean, I've been able to have other personalities sing roles for me if THEY wanted to, but I'd say Healthy Multiplicity is more coping than "pretending." I don't see it as pretending, I guess. And I know I couldn't act my way into DID if the fucking Academy asked me to.
You can argue with them? That's intriguing to me, because it's very DID-like in THAT regard. I can argue with Ruby. I'll often find notes from her to me, and write her back, and we go on and on. But it's not in my head as much as it is on paper. When she's in my head, she's either 1)watching, or 2)taking over completely. But that does seem like a bit of a similarity - again, minus the time loss bit.
But I'm not sure that multiplicity is a BAD thing if it helps you cope. Is it healthy? I mean, I don't know. If you succumb to it completely and aren't YOU, then yeah, bad thing. If you can't be logical as YOU, you've crossed into a pretty "hard to get out of" territory. Do you see a psych? Does that ever come up?
Ahh, illness fakers. My favorite people. I love when people are "sick" because it gives them attention, or makes them seem cool, or xyz excuse. People like that disgust me. Don't fake or compare. Just - exist with what you have. Figure it out. Don't be a dick. Why people want to fake bipolar or DID is so utterly disgusting. And I can spot them from a mile away. Though I do have some internal help with that...
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Date: 2013-05-08 03:36 am (UTC)It was very scary and VERY odd to 1)see these personalities the way other people must (since a few have been recorded - my husband has recorded events a few times, and we have pictures. I am actually Shilo in my user pic, so that's ME, but not me as ME), and 2)live in a trauma unit where 20 people from all over the country have DID and C-PTSD. A lot of awful shit went down, and it was triggering. But good came out of it, too. I'm still not completely co-conscious, but at least I understand the hows and whys pretty well. The worst parts were always when a personality would come out, not understand where he or she was, and would lash out. Then I/we'd be sedated and thrown in a padded room. Not a good way to wake up in the morning...
And it's okay if it's fascinating. It sometimes fascinates me, because I GET it, but it's still so - new. This has been my whole life, but piecing it together is a really interesting project. It's an outline of my life - but not my life. I'm 31 now, and have technically had DID since I was 2 (despite the diagnosis at 23 - for years and years, I was thought to have bipolar II or schizophrenia, but then, a doctor actually did his job - imagine - and everything started to add up), so I have a lot to try to put together.
It does seem like DID stems from trauma and illness and so forth (as I mentioned, I was brutally raped - by my birth father as a child, and then several times by different men as a teenager. I was also beaten, neglected, emotionally manipulated, and gaslighted), but Healthy Multiplicity is a good strategy and isn't an illness, per se. I mean, I wouldn't wish DID on my worst enemy (okay, maybe on a few people, ha...), but multiplicity seems like a "good" way to cope. It doesn't seem as "take-over no matter what" as DID does, which makes it healthy, which definitely is the key word here. DID is hiding, in a sense, because my two-year-old brain learned to hide to escape trauma. Multiplicity, in the sense you describe it, seems like a way to say, "I may need a little help here, so these are my guides, and they make everything better." It's not hiding as much as sharing, maybe? And yeah, I have a Real Fucking Problem, but so do most of us. I don't bitch about it too often (though I do mean to journal tonight...), but it's a daily thing for me. The memories come back in horrid flashes, but find me someone who hasn't had at least one bad thing happen to them, right?
I'm a trained opera singer, so I know acting. And acting helps. But I'm not sure multiplicity = acting. I mean, I've been able to have other personalities sing roles for me if THEY wanted to, but I'd say Healthy Multiplicity is more coping than "pretending." I don't see it as pretending, I guess. And I know I couldn't act my way into DID if the fucking Academy asked me to.
You can argue with them? That's intriguing to me, because it's very DID-like in THAT regard. I can argue with Ruby. I'll often find notes from her to me, and write her back, and we go on and on. But it's not in my head as much as it is on paper. When she's in my head, she's either 1)watching, or 2)taking over completely. But that does seem like a bit of a similarity - again, minus the time loss bit.
But I'm not sure that multiplicity is a BAD thing if it helps you cope. Is it healthy? I mean, I don't know. If you succumb to it completely and aren't YOU, then yeah, bad thing. If you can't be logical as YOU, you've crossed into a pretty "hard to get out of" territory. Do you see a psych? Does that ever come up?
Ahh, illness fakers. My favorite people. I love when people are "sick" because it gives them attention, or makes them seem cool, or xyz excuse. People like that disgust me. Don't fake or compare. Just - exist with what you have. Figure it out. Don't be a dick. Why people want to fake bipolar or DID is so utterly disgusting. And I can spot them from a mile away. Though I do have some internal help with that...