Flayed, and chatty

[brightlotusmoon]

Sooo... that hard fall I took yesterday outside the medical buildings? It turns out it was a little worse than I thought. This displeases me. Both legs, hips, knees, and the general lower back is stiff, bruised, burning, throbbing, stabby, and eurgh. And somehow, my fingers feel as though they've been slashed from the inside. I don't understand that part. So I've been doing sciatica hamstring stretches, like my favorite butterfly stretch, hot showers yada yada. You know, the personalized modified NotYoga basic poses that might be basic Baby Pilates. I really did not expect it.

It was just a slip and fall onto a grassy sidewalk, I said. I was wearing layers and carrying a cane, I said. It wasn't so awful, I said. What the fuck is this, I now say.

So, right. Last night, I dreamed that I was on a beach being attacked by a creature that slashed me to ribbons before canon characters from "Lost Girl" arrived (I know, facepalm). I was still an airmed Light Fae (pronounced "awr-meed"), my OC, so I healed well enough, but I remember Bo and Dyson holding me tight trying to staunch the blood flow while Trick guided Kenzi through some sort of incantation, I don't know. I just remember falling asleep in Bo's arms. And I woke up in actual life, in my bed, feeling exactly like my dream self. The sciatica in my right leg was so intense that I stretched for hours without leaving the bed. I couldn't move my fingers very well. I don't even know. (Also, Doctor Lauren wasn't there because I dislike Lauren :p)

So right now, neither leg works well and it is really hard to limp with two stiff legs. The remaining Soma, which will not be refilled, will be taken until the bottle is empty, and then the increased Baclofen will take over. I will continue to stretch and apply massage and heat, because fucking sciatica. Also, during the night my back kept spasming so hard that I had to separate "CP spasm" from "complex partial seizure" since those seizures tend to send warning signals to my spine for some reason. It may have been both. Chronic stress, after all. Banging head on wall. All these little things, I swear. I'm clenching my fists. It hurts. I want to scream.

The ridiculous part of this is that it was just a simple trip, slip, and fall on a grassy sidewalk. And yet my entire body has decided that it was a Big Deal. *side-eye*

I have friends battling various cancers, severe diabetes, multiple sclerosis, diseases with a potential death sentence. They're trying to stay low and not pain-brag or talk about their symptoms. I admire their strength. I admire how we all handle our own illnesses in our own way. I just... I cannot stop feeling the need to talk, even if it's just about those little things. Because I know people want to know. I want to tell people I am here, and they are not alone.

Comments

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

I think that for me - as one of those people with chronic pain but also battling a cancer that won't go into remission, as well as dealing with MS, out-of-control Lupus, and myxedema comas that could kill me with almost zero warning signs (and I'm leaving things like DID out of this) - it's easier for me to lay low. If I receive some news, I share it (typically on FB) - like I did with my blood work, for instance - but otherwise, this is my status quo. I'm going to be in a lot of pain, I'm going to be fighting cancer, I'm going to be flaring. Reminding myself or others about that doesn't personally do me any good. If it does someone else good - if it helps you keep record, if it helps you to share - then share. But until I have something earth-shattering to share, I probably won't. Cancer is an ugly thing people don't like to hear about, and I'm learning this the very hard way. People don't want to know that I can't control my bladder functions or that I fall asleep and don't wake up until I'm in the ICU two days later. Mortality - or lack thereof - is terrifying. And you know, because you've dealt with it, that the younger you are, the less people "expect" you to be sick in any way.

So for me, it's easier to just share the bigger updates, and leave the day-to-day to, well, the day-to-day. But that's me. (I should add, though, that therapy is a wonderful thing, as is private journaling.) I'm not embarrassed about what I have, but it's depressing, so - we all have our ways. Yours works, mine works, and while no one is alone, there is always that degree of isolation when you deal with ANY illness. I'm trying to find my way around it with my particular set of circumstances. It just may take time, as I'm sure you understand from your own circumstances. <3

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*nod nod* I've noticed that about you. To be honest, I would love to know more about what you're going through, even if you message me privately, but I completely understand not wanting to keep talking about such huge, massive, incredible things like the cancer, the comas, etc. In fact, I was thinking about you, and a few other friends with similar issues. I admire your ways, because I can only imagine the crushing despair that constant updating might do - you live with it, anyway!

You're still one of my heroes for the way you are working with and around all that awfulness. I'm not going to do any inspiration porn, because you just existing doesn't inspire anything - but what you DO with what you have is inspiring. I had a long talk with one of my cerebral palsy friends about that.

I've started noticing that I only keep updating on certain things, like news regarding things I never knew about the CP and the autism, which I'm stumbling through. And, like, that hard fall I took after visiting doctor offices and such. I think those things are important. And I'll get philosophical and maudlin and pensive - and oddly enough, a LOT of people enjoy reading those posts and tell me how encouraging they are, LOL. I guess I'm trying to rise above the sense of isolation we all feel, no matter what issues we have. I'm not going to die, but I'm certainly dealing with two dozen medical issues that will only end when I am dead... and I know you and our friends really really get that... as disturbing as creepy as that sounds.

So, at this point, if you want to let loose and tell me all the stuff that's been going on, feel free. I love you.

[natalief.livejournal.com]

I am here. I read this. *safe hugs if wanted*

I may have MS but it is very mild and most days I do not get much pain. Most of my symptoms are cognitive (and so prevent me from being the programmer that I used to be). I have weaned myself off taking codeine (unless the pain is very bad). I do seem to have had many fewer migraines since doing so.

Anyway, I just thought I would update you on the codeine and comment that I respect you hugely and that you should write what you want to write. It is your LJ/FB.