cry a river

I tend to make up conversations in my head--usually debates with friends. This is why I never argue with people. Because I already know how it's going to go, and that I'm going to lose. I can play out exactly what they say and how they respond to my statements.
I was doing this earlier after lunch. I came to some very powerful, scary conclusions.
How do you conquer fear? Easy; you start by facing that fear. But I've already faced it. I've stared it down, I've attacked it, I've screamed at it, I've slammed the door in its face, I've finally declared war. But it is a strong thing, a stalwart soldier who has won millions of battles with other young women and takes pride every time we watch models strut down the runway and then curl up in a corner staring at a gallon of ice cream. It has gripped me by the throat--quite literally sometimes--and forced itself into me whether I wanted it or not. There are two parts of me. The part that knows it, struggles to fight it, is desparate to kill it. And there's the part that can't help but succumb, because it has become like a disease.
"It's all in the mind." Well, of course it is. It is the most powerful psychological disease in the world. It is one of the biggest killers society has ever known. And I have to come to terms with some very harsh truths.

Like the fact that I am dying.

It's a slow, unintentional suicide. I think I'm getting better. I'm doing well. It's going away. Everything is fine. And then the fear comes back. It laughs and makes me dance with it on the edge of a cliff. It slaps me in the face and yells at me like a drill seargent. I don't know how to fight fear. I've tried everything. It's the fear I have to beat, not the problem it has caused. I have to get to the root of it all. And I don't think I can talk to the one person who it would most affect, because I don't know what he could say. Honestly, I don't think I can really talk to any of my friends because they'd just give me all the answers I've contemplated myself and it won't help at all because it'll just be the same thing over and over. So would a professional. I love all my friends, but I don't know what they'd be able to do. But I also can't fight this on my own.

I don't want to die. I don't know what to do.

I'm so afraid of death, yet I'm pushing myself on a very narrow course right to it.

Paraphrasing a message on someone's outgoing voicemail: "Going down for the last time. Love you all." I am not going to do that. I am not going to be that.

But I'm afraid. I can feel my body slipping away. I can't keep fighting like this. I don't want my friends to build my coffin. What do I do?

Flood

And to top it all off, I'd written that last post during a very severe panic attack where I actually had thought I was dying. Nothing like backing up emotions with sensations. Thank you to the Watson for telling me how to calm down and for setting my head straight and for making me face reality. I can think much more clearly now. I feel like an idiot, but that happens after a panic attack. I still stand by that last entry, though. I truly do not know how to keep from unintentionally killing myself with this fear. He's right--everyone is going to die sooner or later, but I'm talking about right now. I kind of want to do some stuff before I die. And if I die before I'm thirty, I will be rather pissed off. Especially when I brought it on myself. Who wants to do a stupid like like that?

one more note on panic attacks....

It made me feel silly and it made my previous terrified venting pointless, because it was random and sudden and had nothing to do with anything--I had associated the two irrationally. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to quit trying to get help with the anorexia. That part is still there. It will take me a long time to get over the fear that has caused the anorexia. But talking to the Watson always makes me feel like I've been put in the right place. I really do feel better. Fear can be good for some things, but not irrational things. Learn to know fear for what it is, I'd say. Respect it. Understand it. But fearing fear is pointless and illogical. Fear breeds pain and problems and disease. Sometimes it's just all about the fear. And I have to remember that. *beats head against monitor a few times* There we go.