Mysterious child?

You are a child's kiss. Completely sweet and
innocent and pure. You mean no harm and only
love in your sweet kisses.


What kind of kiss are you?
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You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
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That would be me, I guess.
I want this to stop.
This endless shadow wondering
If it will ever really be okay.
I'm just a child.
I know nothing.
I just want love.

Nothing but paper flowers and beautiful torment

(evanescence - imaginary)

i linger in the doorway
of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
let me stay
where the wind will whisper to me
where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me

don't say i'm out of touch
with this rampant chaos - your reality
i know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
the nightmare i built my own world to escape

in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me

swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming
the goddess of imaginary light

Nightmares

Get it out of my head. I don't want to remember. I don't want to be afraid/disturbed like that ever again. I just want peace.
I don't want to have to keep waking up and staring at my body and my veins looking for wounds.
The nightmare was in my veins and in my blood and I felt nothing. I was cold and empty and hollow and there was nothing. Nothingness. Emptiness. I didn't care. It was in my blood and I didn't care.
I am terrified of what that might mean. I am scared of what I might be losing.
I want to be held and whispered to, "Everything will be okay. It wasn't real. It will never be real. It's okay."
I never want it to happen. I don't want that pain. I don't want the fear.
I wish I knew where it was coming from.
Someone help me erase it all.
I'm afraid that next time it will be my shiny bright one.

What they have I can never have. I never had. I don't have it now.
I need it, and I can never touch it. No one can.
All I have is True Love, but what they have is Beyond Love. What they have is Integration.
I hear it in his voice, compassion, fear, and I've never seen it in him and it breaks me and I crack and turn to dust. I want it back. I want to rewind the years and go back to the longing and the fear and the desperation, and now I fear it's just emotional marriage and no longer the binding twining force of two souls as one, as much as my lover reassures me. Braided sapling growing together, sun and moon feeding each other.
But they are the sun. Being near them is like staring at the sun without shades, while standing in the center of the fire, trying to move through static.
I want that.
It makes me shake, makes my bones rattle.
It shows me I am not alive.
I want to scream but I lost my voice.
When will the nightmares stop?

Sleeping somewhere cold

I feel a little better. Had a talk with the shinybright; calmed myself down. Is possible I was feeding off of and reacting to what happened between those two last night -- scary how such a subject could bleed into my dreams miles away. I feel so intertwined with them, because they're so strong and I'm so drawn to the balance of light and dark, chaos and order. It's power and it attracts me as much as I attract powerful things. I can't pull myself away; it drags at my mental feet and wraps its arms around me steel flower thorns and whispers peace and beauty when really it's structured chaos and it spins me and shatters me slowly, bleeding me from a thousand tiny thornpricks. I may be Siren, but I am also Rose and also Fox; I shudder and wilt in freezing rain and I get trapped in steel jaws and must gnaw myself free bleed to death in capture or bleed to death in freedom.
This is what happens when I keep my psychic shields down 24/7. Problem is, if I raise them up all the way, I feel nothing and I hate being closed off. I need to feel. I need to touch the spirit world and say Hi to things no matter what they are. But I want to stop getting burned and cut and stripped in the meantime. I don't know what to do about that. I need help with it. But I know that no one can take those steps but myself and that scares me too. Codependance? I need people? I keep telling myself I don't. I am the world's worst liar.
Going to curl up in a corner of my mind now and try to dream of kittens and chocolate.