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the hollow inside
Aug. 5th, 2003 11:47 amI called into work and I'm lying in bed because of last night. I don't ever want last night to happen again, ever. Not only was there excruciating physical pain, but emotional torment and now I just feel so empty and drifting.
The sciatic nerve is one of the biggest nerves in the body. It runs from the base of the spine down the backs of both legs to the heel. It interacts directly with the hamstrings. Sciatica is when those nerves become inflamed, irritated, pinched, damaged. To give you an idea, it's like someone delicately slicing you open from buttock to heel and inserting a flexible red-hot iron fire poker into the length of your leg--and then following that line with a stabbing knife. It causes severe muscle spasms that you can't control. Not to mention screaming pain.
And I have had this problem since I was seventeen.
It started when I took a tai chi class. I was the youngest student (16) and the teacher didn't pay enough attention to me even though I'd explained about the CP and the overcompensation. I kept doing the form wrong, bending my legs too far. Six months later, the pain started down the back of my right leg, burning and throbbing and stabbing. I was diagnosed with severe sciatica and sent to physical therapy for eight months, which my high school paid for since I could barely attend classes and I was really the only true handicapped student there. During those months, it just kept burning and hurting, waking me up at three in the morning crying hysterically, my mom making me sleep in her bed dosed up with codeine while she massaged me. There were no comfortable positions. Standing. Sitting. Lying down. Walking. It hurt so badly. I'd have to alternate between standing still and walking fast; lying on my back and my side and my stomach, sitting in various positions just to ease the burn.
Finally mom took me to an acupunturist who said I was extremely out of balance. Believe it or not, four sessions later (paid for in barter because his wife was mom's art student and got her paintings in exchange), the sciatica all but disappeared. I continued the physical therapy until it was decided I was done. The sciatica would never go away, but at least it was under firm control.
Thanks to the acupuncture, I have never had to relive that torture. But lately both legs have started acting up, spasming, burning slightly, sharp stabby pains. I massage and stretch and chill out and Adam volunteers to work the nerve at the base of my spine, which helps immensely. He hates seeing me in pain. But last night...oh, god.
It started after I came home from work, dull throbbing. Took a shower, felt good, crawled into bed, watched Adam play PlayStation 2. Then the spasms started. It felt like a massive shockwave up and down my legs, and the burning got worse, making me choke and sob and whimper and curl up. Adam started massaging the nerve, which hurt even worse but I knew it would calm and release the nerve so I let it go on. There was also the emotional factor of me wanting a different kind of release and him too into the game. I tried to tell him that my legs up on his shoulders would stretch the hamstrings and the sex would help with the tension, but naturally he never hears anything when the PlayStation's on. Plus it was 11:30 and I wanted to sleep at some point. So I said, "If you don't go to sleep soon you won't get sex beforehand." No answer. So I poked him a little. He growled "I heard you, fuck off!" So I rolled over and tried to relax my legs--which made them spasm again till the bed shook. By this time I couldn't breathe for the tears and the stuffed up nose. To be in so much pain physically, but worse, to be shot down, ignored, neglected emotionally...
Eventually, the game was turned to regular TV, because of course Adam is an insomniac. He held out his arm and gathered me up and apologized for snapping at me, told me he loved me and kissed me, but still no sex. So after he finally fell asleep I worked on myself till I felt better, then pulled his arm around me and slept.
I woke up with his arm still around me and my legs still burning. I got up, called in to work, and lay back down. Adam, for his part, completely made up for the snapping by curling up with me and holding me close until he had to leave for work. I have to forgive his guy-ness; he does it so rarely. There are just those days when boys will be boys and not even teasing will tear them away from a video game.
As relieved as I feel right now, with the shockwaves finally ebbing, I still feel so drained. I know it was mostly my fault for interrupting his desperate attempt to ease the insomnia, but hey, I was horny. I hadn't expected the pain to come. And I will admit that I do this almost every night; ask him to turn off the TV and go to sleep, so he did have every right to snap at me. I just want him to get more than five hours of sleep a night, that's all. Although why do I get the feeling that once certain people read this Adam will get called up and yelled at?
But that's besides the point. The point is, there was pain. It came suddenly and quickly.
And I will make sure it never does again. I'm going to start looking around for physical therapists, and if need be, acupuncturists. This can't go on.
The sciatic nerve is one of the biggest nerves in the body. It runs from the base of the spine down the backs of both legs to the heel. It interacts directly with the hamstrings. Sciatica is when those nerves become inflamed, irritated, pinched, damaged. To give you an idea, it's like someone delicately slicing you open from buttock to heel and inserting a flexible red-hot iron fire poker into the length of your leg--and then following that line with a stabbing knife. It causes severe muscle spasms that you can't control. Not to mention screaming pain.
And I have had this problem since I was seventeen.
It started when I took a tai chi class. I was the youngest student (16) and the teacher didn't pay enough attention to me even though I'd explained about the CP and the overcompensation. I kept doing the form wrong, bending my legs too far. Six months later, the pain started down the back of my right leg, burning and throbbing and stabbing. I was diagnosed with severe sciatica and sent to physical therapy for eight months, which my high school paid for since I could barely attend classes and I was really the only true handicapped student there. During those months, it just kept burning and hurting, waking me up at three in the morning crying hysterically, my mom making me sleep in her bed dosed up with codeine while she massaged me. There were no comfortable positions. Standing. Sitting. Lying down. Walking. It hurt so badly. I'd have to alternate between standing still and walking fast; lying on my back and my side and my stomach, sitting in various positions just to ease the burn.
Finally mom took me to an acupunturist who said I was extremely out of balance. Believe it or not, four sessions later (paid for in barter because his wife was mom's art student and got her paintings in exchange), the sciatica all but disappeared. I continued the physical therapy until it was decided I was done. The sciatica would never go away, but at least it was under firm control.
Thanks to the acupuncture, I have never had to relive that torture. But lately both legs have started acting up, spasming, burning slightly, sharp stabby pains. I massage and stretch and chill out and Adam volunteers to work the nerve at the base of my spine, which helps immensely. He hates seeing me in pain. But last night...oh, god.
It started after I came home from work, dull throbbing. Took a shower, felt good, crawled into bed, watched Adam play PlayStation 2. Then the spasms started. It felt like a massive shockwave up and down my legs, and the burning got worse, making me choke and sob and whimper and curl up. Adam started massaging the nerve, which hurt even worse but I knew it would calm and release the nerve so I let it go on. There was also the emotional factor of me wanting a different kind of release and him too into the game. I tried to tell him that my legs up on his shoulders would stretch the hamstrings and the sex would help with the tension, but naturally he never hears anything when the PlayStation's on. Plus it was 11:30 and I wanted to sleep at some point. So I said, "If you don't go to sleep soon you won't get sex beforehand." No answer. So I poked him a little. He growled "I heard you, fuck off!" So I rolled over and tried to relax my legs--which made them spasm again till the bed shook. By this time I couldn't breathe for the tears and the stuffed up nose. To be in so much pain physically, but worse, to be shot down, ignored, neglected emotionally...
Eventually, the game was turned to regular TV, because of course Adam is an insomniac. He held out his arm and gathered me up and apologized for snapping at me, told me he loved me and kissed me, but still no sex. So after he finally fell asleep I worked on myself till I felt better, then pulled his arm around me and slept.
I woke up with his arm still around me and my legs still burning. I got up, called in to work, and lay back down. Adam, for his part, completely made up for the snapping by curling up with me and holding me close until he had to leave for work. I have to forgive his guy-ness; he does it so rarely. There are just those days when boys will be boys and not even teasing will tear them away from a video game.
As relieved as I feel right now, with the shockwaves finally ebbing, I still feel so drained. I know it was mostly my fault for interrupting his desperate attempt to ease the insomnia, but hey, I was horny. I hadn't expected the pain to come. And I will admit that I do this almost every night; ask him to turn off the TV and go to sleep, so he did have every right to snap at me. I just want him to get more than five hours of sleep a night, that's all. Although why do I get the feeling that once certain people read this Adam will get called up and yelled at?
But that's besides the point. The point is, there was pain. It came suddenly and quickly.
And I will make sure it never does again. I'm going to start looking around for physical therapists, and if need be, acupuncturists. This can't go on.
