Aww...but I wanted to explode...

"I'm running! I'm running! I'm running! Whee! I'm naked!"

Note to self: Double espresso with vanilla, milk and LOTS of sugar may actually be a good thing if taken two hours after Strattera. Body is wired, brain is calm and focused, body and brain working together with strong desire to finish three bins full of mail that must be routed. I am quite motivated right now. Memo to self: No coffee after noon.

"I'm daaancin' like a monkey!"

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It just hit me. Just now. I was walking...and then I was running. And my feet were straight. No limp. Do you understand? I was RUNNING. Like anyone else would. And then I walked again. One foot in front of the other. Like a runway model. No shakiness. No problems.

Are you listening, world? Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? I'm...how can I put this? I'm just like you now. I can walk just like you. I can pick up a pencil just like you. I can run. I can skip. I can spin and spin and spin and not fall down. I can dance. I CAN DANCE.

You know what, world, I don't care what anyone says about normalcy. I don't care if anyone thought I was normal before. Because compared to this...compared to this...I was not. Ever. Not like you. Not like I am now. World, I don't know if you will EVER truly comprehend what is going through me right now. All the sensations. All the changes. The stark, sweetly powerful realization that I have changed forever. I am not who I used to be. I never will be again. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't think I can handle this all at once. I think I have to take it in small doses, one step a a time. It's hitting me full force and I don't know if I should run screaming through the streets or curl up in a corner and sob. I don't know if I can show you just how it is, world. You can tell me whatever you want, sympathize however you want, go ahead, I'll listen. But you need to be in my head. You need to feel what it's like to be able to feel what I feel. It's like a paraplegic who can suddenly walk overnight. It's like an amputee who has a missing limb back. It's like a birth-blind man who can suddenly see. It has changed everything. Say what you will. I'll take anything you can give me. Say that you do understand. Please. Give me an example. Tell me I am not alone in feeling this. Tell me I'm selfish because you DO know and you DO feel. Tell me "we need to talk" because you have reservations about me and you are worried about me. Tell me you know what I am going through.
But know this, world--inside my own mind, it really is nothing like anything that's happened before. For myself, alone, this is THE greatest victory I could ever hope for. And it wasn't the result of anything external. No chemical influence or therapy or anything could compete with my own sheer will and realization that I have set myself free. Do you understand? Myself. Me. Alone. I did this to myself. Yes, I had help from friends, but it was really all me.

This is me. This is Joanna Capello. This is who I am, world. So show me who you are to me. And make me proud to be a part of you forever.

Body wake...body sleep!

Well, now that that's out of my system...

I'm gonna try and refrain from sounding like I'm ultimately challenging the world. I just felt so good about myself I couldn't help it. I know, I know, think first, speak later. I do know that deep down, I haven't changed as a person. The person I am just became a little more aware of herself. Even now, as I type, I can feel the fingers of my left hand breathe and loosen in a way that still fascinates me after two years. I am set with the knowledge that I will continue to feel like this every minute of every day for the rest of my life. That's all I wanted. I never asked for anything else. I didn't ask to be normal in the sense of Normal. I know I never will be "just like everybody else" because we're all unique and individual and nobody should ever insist that they're normal and sane and conforming. It's not that I'm just like everybody else now. I'm just more like the me that was supposed to be. The me who would have been had I not been psychologically troubled with the fact that my body worked a little differently than other people's. This is the actual, true Joanna coming through. And I feel a little silly realizing that all my friends could see that part all along, regardless of surface scars. Nobody is surprised. Nobody should be surprised at all. They were shocked enough the first time I showed the true me. The dancing me. Remember watching me dance, guys? That was a good night.

Just be happy and at peace knowing that I finally really do see what you all saw from the beginning. And know that I love you all so much for seeing me through the whole thing.

Why? Because I can...

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin'.
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)