Phones, trains, hell, etc

Lost Adam's cell phone this morning. Probably buried under stuff in the bedroom. So no, if anyone calls, he won't answer.

Metro sucks. People on Metro suck. People who get themselves trapped between Metro doors for five minutes straight suck.

I love you all, and I am fine, but there is a very dark, hurting cloud in my skull right now. I would like someone to kiss and make it better, but that will have to wait till later.

I will be more optimistic soon, promise. Adam, I love you and I promise I'll stop hating and hurting myself. I hate the world more than myself right now. Stupid world.

A few good things, a few surprising things, a few irritating things

The phone is safe. It's at Billy and Charlotte's. He must have left it there last night. Billy left a message on my phone, so I called Adam's office number and left a message with the receptionist: "His phone is at Billy's house." What he does with that information is up to him, but I have a feeling I may be meeting him back over there tonight.
I've calmed myself down somewhat. My eyes are still burning and my chest feels cold and hollow, but my mind is clear. I gave myself a very bad panic attack, enough to steal my breath and stutter my voice and crash into my lungs with an iron hammer. Adam held me and stroked my back and told me it was okay and he loved me. I was beating myself up, hurting myself, because I had made a wrong assumption and I would always sooner hurt myself than hurt him. I never get angry at him. I get angry because of him, and I take it out on myself. I thought I was justified by something, but all I was doing was making things worse. When he held me during the attack was when I began hitting him and yelling at him to hurt me, it was the only way I'd learn, I needed to be taught a lesson, I had to be hurt. He said he would never want to hurt me. That's what made me scream inside and tear at myself till my insides bled. Pain sometimes makes you know you still feel.
The fact that we all would much rather hurt ourselves than our lovers proves that love is a deadly beautiful forever twisting circle. We all hurt to keep another whole, and in the end we wind up ripping ourselves apart.
Thank gods it's Friday. I'm already worn away as it is. We kissed, deeply, shared breath, apologized, and he dropped me off at the Metro.
Then the Metro kept stalling for no good reason, and people kept trying to rush the doors, making me later than I already was. I walked through the elevator doors and one of the mail clerks who said hello literally backed up a few steps at the look on my face. He said I looked like I was mad at the world.

This hunger: It is so consuming. I can't get rid of it. I eat and eat and I still feel empty, like a great mouth is hiding in my stomach. It feels like a stranger who used to be a friend, but I feel no sense of welcome relief, only worried confusion. Why such hunger? Is the anorexia dead? I still hold the mentality. Have the neural shifts and psychic changes done something more? I feel my belly and throat crammed full and yet I crave more and more--and not just physically, not just food. Love, comfort, sex. Hunger. So much hunger. How can I make it stop? Do I want it to stop?

My hand and foot tap and tap on their own. I can turn my left foot out like a ballerina. I can wiggle my fingers and toes--wiggle--and you'd think these things should be taken for granted. I can't ever take my body for granted. All these wonderous things happening to me are things most people already know and let happen. I'm fascinated by the little things now. Am I a child again? Is that why I feel so free? I wish I could fly.

Ohhhhhh!

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00005UF84/qid=1065230502/sr=8-5/ref=sr_8_5/103-8526549-9680659?v=glance&s=dvd&n=507846

They have it! On DVD! I don't believe it--I have been searching for YEARS. Plus, I found the book for fifty cents on Amazon, too. Heh heh.

It brings back so many memories. I only thought about it when I wandered into the livejournal of someone who had made a comment on a friend's page, and the most recent entry there was one of the best "Watership Down" quotes in the book--the one where Lord Frith blesses Elil-hrair-rah. *sniffle* That's one of my favorite books of all time. I left all my copies at my parents' when I moved to Maryland. Two paperbacks, and my parents had bought me a limited edition hardcover for Christmas a few years ago. I miss the rabbits! Gods, I am SO thrilled to see them on DVD! Sag Harbor video stores are crap -- they don't have Watership Down, they don't have The Last Unicorn, or The NeverEnding Story .... or any episodes of My Little Pony, She-ra, or Rainbow Brite. (In high school, my friend Cindy and I went on a hunt for taped episodes of favorite 80's cartoons. Sigh.)
I'm gonna have my rabbits back! Yay for me!
Now, if I could just get around to making myself read the rest of Lord of the Rings...