I feel better

I have made a decision. I think that maybe twice a month or so, I will find someplace quiet and undisturbed, and scream and beat out all my frustrations. I had forgotten how good it feels to do that. I had forgotten how refreshing and cleansing it feels to purge all the emotional toxins instead of letting it all build up and fester until it starts leaking out in displays of tears, anxiety, panic. Letting it all out at once seems to save much pain later on. Although, this morning in the bedroom was not the best place, I admit. It did unnerve Adam a teeny bit to see me throw myself on the floor, hurl a toolbox against the wall, and start wailing. I hadn't unleashed my fury in a long time. I basically lost control of the gate and it crashed open and everything roared out before I could reign it back it. Well, better safe at home than in public. But it did prove that I really am my father's child. We Sicilians are famous for holding it all in and then letting it all out in a fiery burst that can end with either broken furniture or broken humans. And my mother--the Russian-Romanian--with her tendency to just let loose automatically, comes out in me at the same time, doubling the effect and essentially turning me into a feral, primal little thing for a few whirlwind minutes. My friends have rarely had the, er, pleasure of seeing this. I haven't done it in a long time. I chalk it up mainly to the fact that my period is making me bleed like a Freddy Krueger victim and wreaking havoc on my hormones. Most other moments like this are not this passionately destructive.
A couple of people have wondered if I'm okay, insisting that I am not. Let me set the record straight--when I say I am fine. I mean that. Just because I act strange does not mean I need to be carted off to a hospital or psychiatrist's office. If that were the case, we ALL would be institutionalized, let's face it. I choose to hang out with a group of people who make "weird" look perfectly sane and normal. I am half Sicilian and half Russian-Romanian-Hungarian. I am introverted, prone to panic attacks, and prefer to internalized my anger. Honestly, can you blame me for needing to express my personal frustrations from time to time?
I do expect several comments along the lines of, "No, you are really not fine, and we need to have a talk, because we're very worried about you." I expect some anger to be vented toward me, I expect to be called naive, maybe stupid, certainly unaware, and I expect to be told that I really don't understand at all. I even expect people to walk away and let me do my own thing and decide not to watch. I've heard it all before, time and time again. And yes, because I just said that sentence, someone will undoubtedly suggest that I take a good look at myself and wonder if I shouldn't drastically alter my life choices because I seem to just be stumbling down the same road. But this is my place to express my feelings and vent myself, and yes, I did choose to make it public so people could read. That's fine. You know what? My whole life, I never got a chance to live. I never had a chance to do any of this. Do you know how it feels to be so free and happy with my life?
Everyone will live their days the way they feel is necessary, gladly accepting the occasional helping hand. If people think they need to sit me down in a happy circle, by all means go ahead. I'll listen, absorb, follow the rules, and go on my way, incorporating any suggestions into my routine. I'm very quick to agree and conform with certain opinions, just as I am likely to be completely independant of others.
But all I really wanted was a chance to scream and shout and beat at something till I felt better. That's all.
Nothing more.

Hmm.

I just remembered. The last time I spoke out like that previous entry, I failed a class and lost a friend. Maybe I should apologize and take it back? I probably will lose friends over this.
No, but I will admit that I may have sounded a tad harsh. Yes, I need to reevaluate my life. Yes, I probably should see a professional. Give me the chance to do it when I feel the time is right. Adam, Beca, James, Beth, Danny, et al, please know that I love you very much and I am grateful for your words and your company. Try not to push me away just because I need to vent a little.

Superficial pleasantries

-My bio-ionic hairbrush. It makes my hair smooth. If I have too much gel or something, it actually cleans it up somewhat, better than rinseless shampoo. Negatively charged ions, huh? Fascinating.
-The controversy over vitamins in liquid and pill form. Also, the theories behind orthomolecular medicine: "the practice of preventing and treating disease by providing the body with optimal amounts of substances which are natural to the body. The term 'orthomolecular' was first used by Linus Pauling in a paper he wrote in the journal Science in 1968. This paper first described the theoretical foundations for what was later to become a specialty within complementary medicine."
-The battle between synthetic and organic cosmetics. Believe it or not, it's all natural. The process and application is what makes the difference. Mineral oil and petrolatum are ugly things, sure, but they're great for cleansing the skin. Silicone based lubricants are better. And let's face it, shea butter should rule the cosmetic world.
I really should have been a nutritionist or cosmetologist.

More deep self insight

( A minor amendment and minor apology )

Things to make me smile

Kittens. Sunny days. Adam. Being with all my closest friends together. New clothes. Compliments. Hugs. Cuddles. Kisses. Laughter. The word "beautiful" and the words "I love you". Love itself.

Now...what makes you smile? :)

Hey, Em, stole yer survey thingy...thanks... *G*
( Because I can )

Reality Dreaming

I wake up every morning and live in a world
Where two faces on every head turn to the sky
One eye green and one eye blue, third eye gray
Like a sea before a storm, like words and poetry
Rattling inside my whiteboneskull, tiny wings
Fluttering butterflies.

In bed I turn to my lover and kiss his face
Soft thinskinned eyelids cupid bow mouth
I touch his face that is like the moon
Luminescent white gold my entire world
When his eyes open they are sapphire seas
His smile is the sun.

I live in a world where love is real
The shapes of love twisting writhing
Those who love us sometimes looking away
So after we come back home there will be
Open arms, mocha coffee and laugh tracks
When I fly, we fly together.