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And yet, I really am happy
Jul. 11th, 2009 01:31 pmYesterday, as I walked to the metro after work, a woman walking at the same pace looked at me, smiled, and said, "Hey, sweetie, cheer up. It can't be that bad." I had not realized how I must have looked. I smiled broadly at her, and she grinned back and said, "There! You have a beautiful smile. Don't let it fade." I thanked her, and we went our separate ways.
I've barely smiled in the last couple of weeks.
I feel as though I can do nothing to really please my supervisor at work. I enjoy the library work itself. I just do not think I want to work for lawyers anymore. I want to work for the National Institutes Of Health, or the National Library of Medicine, or the Food And Drug Administration, or a hospital, or a clinic, or a magazine or a newspaper or a journal, something that actually utilizes my skills as a writer.
I look at my resume and believe that I may never get beyond law library or administrative work, because I have had no jobs in my actual field of writing and editing.
Every tarot reading that I have done for myself tells me that I will be fine as long as I go after what I want and believe completely in myself and let go of my fears as much as possible.
I have no idea how to let go of my fears. I have no idea how to believe completely in myself.
My memory is not at all what it used to be.
I write the rest of my novel out of sequence, making it darker and more awful and hurting my characters, and I write short stories that I feel are no good, and I have nightmares about everything burning, everything exploding, and nothing matters, even though everything matters.
Adam rented the film Knowing and when I came home, he asked me to watch it with him, so
I could hold him during the disaster scenes, because the plane crash reflected his nightmares, and then I discovered that the train crash reflected my nightmares, and when each crash happened, I cried out and grabbed my husband's hands and shuddered. I ignored the terrible acting of Nicholas Cage and the bizarreness of the main plot.
To quell my anxiety attacks, I find myself turning to exotic aromatherapeutics more and more, specifically Vicki's concoctions: The blend of lotus, jasmine, chamomile, lavender, cedarwood, and helichrysum in the Sun Protective Lotion; the blend of rose, neroli, chamomile, and orchid in the Psyche Lotion; the blend of lotus, frankincense, rose, neroli, and chamomile in the customized Syngery Harmony Elixir spray made specially for me.
I am tired. I am so very tired.
I've barely smiled in the last couple of weeks.
I feel as though I can do nothing to really please my supervisor at work. I enjoy the library work itself. I just do not think I want to work for lawyers anymore. I want to work for the National Institutes Of Health, or the National Library of Medicine, or the Food And Drug Administration, or a hospital, or a clinic, or a magazine or a newspaper or a journal, something that actually utilizes my skills as a writer.
I look at my resume and believe that I may never get beyond law library or administrative work, because I have had no jobs in my actual field of writing and editing.
Every tarot reading that I have done for myself tells me that I will be fine as long as I go after what I want and believe completely in myself and let go of my fears as much as possible.
I have no idea how to let go of my fears. I have no idea how to believe completely in myself.
My memory is not at all what it used to be.
I write the rest of my novel out of sequence, making it darker and more awful and hurting my characters, and I write short stories that I feel are no good, and I have nightmares about everything burning, everything exploding, and nothing matters, even though everything matters.
Adam rented the film Knowing and when I came home, he asked me to watch it with him, so
I could hold him during the disaster scenes, because the plane crash reflected his nightmares, and then I discovered that the train crash reflected my nightmares, and when each crash happened, I cried out and grabbed my husband's hands and shuddered. I ignored the terrible acting of Nicholas Cage and the bizarreness of the main plot.
To quell my anxiety attacks, I find myself turning to exotic aromatherapeutics more and more, specifically Vicki's concoctions: The blend of lotus, jasmine, chamomile, lavender, cedarwood, and helichrysum in the Sun Protective Lotion; the blend of rose, neroli, chamomile, and orchid in the Psyche Lotion; the blend of lotus, frankincense, rose, neroli, and chamomile in the customized Syngery Harmony Elixir spray made specially for me.
I am tired. I am so very tired.
