Feb. 13th, 2010

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I've been struggling to shove my anxieties and fears far back, so I can look at them rationally and logically later.

One of them, though... Oh gods, this, this. I don't think I will ever be fully recovered. This is ONTD, but in this case, I am happy to see sarcasm and sympathy in the comments. Oh, how dare she weigh more than a hundred pounds, Karl Lagerfield must thing she's a monster. Oh, dear. She looks beautiful with weight on. I'm thrilled to see such a powerful defense for fashion models who gain some weight. But still. People really do believe women like Gemma Ward are getting fat. *buries head in hands*
Going to be raw and frank here: My slacks -- khakis, trousers -- are a size 4. Most of my jeans are a size 6, because for some reason, most jeans designers are weird. There is always that damned waist gap, because I have lordosis and the Capello hourglass body. But some days my loudest thought is, "You used to be a size two. You are four feet eleven inches. Get back to it. What's wrong with you?"
My muscles are fairly toned and trained, but I can't do a pull-up. I am trying to work out beyond yoga and Pilates. But that voice. It competes with pain. I wish, shit, I don't know. People need better.

The roads out there are far better. People can get places. Relief.

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