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Going Nowhere Happily
Jul. 23rd, 2010 12:59 pmLast night was fantastic. Brilliant. Fascinating. Amazing. Lovely.
James and Beca came over with their friend Adam M. - former Marine, PTSD, traumatically violent childhood, major car accident, traumatic brain injury, broken neck, shattered collarbone, miraculous recovery, paralyzed left arm. Started teaching me proper Pain Meditation. Be Like Water, let the pain cascade, don't fight it, don't block it, don't think about it, don't rationalize it, don't intellectualize it, just breathe and let go and cascade. I will see him again soon. He is Good People.
Going to say something. It is not fishing for praise at all, because I can't even do that properly. We were all sitting around talking. I began talking about my history with anorexia, said that I started recovering when I was twenty-six. Adam M. blinked and said he thought I was maybe twenty-three. I told him I was thirty-one. "She takes really really really good care of her skin," said Beca. Adam M. told my husband Adam that he was about to say something possibly inappropriate, but that I was "highly, extremely fuckable" and that every time I stood up and walked by he stared. And all I could say was thank you, and smile, and blush, and... I still don't process it properly, you know? It's like it doesn't go into the proper sections. Beca was telling me how important I was and how incredible I was, Adam M. told me my hair was gorgeous, and I listened and took it all to heart, and it felt like it wasn't happening to me. Because every day I look at myself and see myself covered in my flaws, and they are invisible and nobody cares and nobody pays attention and they just see me and only me, but I cannot get out of myself like that and I really need to.
There was conversation about being in the physical and being in the mental and being in the spiritual and how most people have those three things separated too often and don't even realize. Religions and belief systems spend thousands of years trying to understand it. Some people rely too much on outside spiritual forces like gods to validate them when they really should rely on what's inside them. People are fascinating. People are completely spiritually blended with physical and mental. A big ball of wibbly wobbly spirity stuff. We don't see that because we're too busy waiting for gods to tell us how good we are so we can be with them when we die. Gods are busy doing god stuff. We have to do people stuff. The gods will get to us when they can. And it won't be what we expect, but it will be what we need.
I am trying to write this all down before I forget. My brain is exhausted and things hurt.
I have no point. Or maybe a point is that we can't always see ourselves completely without people who love us, and once we know we are loved, then we can see ourselves more completely. Maybe we lose ourselves or forget ourselves without someone outside to remind us. Or that we need to connect to ourselves more often. Maybe we need to remember that underneath that blanket of scars and flaws we are beautiful creatures.
James and Beca came over with their friend Adam M. - former Marine, PTSD, traumatically violent childhood, major car accident, traumatic brain injury, broken neck, shattered collarbone, miraculous recovery, paralyzed left arm. Started teaching me proper Pain Meditation. Be Like Water, let the pain cascade, don't fight it, don't block it, don't think about it, don't rationalize it, don't intellectualize it, just breathe and let go and cascade. I will see him again soon. He is Good People.
Going to say something. It is not fishing for praise at all, because I can't even do that properly. We were all sitting around talking. I began talking about my history with anorexia, said that I started recovering when I was twenty-six. Adam M. blinked and said he thought I was maybe twenty-three. I told him I was thirty-one. "She takes really really really good care of her skin," said Beca. Adam M. told my husband Adam that he was about to say something possibly inappropriate, but that I was "highly, extremely fuckable" and that every time I stood up and walked by he stared. And all I could say was thank you, and smile, and blush, and... I still don't process it properly, you know? It's like it doesn't go into the proper sections. Beca was telling me how important I was and how incredible I was, Adam M. told me my hair was gorgeous, and I listened and took it all to heart, and it felt like it wasn't happening to me. Because every day I look at myself and see myself covered in my flaws, and they are invisible and nobody cares and nobody pays attention and they just see me and only me, but I cannot get out of myself like that and I really need to.
There was conversation about being in the physical and being in the mental and being in the spiritual and how most people have those three things separated too often and don't even realize. Religions and belief systems spend thousands of years trying to understand it. Some people rely too much on outside spiritual forces like gods to validate them when they really should rely on what's inside them. People are fascinating. People are completely spiritually blended with physical and mental. A big ball of wibbly wobbly spirity stuff. We don't see that because we're too busy waiting for gods to tell us how good we are so we can be with them when we die. Gods are busy doing god stuff. We have to do people stuff. The gods will get to us when they can. And it won't be what we expect, but it will be what we need.
I am trying to write this all down before I forget. My brain is exhausted and things hurt.
I have no point. Or maybe a point is that we can't always see ourselves completely without people who love us, and once we know we are loved, then we can see ourselves more completely. Maybe we lose ourselves or forget ourselves without someone outside to remind us. Or that we need to connect to ourselves more often. Maybe we need to remember that underneath that blanket of scars and flaws we are beautiful creatures.
