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Magic, do as you will
Sep. 21st, 2010 07:04 pmA recurring dream, an endless dream, sometimes a nightmare and sometimes beautiful and sometimes both. In my dreams I am a witch, a sorceress, a magic user, a fae or elf creature, a creature who moves among realities.
In the film version of "The Last Unicorn," the wizard Schmendrick says repeatedly, "Magic, do as you will." He breathes those words and he lets go and he lets what happens happen.
In my dreams, my magic is connected to my breath and my willingness to let go. If I exhale and release as much as I can, the magic flows from me, and sometimes it takes the shape I want, and sometimes it takes the shape I need.
I have been having these dreams every night for weeks. I can never control anything, but I can shift and steer and move the magic a little, enough to produce a good outcome. If something threatening me or hurting me or chasing me, I can fight it, elude it, and escape it, or hurt it back. If I want to make something happen, I can raise my arms, breathe, gesture, and speak. But usually my eyes are closed when I exhale and release my powers. I don't know what will happen, I can only whisper my desperate intent and hope the magic listens. Magic is its own creature. It will pay attention and it will listen, but it might still do something completely unexpected. Like a cat, really.
That sort of magic can't exist in this reality, and sometimes it makes me sad, but I understand why. All I have is myself, my willpower, my intentions, my hope, my mind, my spirit, and the crazy bundle of flesh and and fluid and electricity that is my brain and body. The choices I make are weighed by my entire being, all of that put together. I do things, I don't do things. I feel things. I think things. I know nothing. I only think I know things. That's the most amusing, entertaining things about us humans: We really believe that we know things. Oh, it is amazing.
But. Well. This is about the dreams, and the magic, and the inability to directly control my place in the universe. Magic, do as you will. Life, fate, universe, everything, do as you will. But I still have something to say. So also shut up, sit down, and listen to me.
My head feels very, very strange and sad. I wonder if I did have a seizure of some kind at some point last night or the day before. I don't remember. But things are fragmented, and my body feels distorted, and my mind feels fractured, and my spirit feels disoriented, and my brain feels disconnected ever so slightly. Part of me keeps insisting that no matter who I talk to, no one will understand what I am trying to say and will only be confused and irritated, and it is best to sort it out myself first, so the words are right.
Physically I feel ripped apart from the inside out, because of chronic pain and chronic illness and because various body parts are screaming "fuck you" at each other. Mentally I feel beaten and stupefied. Emotionally I feel slightly numb and puzzled. Spiritually I feel like a shade of myself. This is temporary and possibly due to shit that has been happening in my body and brain, because electricity and spirit and flesh is all connected and weird.
I can change the world, if the world is myself.
In the film version of "The Last Unicorn," the wizard Schmendrick says repeatedly, "Magic, do as you will." He breathes those words and he lets go and he lets what happens happen.
In my dreams, my magic is connected to my breath and my willingness to let go. If I exhale and release as much as I can, the magic flows from me, and sometimes it takes the shape I want, and sometimes it takes the shape I need.
I have been having these dreams every night for weeks. I can never control anything, but I can shift and steer and move the magic a little, enough to produce a good outcome. If something threatening me or hurting me or chasing me, I can fight it, elude it, and escape it, or hurt it back. If I want to make something happen, I can raise my arms, breathe, gesture, and speak. But usually my eyes are closed when I exhale and release my powers. I don't know what will happen, I can only whisper my desperate intent and hope the magic listens. Magic is its own creature. It will pay attention and it will listen, but it might still do something completely unexpected. Like a cat, really.
That sort of magic can't exist in this reality, and sometimes it makes me sad, but I understand why. All I have is myself, my willpower, my intentions, my hope, my mind, my spirit, and the crazy bundle of flesh and and fluid and electricity that is my brain and body. The choices I make are weighed by my entire being, all of that put together. I do things, I don't do things. I feel things. I think things. I know nothing. I only think I know things. That's the most amusing, entertaining things about us humans: We really believe that we know things. Oh, it is amazing.
But. Well. This is about the dreams, and the magic, and the inability to directly control my place in the universe. Magic, do as you will. Life, fate, universe, everything, do as you will. But I still have something to say. So also shut up, sit down, and listen to me.
My head feels very, very strange and sad. I wonder if I did have a seizure of some kind at some point last night or the day before. I don't remember. But things are fragmented, and my body feels distorted, and my mind feels fractured, and my spirit feels disoriented, and my brain feels disconnected ever so slightly. Part of me keeps insisting that no matter who I talk to, no one will understand what I am trying to say and will only be confused and irritated, and it is best to sort it out myself first, so the words are right.
Physically I feel ripped apart from the inside out, because of chronic pain and chronic illness and because various body parts are screaming "fuck you" at each other. Mentally I feel beaten and stupefied. Emotionally I feel slightly numb and puzzled. Spiritually I feel like a shade of myself. This is temporary and possibly due to shit that has been happening in my body and brain, because electricity and spirit and flesh is all connected and weird.
I can change the world, if the world is myself.
