Trying to warm up

I slept like the dead last night. I don't remember when my body declared it was time to fall over. Somewhere around half past midnight. I don't even remember going to bed.
I woke up at ten-thirty, lay in bed for half an hour listening to Adam move around the house. The cats were laying all around me. It made it hard to want to get up. Adam had made bacon omelets. I made coffee. Rose followed me everywhere, mewing in a worried, plaintive way that made it seem like she thought I might leave again. All week, Beca and James had come by to take care of them, and Rose missed us so much she curled up in Beca's lap and had a sad. Oh, my babies.

The post-ictal effects are in full swing. I feel mildly undead. My appetite is tiny, the world feels small and closed in, my head feels too vast. I stretched and exercised just enough to feel things. I don't feel alive enough yet.

This will pass.

Placeholder Post: Body and Weight

Having severe body issues currently. Not going to discuss. This is a sort of placeholder post to remind myself to figure out where my brain is going with this.

(My mother and I finally had A Talk that I kept putting off for four years. She will now stop making comments about my weight that sound like excuses for concern just because my paternal grandmother had adult diabetes. My blood sugar is fine and I keep tabs on my health. Not overweight, not overfat, not in poor health, and Mom is the only person who sees my weight as negative, other than myself. She eats such small portions. She's so thin that I can easily feel her ribs when I hug her, and I worry my bear hugs might hurt her. She sees herself as perfectly healthy. All I know is that she needs to stop seeing me as the ninety pound girl who only seemed fine. There are only so many times I can assure her that my sweet tooth has faded and that I don't overeat and that yes, I do need to exercise more and tone up more but I can do that on my own. I only see her once a year. She does have a right to express concern when she sees that I've gained weight, but there are better ways to say it.)

Have you ever wondered why you feel so personally alone when you know that everyone else is going through the same sort of thing?

Weird Brainness Continues

Rose has not left my side all day. She's curled up on the end of my couch, with her back to me, because she's so confident that Mommy is not going anywhere. I think she'll be very upset when Mommy and Daddy both leave again on Thursday for the weekend. She's used to Adam being away for days at a time, but she's not used to me being away. I will make sure to give her treats whenever she asks.

My post-ictal brain has ventured into that wide chasm of eating disorder ruminations. When I am in a state like this, my brain image becomes skewed. I am far more likely to have no appetite and to see my body as awful and wrong. My brain should be back on track within a couple of days.
I recognized that I hadn't eaten lunch, and I happily ate most of that extra bagel from the Sag Harbor Bagel Buoy shop. On the way out of Sag Harbor yesterday morning, Charlotte and I had accidentally ordered an extra bagel with lox and cream cheese and didn't realize until later. This turned out to be fortuitous: Ready made lunch for the next day!

Philadelphia Foodening

So, when we got to Philadelphia on the way home, the first stop was to Steve Stein's Famous Deli on Krewstown Road. Adam gets his magnificent Romanian pastrami and fresh seeded rye bread there. Two pounds of pastrami and a whole loaf of rye was gotten. And then I saw the cheesecakes. There were small cheesecakes with fruit toppings, and they looked like large cheesecupcakes. I picked the cherry cake.
We went home. We had those amazing pastrami sandwiches last night, and then today we remembered the cheesecake, because I am watching Food Network's "Food Feuds" with the Philly cheesesteak and New York cheesecake episode (in the cheesesteak part, Pat's was the winner).
Adam unwrapped the cheesecake, and screw the fork, I just took a bite.
And then I died and went to Food Afterlife.
Because holy shit oh my gods, Philadelphia cheesecake is unbelievable. It's sweet and creamy and rich and dense and thick and creamy and also creamy, and the graham cracker crust is soft and sweet, and the cherries tasted fresh and tart, and I don't care what anyone says, I love this the best. I've had friends brag about the cheesecakes made by their brothers or sisters or grandmothers or uncles, and yes, those were delicious. But this one? I'm sold. I'm gone. Best cheesecake ever. And I was born and bred in New York City, so this stuns me.
Also, the next time we get a chance, I'm going to Pat's. It's the original Philly cheesesteak after all, and the food wars are fierce.
My husband spoils me with fantastic food.