Never Painless

I dreamed about Pamela last night for the first time since my teens. She knew me when I was born, she had been best friends with my parents. Mom says that when I was born, Pam got a little jealous because my parents spent more time with me. She was not mentally sound or stable. She loved us. She loved me. As I grew up, she loved me so so much. She clung to me and my parents. She took her life, alone and deliberate, when she knew she was surrounded by friends and loved ones, but the depression and loneliness and the drugs had a stronger pull. I wish I hadn't blamed myself. I wish she hadn't told me how she was alive because of her love for me. It didn't matter in the end. I was only a child. I had no idea how bad the inside of her head was. My parents shielded me. Pam gave me gifts and love, and then she was gone, and for a long time I thought it was partly my fault. Because she loved me. I wasn't enough. Nobody was enough. Nothing was enough. She killed herself because nothing was enough.
Fuck you, Pam. I loved you. I hate you. I love you.

Misha is dead. Misha killed herself. I can't talk about Misha right now, I don't even know what to say. She was always shining, she was always laughing, she always pulling people into her orbit and dancing. Her laughter was huge. Her smile was brilliant. She was joyous and bright and strong and lively and giving and selfless. Why the fuck? Why why why why? Why?

Last week, I learned that a member of a fibromyalgia forum I used to frequent had taken her own life. She had no support network, no doctors who believed in her, only pain and depression. I still don't understand why.

There are many reasons why people commit suicide. I cannot wrap my head around any of them. I just feel numb and confused and upset and angry. I want to know why. I want to understand what happens when a person makes such a decision. I need to understand because I just don't know.

I can't cry. Not yet. I still feel like it's a horrible dream. What if I never cry? What if I stay confused and angry?

Why the fuck does this happen?

From "Hamlet" to "Babylon 5"

"What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so."

"The Universe speaks in many languages, but only one voice.
The language is not Narn or Human or Centauri or Gaim or Minbari.
It speaks in the language of hope. It speaks in the language of trust.
It speaks in the language of strength, and the language of compassion.
It is the language of the heart and the language of the soul.
But always it is the same voice.
It is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us.
And the voice of our inheritors waiting to be born.
It is the small, still voice that says we are One.
No matter the blood, no matter the skin,
No matter the world, no matter the star,
We are One.
No matter the pain, no matter the darkness,
No matter the loss, no matter the fear.
We are One.
Here, gathered together in common cause
We agree to recognize this singular truth and this singular rule:
That we must be kind to one another.
Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us,
And each voice lost diminishes us.
We are the voice of the universe, the soul of creation,
The fire that will light the way to a better future.
We are One."