Silence

Osama bin Laden has been killed, they say. Let us cheer, they say. I say: Are we happy now? Are we relieved? Are we worried? Are we afraid? What does this mean? What does this say?

I will not celebrate anything. I will not mourn anything. I will not discuss politics or war or duty or life or death. I will just feel empty and strange.

People are shouting and howling and cheering and I sit blankly because I feel nothing, just hollow. Sad relief, I guess. I don't know. I don't feel happy. I may feel other things later. The man was evil in my eyes. His crimes were horrifying and atrocious and unthinkable. People insist that his death is cause for joy. But I don't feel joy. Joy for death is not ever something I want to feel. Why should I feel anything right now? Why must people tell me how to feel? I don't tell them how to feel.

Author Ursula Vernon says things well:
http://www.redwombatstudio.com/blog/?p=4576

I miss New York. I miss my birthplace. I miss the city of my childhood.
That is all.

Body and Mind things

Note to self: Doctor appointment this Friday. Purpose: To discuss what the SSDI psychologist said. Goal: To give the doctor good notes and discuss anxiety and chronic fatigue, and possibly Klonopin.
I've held onto enough memory and information from the psychologist visit to be able to recall almost everything that happened except for most of the details, like the details of each test. The psychologist wanted me to ask my doctor about depression, anxiety, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I'm already taking a drug that is technically an antidepressant and anti-fatigue pill, so I can start by asking the doctor about her thoughts on giving me a prescription for Klonopin. I feel it might be safer for me than Xanax or Valium, and I'm willing to give a pharmaceutical anti-anxiety drug a chance. I don't think I can handle this constant anxiety on my own anymore.

Today, I walked to the Giant and back, satisfying my specific sugar and fat craving with two glazed doughnuts, one chocolate cake doughnut, a slice of plain cheesecake, two butter croissants, and superfruit superblend juice. I am definitely PMSing, because I rarely crave this kind of sugar and fat unless I'm pre-menstrual. I ate half of the chocolate doughnut and was satisfied.

In other news, yay and yay and yay:
http://islandtrend.com/dry-skin-butter-with-tamanu-oil-4oz-bottle/
http://www.goodlivingproducts.com/Skin-amp-Beauty-Products/Skin-Care/Fruitrients-Exotic-Hand-Body-Lotion-5-oz-p127.html
http://www.sweetsistersbodycare.com/skincare/OilCleansingMethod.html

Still breathing, hey.

Anxiety + panic attack + migraine + simple partial seizure = screaming. Followed by a nice dose of Fuck This I'm Cuddling With The Cats.

I thought about canceling Friday's doctor appointment, until I realized that I need it; I'll face the bill later. I need to talk to her about the psychologist, about my anxiety, about my health. I'm not better. I cry in my sleep. I wince in my sleep. I hurt all the time at a higher level than usual. I know I bring some of it on myself by worrying, but that can be worked with.

I will say that the Savella is subtly working in a helpful way, after two months. I have a nice energy boost, a gentle lifting of the fatigue and fog. For a few hours, at least, I feel well enough to notice that I feel happy and content and relaxed.

I've been applying stress relief balms containing helichrysum oil for weeks now. Obviously I need to discuss things with the doctor.