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Release and Retreat
Feb. 17th, 2012 05:15 pmAnd there goes the daily anxiety attack with the sobbing and the rambling and hopelessness and pointlessness and the fear and the worry and the desperation. Deep breaths, Klonopin, a phone call to the disability lawyer, a phone call to a senator's office. I am still in limbo, but moving up a bit. Now to confront that growing limbo within myself. I am grasping my Guanyin statue so tightly.
I have been using myself as a portrait model so much because I am searching for subtle, spiritual changes in my eyes, my mouth, the way my muscles shift around my bone structure. Each photo is a memory of a single moment bathed in light. I push my inner self out as much as possible; I try to show who I Am and Should Be and Will Be. Sometimes I am serenely beautiful. Sometimes I am cracked everywhere, splintered and scarred and melting into nothing. Sometimes I am full of sorrow when I don't realize.
My current firstworld problem, the one that hurts my soul the most, is wanting what I already have so much that I keep acquiring copies of what I already have, as though everything will disappear. As thought I might disappear.
From the time I was born, I have been tied directly to death and the cycle of creation and destruction. I fear the ultimate loss of everything I love even the smallest things. I do not fear the loss of myself, because some part of me always comes back. I can always find parts of me. I fear that I cannot find the Lost Things the way they used to be.
The most important thing now is to contemplate, meditate, understand, accept, and agree. Obsessions and compulsions are vicious and will never release me until I force them to. I am stronger. I was born to be who I am and will be. That is my goal.
Still, it never hurts to calm the panic with drugs, exercises, and good old fashioned talking.
( portrait model photos )
I have been using myself as a portrait model so much because I am searching for subtle, spiritual changes in my eyes, my mouth, the way my muscles shift around my bone structure. Each photo is a memory of a single moment bathed in light. I push my inner self out as much as possible; I try to show who I Am and Should Be and Will Be. Sometimes I am serenely beautiful. Sometimes I am cracked everywhere, splintered and scarred and melting into nothing. Sometimes I am full of sorrow when I don't realize.
My current firstworld problem, the one that hurts my soul the most, is wanting what I already have so much that I keep acquiring copies of what I already have, as though everything will disappear. As thought I might disappear.
From the time I was born, I have been tied directly to death and the cycle of creation and destruction. I fear the ultimate loss of everything I love even the smallest things. I do not fear the loss of myself, because some part of me always comes back. I can always find parts of me. I fear that I cannot find the Lost Things the way they used to be.
The most important thing now is to contemplate, meditate, understand, accept, and agree. Obsessions and compulsions are vicious and will never release me until I force them to. I am stronger. I was born to be who I am and will be. That is my goal.
Still, it never hurts to calm the panic with drugs, exercises, and good old fashioned talking.
( portrait model photos )
