Feeling Unknown

I feel like absolute hell currently, but I guess that's an okay thing, what with being professionally disabled now. Lulz? I shall administer treatments that will help until I feel better. Stuff is happening tonight and I want to be awake.

The abdominal bloating has finally ended, and my favorite jeans and slacks fit easily. Everyone was right; menstrual hormones are evil and make me feel horrid. Eventually I hope to get a tubal litigation; I know that won't solve PMS, but at least I won't need to worry about the tokophobia flaring while those hormones are raging and making me feel physically, um, "wrong" (for lack of a better word).

Friends will be coming over tonight, and I've been getting a constant flow of "Congratulations, I'm sorry" from people. There is a strange mix of intense relief and intense worry. Being on disability insurance will be... I don't know if I have the right words. I don't want people to think that being on such a program means being able to spend frivolously all the time; it is not free money, and it is vital that the money is used to help improve myself as well as to save for future emergencies. I know some of my friends have gently joked about my being able to buy pricey things, but it's... not like that. I may decide to speak with a financial adviser.

Being Alice: Thorns and Eyes

Well, a seizure just happened. I figured it might, because of holyshitamazingstuffthathappened and the amount of stress that is still sliding off me in pieces slowly. I knew the intensity would start intensifying.

Friends were over. My dear friend Red helped me upstairs after dinner. She sat me on my couch and went downstairs to talk with Adam and her boyfriend Stretch. I slumped and let it take over.

Behind my closed eyes, I raced through the rabbit hole, and my guide Alicia grabbed my hand. We did not stop running. Thorns pricked me everywhere, eyes stared at me from everywhere. I felt my breathing and pulse quicken. I could barely feel my limbs. I was so cold. I felt myself fall into a deeper slump; various muscles started twitching. Something deep inside me screamed like a hawk. I wanted to scream.
Abruptly, my eyes flew open and I drew in a staggered breath. The room was too bright; the television, showing Futurama, was too loud. My memory is fading. I must hold it...
There was so much animal screaming in my twisted reality. I just kept running. There was nothing but running, and thorns, and eyes, and screaming birds and screaming predators, and I was freezing and trembling, and now my insides feel so cold.
I am not tired enough to sleep, but moving is so hard. I should tell Adam. I should go downstairs and say that I am fine, but I would be lying. I want to cry. My mind is full of bursts of light through which eyes stare without blinking.
The stress will continue to slough off me day by day, week by week, month by month. Part of me has no idea what to do. Other parts are too shaky to think. Other parts are already calculating this new, strange, sudden future. I cannot believe this is happening. It happened, it is happening, it will continue to happen. Now what? My mind is so full of thorns and eyes.