And so I said to myself, Self, go take your pain drugs...

Every time I think, "But I don't WANT to be in this much pain and exhuastion!" that damaged part of my brain with all that dead white matter points and laughs. Neurology likes to make things that much more difficult. Oh, whatever. This has been happening since I was a baby, it will keep happening, and I already know everything I need to do to manage it.

And that right there brings me to this one thought that keeps circulating. The idea behind "person first" language in reference to disabilities. Me? I am against it for my own self, personally, and I finally found a comment that explains why:
"Careful with the semantics. A lot of disabled people object to 'person-first' language because it suggests their disability is a wholly negative thing that should be peripheral to who they are. I usually refer to myself as an autistic person because autism is not a disease or something to be ashamed of. It's just how my brain works, and it's an integral part of who I am. Yes, it's a label, but one that I accept and am proud of, much like labels of race, class, gender, and my family's national origin. To compare disability to, say, cancer has some very problematic implications."

I honestly do not know if it makes a difference if someone was born with disabilities or acquired their disabilities. But I do know that the majority of my acquaintances who acquired their disabilities prefer "person-first" - and often admonish anyone who doesn't, including me. I have very few friends who were born with their disabilities, but I do wonder if they would view "person-first" as a negative connotation. I wonder if it may be because people who were born with it consider it literally part of them, while people who acquired it see it as wholly unwanted since they were "just fine/normal/ordinary/etc" before they became disabled. It is a very interesting thing to think about! I can only speak for myself - aside from those who I know who agree with me. For example: a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend. He had acquired neurological damage from a car accident and one arm has been semi-paralyzed for several years while his doctors work on treatments that will help him use that arm again. Before the accident, he had been extremely active in the military, in martial arts, in sports. He said, "No, I am a person first, I am not my disability. And so are you. You are a person with disabilities" I said, "Actually, I don't know what it's like to not live with disabilities. My disabilities technically happened while I was becoming a person." He blinked, tilted his head, stared at me, and said, "Huh. Interesting." I said, "At some point, you may regain the full use of your damaged parts and will no longer be disabled. That won't happen to me. Ever. This is who I am. I am both a person with disablities and a disabled person." He said, "Okay. I can absolutely understand that, in your case." "Yes," I said, "In my case. Not everybody's, though. But it's something to think about."

And there is... well... this:
Disabled people are people, and that means that can be rude, dickish, prejudiced, judgmental assholes, as bad as anyone. In fact, yes, someone them do it deliberately, because people coo "Oh, they're disabled, it's okay, the poor things! They don't understand what they're saying!"
It is almost as awful as the "disabled inspiration porn" - example, "Look at that disabled person! She is so amazing, so strong, to do what she does while being disabled! We should all look up to her!"
No. Oh, gods, no. PLEASE don't look up to me. Look, if you want to call me inspirational, refer to the strength and power I have because of my disabilities, not despite them. I may be physically and neurologically weak, but I am incredibly strong in my soul, spirit, etc. It's just how I live. I live WITH my disorders, I don't live DESPITE them. I work WITH them, not AGAINST them. I am constantly and consistently COMPROMISING and COMPENSATING. And guess what? I HAVE LIMITS. Don't dare ever tell me all that bullshit about how "the only disability in life is a bad attitude" or "the only limits are in your mind" because fuck you. I have limitations, and the best I can to is to keep raising them, keep increasing those limits, instead of pushing or breaking them, because trying to break my limits is stupid and will leave me exhausted, drained, agonized, and unable to function. But raising my limits just means that I can go on a little longer without collapsing. That's all.
And this is not saying "I can say this stuff because I'm disabled so it's not discriminatory, ha ha!" This is saying "Many disabled people use their disabled status to be fucking assholes and they know it. Don't think I'm a sweet angel just because I'm a fucking cripple." I really do my very best to NOT be an asshole. Because it's a terrible thing to do. We're all people, we all screw up. But we also do the best we can. Most of us.

I still don't understand why so many people so desperately want to shift semantics like this, especially those who are not actually disabled. Then again, I don't get out much. I was late to the party.

But they're just cartoon characters. But I love them. I have feelings. :/

http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Magical_Mystery_Cure#WikiaArticleComments

Oh my various gods. I am actually reading - and loving - a massive philosophical debate regarding My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic. But, I must highlight this fascinating comment. Also, I have learned that this season finale is just Part One of a trilogy, which might mean that the status quo will return or things will just get interesting from now on. Also, this comment is kind of awesome and I wanted to discuss it - oh my gods, is this turning me into more of a Brony, or does it just mean I like philosophy in everything? Probably the latter.
Also, screw spoilers. I was late to the party, and anyway the secret has been out for a while.

***
Ack, you're getting too philosophical! Again, while I'm not necessarily saying you're wrong, you have to remember what the canon is -- a (sometimes overly) straight-forward and light-hearted cartoon that little kids watch; yes, a cleverly written show with an adult audience both admiring and often with insatiable standards...but again, little kids watch this: they aren't going to get into complex areas of logic and reason.

Their are no "maybes" or "most likely" with this - the cutie-mark represents, not just your special talent and what you are naturally gifted in, but essentially your future - and not just your future, get over it, but your happiness...your 'true self', what makes you special, the road and life that will make you happy; it's why their is so much simplicity and eagerness for foals to find their cutie-marks because they don't have to necessarily think about themselves and their future in the broad way humans do...it's just a matter of figuring out what they are good at (hence, the CMC trying all sorts of ridiculous things to make things interesting and funny) i.e. what their special talent is, which doubles in what makes them happy and fulfills which also parallels in being their destiny and what they are meant for in life i.e. what will make them happy like no other.

The whole thing is unbelievably simple and straightforward, and that's the point of the canon; it's how it works...everything we are thinking of are genuine wonderful questions because they are normally complex abstract philosophical discussions, but as before, this is a children's cartoon....they are not going to go off the wall:

1) Foals don't have to think too hard about their future - not like humans do...it's just a matter of figuring out what they are particularly good at, narrowing down what their 'special talent' is which...

2) Will appear on their flank as a "cutie-mark" when they realize this; which doubles as the realization of their life's calling and what they are "meant" to do which will bring them a happiness and fulfillment like no other...something called "destiny".

3) They wouldn't get a cutie-mark for anything other then something they were 'meant' to do - meant to in the sense of being something they were genuinely good at ('special talent') and exceptional, and fits with their personality, and also in the sense of being an indication of what they are meant to do in life that will bring them a happiness and fulfillment like no other...a state of being that is truer and more representative of themselves like nothing else -- hence, their "true selves".

4) Hence the extreme importance of finding out what their cutie-marks are for, and why things are so awkward and difficult for foals and why "Blank Flank" is such a stigma...ponies can't make a life for themselves that is happy and fulfilling doing anything else -- someone with a bread-making cutie-mark can't start making fruit and expect to be happy, or live a life that's as happy (or happy at all)...they will inevitably and continuously be miserable forever and ever because they are not doing what they are meant to do i.e. what they are naturally and exceptionally good at i.e. what fits best with their personality and character i.e....they are ignoring their 'true selves'.

This, my friends, is why none of the Mane 5 questioned anything when the cutie-marks were reversed...you have to understand just how dependent they are on cutie-marks - everything is unbelievably simplified in their world, and also has it's drawbacks....because even though they realized they were not good at what they are doing, they refused to even try to think about doing anything else, and nobody else tried to help them, simply because this was their cutie-mark -- of course Rainbow Dash must take care of animals, because it's her destiny, it's what she is meant to do and must be what she's good at, it must fit with her personality, her special talent and what makes her happy like nothing else will....because she wouldn't get a cutie-mark for anything else if none of that were the case.

Ergo, despite being unhappy, despite being unsuccessful....nobody helped the Mane 5 and nobody else bothered to help them in this time-warp episode because, well, "it's got to be my destiny....and it's what my cutie-mark is telling me!"

This is also why Twilight, who by the way, behaved quite appropriately actually for the situation and even asked about books, didn't ask too many questions nor did anyone else...because again, the comfort of knowing this is what she was meant to do all along, what she is good at, what her cutie-mark must have always meant...this is a time for celebration, not a time for asking longevity questions!

Destiny is always a comforting simple and explicitly good thing in their world, no.questions.asked.
***

Also, as I have just learned: Lauren Faust, the creator herself, said that while Twilight Sparkle becoming an alicorn was not what she had planned, she no longer works on the show and won't undermine what the writers and showrunners are currently doing. Also, Tara Strong joked "Everypony relax, Twilight is not leaving her friends, however the voice acting will be taken over by Morgan Freeman."
The point is, the status quo won't actually change; it will just mean that a princess alicorn will be living in Ponyville library while still hanging out with her friends. Hell, if I became some respected celebrity, I wouldn't leave my friends either; although I might buy a bigger house.

Chemicals are fascinating. Except when they want to destroy you.

Oh.
I see.
Thanks, brain chemistry and such.

Hey, other people with clinical major depression: It really does get better... but it is a long, long, insane, wild climb to reach the top of the lighthouse. Best to have people who can cheer you on, hold you when needed, remind you why you are awesome. Because the beasts below you deep inside your brain probably will not let you go easily. But that is what proper weaponry is for.

*is wielding drugs and treatments and exercises like swords and spears and possibly like directed-energy weapons, because phasers are cool*

(Look, I know not everyone is big on getting treatments like psychoptherapy and drugs whether pharmaceutical or herbal or holistic, but something needs to happen. It is a long fall and it is a long climb. And being perky with happy thoughts does not count as actual medicine. No, it really doesn't, sorry.)

Sigh.

The anxiety attack was brief and was about nothing, and supplements actually took care of it. The little monster just didn't have much fight in it. But the depressive episode hit like a wild thing, teeth gnashing. No matter how loudly I growled back at it, the beast grew, until it filled the rest of my brain and paced. And so I keep moving, fighting, handling. It is how I was born.