Writer, get off thy ass and do other stuff

And now my brain is screaming "Oh for Apollo's sake, woman, stop writing, eat something, take your shower, bring the trash can in, and feed the fish."
I inherited it from my father. When he's sculpting stone or painting, my mother has to physically go to him and insist that he stop working and eat. And he'll look up with glazed eyes and say "Huh?" And she'll say, "John, you've been working for six hours. You need to eat." "Oh. Okay!" And immediately after digesting, he might read a book for a bit and then go back to work for another six hours.

So much staring at a laptop. So much typing with two or three fingers, which are now vibrating. Also, I need eye drops. Augh but LOL?

Lights.

The thing about brains is... brains are so complicated. Brains are so complex. Brains need outlets, too. Words are good enough for my brain. I just want to feel safe when I say words out loud. All I've wanted to do was help people. To say, in public, loudly, "You have someone who will listen. You have someone who understands. You have someone who knows what it means. You have someone who will hold you through the worst of the darkness. You have someone who will always shine brighter than any light." Ever since I was a teenager, I was told that I radiated a pure sort of light that drew other minds close. And every time someone who has never seen that light tells me that I'm causing upset or wrongness, that light falters, because how could someone slap me across the face just because I want to speak out through the darkness? I will never stop speaking out through the darkness. I don't care what it costs anymore. I will talk about my brain and its ultimate complications and complexities and sicknesses and handicaps, and somewhere, someone will always be listening. And they will talk about their brains, and we will share our stories, because that is how stories begin.
"Once upon a time, there was a warrior princess born with invisible armor to battle all the damage inside her that would follow her for the rest of her life. For a long long time, there was nobody she could talk to who truly understood. And then, suddenly, there were dozens of people who could understand. And the warrior made it a mission to talk to them all and keep talking. She kept talking even as others misunderstood her, scorned her, and scolded her, since they didn't realize that what she was doing was baring her life wide open, so anyone drawn to her light could share their lives too. She was told, 'Stop putting yourself out there. Stop talking so much about what's wrong with you. Stop focusing on the negative.' And she looked at them, finally, and said, 'No.' Because there was nothing negative. There was no wrongness. There was only her life. And her life was only positive and right. There was laughter, and amusement, and silly things, because even as the pain overwhelmed her, she would keep going, keep laughing. She told stories to those who wanted to listen. She helped many people learn about themselves. She became a teacher, an advocate, a true light in the darkness. She became strong and brave because she had to. And she will have stories to tell for the rest of her life."







I admit, I got a little choked up while writing this. Maybe I do feel much more defensive and upset and naked to criticism than I thought. I'm really, really trying to work on letting all that go. It certainly doesn't help my mental health.

I will be the light, I will be the night

An old favorite. Currently extremely personally relevant. Various reasons. Stuff.
To quote the lead singer when describing the song: "There is always beauty in darkness."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDJAMlRKgMM

*The first single from the Italian gothic metal band Lacuna Coil's sixth studio album, Dark Adrenaline, finds frontwoman and co-lyricist Cristina Scabbia singing about facing your darkest hour without fear. Noisecreep asked the singer if it is autobiographical.
Scabbia replied: "It's not an easy topic because people might misunderstand and take it as the wrong message like, 'Oh, you have to be dark in your life. You have to be negative. You have to embrace the darkness in your life.' The fact is that people don't think about the fact that life itself is made of ups and downs, of good and bad, so this song means, at least to us, the fact that you just have to obviously find the light at the end of the tunnel. You have to embrace the darkest moments because they are part of life itself and they could be good, even if it doesn't sound right, because they can bring out a different type of emotion. They can make you think about yourself; they can make you realize what you're missing or what you're achieved in your life. In your darkest moments, it's where you really sit down and look inside yourself and think about what you're doing because when you're happy you do something mundane, something crazy, but you don't really sit down and reflect."*

*cough* I'm sure we can all relate *cough*