Counting

[brightlotusmoon]

Shot of espresso with milk killed the migraine, but the aura remains and has grown like a creature: simple partial. My muscles are spasming violently, fuck cerebral palsy. My left hand lies collapsed between my breasts like an exhausted wounded animal; it is like a twitching stone. Mom called and I asked for yoga breathing tips. She guided me through Ujjayi pranayama. I find that during such an episode it is incredibly difficult to speak any word associated with epilepsy or cerebral palsy: Spasm, spasticity, seizure, epilepsy, temporal lobe. My tongue stumbles and stammers and stutters and shakes. And there is the emotional disorientation and frustration. I am falling through myself, drop down, tumble, spin. Twenty seconds, five minutes, however long, but it is mild and easy to deal with. I am fine and coherent and stable.
I just don't want to be anywhere.
I don't want to talk. I don't want to listen. People make me want to run, voices make me want to cringe. Can they see? Can they tell? Am I doing anything strange? Do I look weird? Do I sound weird? I don't want anyone to know. You know.
It is a terrible stigma. If someone were to ask if I was all right, and I told them I was having a small seizure, I bet they would think I was about to collapse right in front of them and start convulsing. They might turn pale, eyes widening, they might back away or thrust out an arm as though to steady me should I fall. It is stupid. It is stupid. Am I contagious? Will I fall on them? No. No. The last time I mentioned to a coworker that I was going to the doctor to test for seizures, she just stared at me as though I were dying, as though the world were ending.
I am not going to fall at your feet and shake uncontrollably and foam at the mouth.

The seizure itself is well over... but the disorientation and spasticity and emotional intensity and sensory overload will last hours.

I just want to go home and to bed and curl up and stop thinking until it is gone.
I wish it would rain.
The rain will help.
Weather pressure is a trigger.

Comments

[sidheblessed.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[pulchracarrie.livejournal.com]

See when you say those things about your seizures, I wonder if I am having one at times at work. I get to the point where I'm not doing anything and just in general I want to cry because people are there. I don't want to be around these people. I want to be alone.

I'm not just saying this to try and empathise/hypochondriac-ish as this sounds. But I do feel for you. And I had epilepsy, just now I don't realize whether or not it is in effect. Because sometimes I cannot handle being in the physical. I didn't do the "fall at your feet and shake uncontrollably" sort of thing, either.

Much love cyber friend. I wish I knew you in real life.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Much love to you too. :)
Have you talked to your doctors?

[pulchracarrie.livejournal.com]

The reason I said that is because last time I went to my therapist, he mentioned that I had a small seizure. So I wonder when I'm at work, when I get stressed from all the people, if I have seizures there also.

[satyrblade.livejournal.com]

My best friend developed epilepsy, followed by MS, a few years back. It's heartbreaking to see what she struggles with, yet inspiring to see that yes, she still triumphs in that difficult vocation called Being a Decent Human Being.

*HUGS*

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Oh, damn. That's hard. I know a couple of people like that.
Thanks for the support. *hugs*