Cry Out

[brightlotusmoon]

...
I have not felt this way since I was nine years old.
My mother sent me to one of the best child psychiatrists in New York City for a year.

...I need to make new friends and soon.
(Or find a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle plushie doll.)

I wish I new how to make new friends.

I wish I knew how to reach out without fear, without worrying about rejection. "Sorry, I'm busy, I have six dozen other friends to see. How's next summer work for you?"
I need to be able to say, "No, I want to see you now or very soon. I miss you. I haven't seen you in X weeks/months/years. Please, find time to see me. I cannot drive. I need people."

I hold myself back. I scare myself away. I need to break a habit.

Sooner or later, I may go back to that place I was in twenty years ago, and I don't actually remember it. It won't be as bad as it had been, but it won't be a place I'll want to stay in.

So I will move away from it. I'll go far away from it and I'll make sure it never touches me. But I can't do it alone.

Alone.

I don't want to be alone.

Help me out; find the time to come see me. I don't care if you have a hundred friends. I am one of those friends. Call me, myself, not just my husband. He and I may be a unit, but we're not fused. I want to be able to get out on my own, but I need at least a little help. Even if you have to take two hours to drive, try to find the time and come pick me up, and I'll pay for gas. I just want to see people. People, not parties. Not crowds. Not gatherings where music screams and people in skimpy leather clothing shout at each other clutching plastic cups of alcohol.
People, in a small cozy living room. On couches. Eating snacks and playing silly games. Laughing about small things.

I don't think I've ever made an outburst quite like this on LiveJournal, and yes it is shaping up to be an outburst.

I am hindered by my lack of a car, by my shyness, by my withdrawn introvert personality. I know I need to do better. I know I need to reach out and fucking talk to people. It's up to me. It's not like I make a habit of getting out and meeting people. Social anxiety disorder is a bitch.
But for right now, I want sometime to reach out to me. To call me and say, "Hey, Jo, I'm not doing anything this weekend. Wanna go to X place and hang out with me and a couple of other friends? I'll pick you up."

Yes, whining. I know. Lay it on me. I bring it on myself, I don't make an effort, I stay in my house, I don't pick up the phone.
But I do. And I wind up leaving overly hopeful messages. People are usually too far away and busy too see me. I pick inopportune times.

Fuck this. I want to actually see the people I am supposed to be friends with.

Outburst done.
Going to hug my kitten now.

Comments

[briar-witch.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

You're not whining, you need company, you need someone to be there as an actual, physical friend. We all need that.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

The fact that I only have two actual, physical friends that I can see on a weekly basis says something. I adore Charlotte and Billy so much, but there is only so much we all do together. I know everything about them. I want to know everything about someone else, you know?

[briar-witch.livejournal.com]

I hear ya.

[walksbeauty.livejournal.com]

When I've said I'd love to come over and hang out I MEAN it... I'm lonely, too, and I need friends, too, and so much of what you expressed feels very real to me, too, (and I even have the ability to drive and STILL stay isolated) so thank you for your honest expression of it...It's just SO inconvenient to be 1818 miles (http://maps.yahoo.com/index.php#mvt=m&lat=37.56606&lon=-91.22368&zoom=6&q1=Gaithersburg%2C%20MD%2020877&q2=sapello%2C%20new%20mexico%2087745) from where you are! We could have such fun talking oils, smells, food, all of it...! Winter is hard since we're even more holed up with cold and dark days... sigh... I bet you're anticipating (how not?!)the 3 week period ahead when Adam will be gone. I'm sorry.. sending hugs!

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you... it hurts my heart to be unable to get all the way out there to see you!
Thank you for understanding and commiserating.

[datajana2007.livejournal.com]

I feel exactly the same way hon.

No car.

My close friends in different states or different countries.

Too shy to walk next door and say, "Hi, I'm Jana. I live next door and just wanted to introduce myself!" and see if a new friendship would occur or not.

There are times I wish I lived closer to people like you and me, just so that we could visit with each other on a daily, if not a weekly, basis.

I'm waiting anxiously for the transporters that are so casually used on Star Trek to be invented. I'll be using the hell out of them.

*hugs*

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me too. Transporters would make everything easy. :)

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm also becoming somewhat of a shut-in in the past few weeks -- and the worst part is that I keep getting invitations to go out when I'm actually feeling energized about writing, so I have to choose between a rare moment of social contact (and the knowledge that if I refuse too many invitations, I'll stop getting them) and my work. No matter what I do, it feels like the wrong choice.

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I feel this way too. I can't drive and my two friends in the area (besides my boyfriend) I see infrequently.

Knock knock ... cookies and coffee?

[stamp-witch.livejournal.com]

::Peeking in::

I read your post and hope you don't mind me comiserating with you a bit. I enjoy reading the posts about your cats (I have 4) and the different herbal things you try, but I think I've only tried to talking to you once before.
I've been burned by people in real life as well as several I've met online, so I have turned into quite the introvert. My hubby (and my best friend now) gets many more phone calls than I do ... sometimes I get jealous about that ... but I'm painfully shy now, moreso, I believe, than I was even in school. I don't have any friends in this crummy town - we have nice enough neighbors, but they're all older than us and grew up in this area ... plus they are Baptists ... and I'm ... not even close. I'm always wishing I had someone to shop with or for some girl talk. So I understand how you're feeling, and I truly hope it gets better... for both of us. =)

Re: Knock knock ... cookies and coffee?

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Mmm, cookies and coffee. :)

Thank you for sharing.

You may not know ... you have friends you didn't even realize ...

[midnightbunny.livejournal.com]

I don't live in your local vicinity, and have mainly been a lurker here although I've been connected to your journal here for years on LJ and through your writings (and your similarities with my own life as well), in my heart, I have always considered you to be a friend. If not a local friend, at least a friendly person that I think if we lived in the same town, would be a true friend. You write so deeply from your emotions (about your life, your pains), and so thoughtfully about your husband and pets ... and friends. That has always gotten to me and inspired me in many ways. No, I don't know you personally. You might not be who I think you are, but then again, I have always trusted my instincts with people. From what you have written about your life over the years, I do think you are a good person, who should have a lot of friends. Someone who, if they could, would reach out to make friends. With that said, I just want you to know that I consider you to be a friend (someone I would want to see more often if we lived in the same area), and if you are ever in N.C., feel free to contact me. You always have a place to visit here with me and my little family ... pets included.

Michelle (http://midnightbunny.livejournal.com/263993.html)

Re: You may not know ... you have friends you didn't even realize ...

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Wow... thank you. That means a great deal.

You might not be who I think you are

One thing about me is sincerety and truth. I am honestly who I say I am. No pretending, no acting, no role-play. :) So I appreciate your words more.

Re: You may not know ... you have friends you didn't even realize ...

[midnightbunny.livejournal.com]

Believe me, I do think you are who you appear to be, and your writing has always felt very sincere to me in the way it is presented within your journal. It is one of the things that has always drawn me to reading it, and to even caring for what happens to you, your husband and cats. I do feel as if I know you, even though I know that isn't exactly possible from never having actually met in person. Still though, like I said, I trust my instincts on things like this, and I do believe you are a good person, who writes from the heart with honesty. For that, I consider you a friend, and someone who is trustworthy on many levels. You do inspire, and you are someone who's words hold a lot of value in my opinion. I have read many online journals that lack that kind of validity. I just want you to know that here within your journal, you do have friends like me, who care, whether or not we live within the same vicinity. I personally thank you for your writing style ... your honesty ... and your conviction to the things you hold treasured in your life.

Michelle (http://midnightbunny.livejournal.com/263993.html) (link contains updates, pictures and journal listings)

Isolated, can't drive, etc.

[sapharin.livejournal.com]

You have said just about everything I would love to say in my LJ, but haven't for fear of being critisized for being a whiner.... I can't drive due to my CP. I live on the computer or the phone WHEN and IF it rings... I do have friends and I do get occasional phone calls...but still, I'm stuck at home, and there are days that the phone never rings. Like you, I don't pick up the phone, becaue I know already people are busy...too busy at times to fit me into their schedules...they have lives, jobs, families and live in the 'normal' world. Our world is different to a certain extent.

If you would like my phone number, let me know. I don't bite, I don't have fleas,(joking) and at least we could connect on the phone. *big gentle hugs*

Re: Isolated, can't drive, etc.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I may take you up on that phone offer!

[holeslikeeyes.livejournal.com]

Hi. We've talked a few times before, I've ben lurking over your shoulder for awhile and reading your journal. Anyway, I live in the same area as you, just on the other side of DC in VA. If you ever want to meet for coffee/tea/beer/etc. somewhere, I'd be up for it. I don't have many friends here except for my fiance and his friends and new people (especially in this area) scare me off. I'm pretty shy too and try to avoid crowds...I hate going to the gym cause I know people will be there. The offer stands and either way, I sincerely hope that you meet new friends in 2009.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I would like to meet you too! Thank you for the offer. Where in VA are you?

[holeslikeeyes.livejournal.com]

We live in Lake Ridge, about 25 miles South of the city. Close enough to go there when we need to but far away enough to avoid the craziness :-)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Nice!

[natalief.livejournal.com]

I hear this. I also, often, live it. Luckily I am mostly ambivert and so can be extroverted when I need to be and am happy being introverted when stuck at home on my own but even I am better for the times that I can be face to face with one or two other humans...

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[the-onion-girl.livejournal.com]

Hi if you want to drop me an email: stardansr[at]gmail[dot]com is the one I check most often.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[sidheblessed.livejournal.com]

*tight hugs*

[sidheblessed.livejournal.com]

Also, I'd totally hang out with you in a cozy lounge with snacks and good conversation if I could.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Aww. :)

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

I wish I could be up there visiting you, or at least be able to see you on something resembling a regular basis, if that would help at all.

Just yesterday Laurie had me make up a list of 20 goals I'd like to fulfill before I die, and one of them was to meet certain people (like you) that I've known for what seems like ages electronically, but have never met in person.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

That is such a comforting thing to say. :)

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

(Now I'm even more sorry that I couldn't get up to Northern Virginia last week as I was hoping.)

[amirah915.livejournal.com]

You have read my mind. I just don't say much about it because I don't want to seem desperate. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in feeling this way. Though you and I have very different belief systems, I am drawn to your journal because you paint a picture of a life that is rich and full, despite being marred by pain and frustration. Good luck with finding people close to you to help banish the loneliness. If I didn't live states away, I would be one of them.