Maybe it will rain

[brightlotusmoon]

My head is throbbing and my ears feel clogged.
This had better not lead to a migraine.

I feel as though bits of me are fading. Parts of my memory come and go, things I knew months ago disappearing and vaguely reappearing at odd times when I am not actually trying to remember. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Sometimes when I think my memory of an event is faulty, part of me surges up to insist that no, my memory is correct. Then the two parts battle briefly, and I am not sure which one wins until much later when I actually completely remember.
Part of me is terrified that my neurology is trying to slowly destroy me.

Memory can indeed be faulty. At least questionable. (Like my debate with Adam over who sang the song "I'm On Fire." Adam said it was either Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel. I was insistent and adamant that it was neither. Yet it was Bruce Springsteen. My mind had not wanted to think about Bruce Springsteen singing "I'm On Fire," as I had assumed it was too sexual for Springsteen. But hah, shows what I know.) The mind plays games.

I want my sharp memory back. Time to increase the bacopa.

Comments

[lolamatopeoia.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, YES it was Springsteen! Mmmmm, such a wonderful song with so much sexual longing and oh ... I'm going to get carried away.

For a minute there I thought the title read 'Fire' (released by the Pointer Sisters in the 90s) and I got really excited - it's one of my facourite little known Springsteen originals facts - he also wrote 'Because the Night' and gave it to Patti Smith and then there's the whole Manfred Mann thing, and .... in any case, really I was just looking for an excuse to share this video love with someone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5PoIrcyd34

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

You know, I had never even seen the video for "I'm On Fire" until a couple of weeks ago. Man, he was SEXY. Unf.

Watching that video you linked to, for "Fire," I still have issues picturing The Boss singing songs so BLATANTLY sexual - probably because I heard most of his songs when I was very young and wasn't paying much attention back then.

[lolamatopeoia.livejournal.com]

You know, this is really interesting since I was also introduced to Springsteen at a young age, but my memories and whole perception of him has always been sexual - even at a young age, as odd as that may sound/read. He was one of my first conscious crushes as an adolescent. I was just discovering sexuality and truly didn't understand it, but it was Springsteen, Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones, Michael Douglas, Steve Perry (from Journey) and Balki Bartokomous (from Perfect Strangers, oddly enough) that were the first crushes I remember that were more than just 'tee hee, he's cute'. Alright, and now I feel a little silly ...

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Nah, not silly. I was crushing on Harrison Ford and Steve Perry, too. Also, Tom Cruise as Maverick in Top Gun and Jack in Legend -- and obviously David Bowie in Labyrinth.

Weirdly enough, I didn't see Bruce as very sexual. He was the guy who sang powerful empowering songs, but I just did not imagine him as a guy singing about sex, you know? Even though he was so very sexual, I concentrated more on the... flavor of his songs, rather than the actual context.
Now I feel like I missed out.

[datajana2007.livejournal.com]

"I want my sharp memory back"

I say this to myself all the time. I could remember complete conversations, memorize pages of notes for tests, and never had to look up words in the dictionary to make sure I was spelling them correctly.

But now? I'm lucky if I can remember to use a word in a sentence correctly, or even find the right word to use. Ever since my seizures got worse, my memory is swiss cheese most of the time.

:(

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

That's one of the hidden terrors with epilepsy, I always say.
I was always the spelling and grammar wizard, I had a fantastic memory for vocabulary. And now, it's like the Nothing has rolled in and started eating parts of my memory. It's like at the start of The NeverEnding Story (the movie) where you first see the Nothing, or its effects on Fantasia. And then near the end, where Bastian is floating in darkness with the Empress. My brain sometimes feels like that.
It's so very awful, because I remember how it used to be.
It makes me want to go on a journey to find my own Ivory Tower, my own Childlike Empress, except I also have my own Swamp of Sadness, and my own Gmork. But the dangers in Fantastica (the book) are much more intense than the dangers in Fantasia (the movie) - and now I need to read the book again because I cannot remember the name of the spider monster that Atreyu meets when he discovers Falkor (they didn't have that in the movie, and I understand why).

I'm going to be my own guinea pig with therapeutic high doses of bacopa monnieri, and I'll see if the herb really can help build back memory and neural pathways, because it is also reported to help with epilepsy.

[datajana2007.livejournal.com]

Now you've got me wanting to go read The Neverending Story again, but my copy is at my parents' house.

:(