Words In The Dark

[brightlotusmoon]

The following stories have officially scared the shit out of me, in subtle, gentle ways.

http://www.yankeeclassic.com/miskatonic/library/stacks/literature/blackwood/stories/willows.htm
http://www.topbookz.com/browse/A/Algernon_Blackwood/The_Wendigo/page1/
http://www.kellylink.net/fiction/link-specialist.htm
http://gaslight.mtroyal.ca/mnkyspaw.htm
http://www.online-literature.com/hh-munro/1891/
http://www.thecimmerian.com/?p=5878 *

*If anyone has any links to the actual full text of Karl Edward Wagner's "Sticks" I would appreciate it.

Also, yes:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/27/AR2009102703745.html

I hate horror. I hate horror films, horror stories. But it's the sort of hate that makes me deathly curious. It's a fearful hate. It's a hate that makes me say, "I will never watch this movie on my own, but I will read detailed summaries that trace every step and scene." A good example would be the Saw franchise, although those films are more torture porn than horror. A better example might be the film In The Mouth Of Madness, which I did see, one early afternoon while alone. It left a very distinct impression that has been difficult to shake. I'm very weak when it comes to horror in film, and that movie probably represents the high point of what I can deal with, even though the costumes, masks, and amounts of fake gore are obvious. I cannot handle anything with too much gore, blood, and visual disgust.
I remember back when Freddy vs Jason came out in theaters. I was with a large group of friends who all wanted to see it, and it was hard for me to decline. I didn't have any way to get home unless one of those friends drove me. And I really didn't want to exclude myself from a group activity. We took seats in the middle of the theater. I never really saw the movie. I had my eyes shut throughout. After about an hour, I left to use the restroom. For thirty minutes. I did see the end of the film. But that is a classic example of what happens if I see a horror film in a theater. Which is why I will probably decline the next time a group of friends asks me to see one with them. I honestly would rather be left behind.
I remember when the trailers and previews for The Grudge 2 played on television every hour. I couldn't sleep well for a week. I always made sure my bedroom closet was shut and that a fan was blowing to drown out the freakish, horrific noises my imagination insisted upon making.
I will also admit that if a friend were to play a horror-type prank on me, I might physically injure him or her.
I hate being physically scared. But literature holds a fascinating sway that I find so hard to resist. The right author with the right words can make me shiver deliciously for weeks without regret.

Comments

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Wow. This is beautiful and tragic and extraordinary and don't even know where to begin. But I am glad you shared it with me.

I need to compose my thoughts a bit, maybe sleep on it, but I'll get back to you on the intuition thing and why I think Dad suppressed his abilities. Although he did use them the morning before my wedding, because there was so much chaos. My friend Jenn said that he touched her forehead with his index finger and she was flooded with the deepest, most powerful sense of healing calm she had ever experienced. When my dad and I were dancing during the reception ("The Way You Look Tonight," one of his favorites), he held me really closely and I felt his gift open up and just completely envelop me.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[thedalikiss.livejournal.com]

That was one of the most amazing moments of my life. It was like he washed away all the frenetic energy I had been draining off you. The memory of that feeling is one of the places I take myself back to when I get really frazzled. Still have no idea how he did it.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy to hear this, honey!

I don't know how he does it, but I have a feeling that he saved that kind of power for very special circumstances. I only wish I've inherited it.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[tokio.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's absolutely incredible.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and he will probably never tell! My father is very withdrawn and private in almost every aspect of his life. If you believe in the Zodiac, he is on a Libra/Scorpio cusp, and he's a Chinese Rabbit sign. He's like a softspoken volcano. Then again, so am I.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[tokio.livejournal.com]

My (insane) grandmother is also on the Libra/Scorpio cusp. I'd enjoy seeing what a person without psychoses is like with that!

I definitely believe in astrology to an extent. Cancer sun, Leo moon, Scorpio ascendant, Chiron in Cancer here. My chart is all fire and water, save Venus, which was in Gemini, and Jupiter, which was in Taurus. Is it a bit sad I have this memorized and spout it off like I'm introducing myself? Earth Dragon in Chinese astrology. What about you, eh? I'm trying to guess, but someone as vast as you just can't be pigeon-holed.

And woah (shut up, Firefox, I'll spell it how I want to) to the transcendental sex with past lives. The way you phrased it, it sounds like it just reached that point on its own rather than through anyone intentionally facilitating it, which is interesting in and of itself. Was that the case?

I've always been interested in the notion of past lives. Unfortunately, research on the topic has been delegated to the Realm of Fluff. Obviously, there's no way to find concrete evidence. As for myself, I've had a few dreams and a few inexplicable flashes of insight. These could be suppressed memories, but there's a tickle in the back of my mind telling me it's more than that, and that I'm just not ready for the truth yet. Since I've never had a full experience myself, my beliefs are rather uninformed, and simply fit in with the way I view everything else. I'd love to hear more about your experiences with this if you're ever inclined to share them.

I used to be a very spiritual person. I needed to be a spiritual person. I tapped into a waterfall of my truest essence, but I backed away before I got too deep in the water. I became too self-possessed and too busy. I've felt pushed back in that direction for a long time now, like this part of me is trying to claw back to the surface again. I've done nothing about it.

Until now, that is.

I hate to sound pedantic and maudlin, but the truth is that I believe we encountered each other for a reason. I've felt so much pain over what's happening and my lack of spirituality; I've needed comfort, the kind that can not be found in the bottom of a bottle, and I've needed relief, the kind that I can not buy from a pharmacy. These conversations with you have inspired me to go back and find that piece of me, to travel back to the place within me that overlooks momentum and stillness, to find my center again. The thought of going back there is painful, but not nearly so frightening as how barren I have felt without the courage to make the journey.

The Universe found a pretty hilarious way to wake me up. I believe you added me after seeing Sabrina quote my entry about sex toys on her journal.

I remember running into you on her journal a long time ago. She'd posted a picture of me and you responded with a very nice compliment. I wanted to add you, but I didn't. I thought better of it because I thought adding you after seeing you compliment me could be interpreted as egoism.

I wish, perhaps selfishly, that some day I can do something for you that brings you as much hope and joy as you've unintentionally brought to me. That way the pleasure isn't just all mine, and your reason for having found me is as great as my reason for finding you.

Yes, a beacon. Gilded.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Aww, this made me tear up a little. I wish we could meet in person some day!

Let's see *pulls up random astrology chart*
Aries Sun, Leo Moon, Pisces Mercury, Pisces Venus, Aries Mars, Cancer Jupiter, Virgo Saturn, Scorpio Uranus, Saggitarius Neptune, Libra Pluto.
It disappoints me a little, because I only feel like an Aries in certain moments. Generally I act like a Pisces or Cancer. If I had been born on my due date, I would have been born in early July.

Don't worry, you're already doing wonderful things by sharing your life with me. :)

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[tokio.livejournal.com]

That's... really strange. Yesterday, when I was typing that, I was thinking, "Maybe I should hazard a guess and see if I'm right," but I was torn between Pisces and Aries. Then I kept thinking, "Libra?! No. Pisces." I took a gander at a picture of you and then I was back at Aries (your eyes -- I don't know why, but they scream Aries to me). I've always been a good guesser, though.

I also have Mars in Aries.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I know I have a ton of Aries traits, but whenever I read descriptions of classic Aries people, I never feel like they describe me.

Ad astra inclinant, non necessitant.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

I don't think the "classic Random Zodiac Sign" descriptions could be accurate for anyone, really. :) There are just so many variables. For what it's worth, I did get a distinct Aries impression. In my experience, people who seem to fit snugly into the traits described on websites and even books might push themselves into the sphere of traits rather than naturally fall into it. That's the cynic in me talking. She's been at it all day.

The way I see it, all of these variables are coming together in a way that can only be realized through action. It's like working on a character in a play. Reading through the script, you can see how the audience will interpret the words at face value. Running lines, thinking about your posture, putting on character shoes -- those steps are necessary, but this process doesn't make the role yours. The character isn't yours until you get on stage to flesh out the character's words with vitality and momentum. The script informs, but it does not dictate. Perhaps the truth of astrology lies not in our minds, not in our words, but somewhere warm instead, in a place that is nothing if not visceral and instinctual. If I were a star up there spinning in the cold and dark, I would want to nestle into something that alive too.

Re: Ad astra inclinant, non necessitant.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Ooh, good points. Thanks! And extremely well-written.

Re: Ad astra inclinant, non necessitant.

[tokio.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[tokio.livejournal.com]

I remember hearing about that story!

To be perfectly honest, I'm SO embarrassed about my little outburst. The only thing I can think to type right now that would succinctly sum up my feelings is, "ROFL."

Apparently, I just started typing, and I was responsive to Adam if he talked to me, but then I became almost entranced. I spouted off some things I haven't thought about in ages.

I so wish my grandpa and your father could meet. :) I'm not kidding. Grandpa has a similar... I don't know... energy? I know exactly what you mean when you say you only wish you've inherited it.

The last time he used his was for shits and giggles. To set this up, here's some background information. They have a dog, Honey, who is mentally ill; we found her in the yard of a trailer in a trailer park some relatives live in. She'd been heavily beaten, hit by a car, and someone had shot her with a BB gun. She was completely covered in dirt when we found her. It takes a really long time to train her to do anything, and she needs very special attention because she requires a similar amount of validation that humans do.

So. She's easily distracted. But this one time, Grandpa was standing in the kitchen with his back to her. She was watching him with intense focus. This was so rare that I turned around to watch what was going on, and I was just as perplexed as she was. Grandpa was making a gesture with his hands like he was rolling up a ball of pure energy. He got faster and faster and faster until he whipped around and threw the "ball" at Honey. Before she even knew what happened, she literally, yes, literally JUMPED backwards a foot into the air with the most surprised look on her face.

I couldn't tell who was more shocked -- me or Honey, but it was absolutely hilarious. I've never seen anything like it.

When he was much younger, he would lead these lock-in seminars with a group of volunteer participants. Usually these people He'd hypnotize them and lead them through guided meditations or help them "manipulate" chi. I think he must have picked this funny trick up during this.

In spite of your uncanny ability to get me to talk about my past without even TRYING, I'm so very glad to have met you. Haha. Our conversations (which seem awfully one-sided because, wow, I've gotten talkative with you) remind me of some of my best memories with my Grandpa, and that's better than any medication for depression I could ever find. :)

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

HAH! Aww, energy balls! I LOVE playing with energy balls. Your grandfather is fantastic. I miss playing energy ball catch with people. I need to find someone I can do that with again.

And please please don't ever be embarrassed to babble at me or reveal your life or anything, I can take it. Jenn once told me that psychically I'm a beacon.

One night, when Adam and I were having sex, we went into transcendental sex, and I went into a deep trance. I started talking like a British woman who had lived her adult life in India. Which, apparently, I used to be, I guess, several lives ago. Apparently I'd been the student of a yogi who taught me all sorts of things. I wish I could remember those things.

Keep talking. If I can help you find peace during this awful time with your Grandpa, I plan on taking advantage of that so you can get through it.

Re: Part IV (WTF!)

[tokio.livejournal.com]

That's so sweet of you, hun.