brightlotusmoon | Pain Rant, etc.

Sometimes I wonder, legitimately, if I did all this to myself. Starting in my childhood. When I defied the doctors and therapists and refused to comply with the leg braces, the exercises, the therapy. Sometimes I wonder if it is mostly my own fault for believing I could just breeze through life without worrying about crumbling neuromuscular fallouts.
Mm.
The migraine has been tamed enough so I can do things without sobbing. The standard aches, spasms, and stiffness of my primary disabilities have all abated slightly. I'm sitting here thinking that if only I did this, if only I did that, if only I hadn't done this, if only I hadn't done that... Etcetera.
The litany of those who can't and won't empathize: "You're just too weak. You brought this on yourself. It's all psychological. It's not as bad as you say it is. You're lazy. You're crazy. You're selfish. You're faking it. You're lying. Stop whining. Stop complaining so much. Just get over it. What is wrong with you? Why can't you just get better?"
I cry myself to sleep some nights when I'm alone and it's silent. I tell myself over and over, "It's not so bad. You're a mild case. Think of all the people with your conditions who have it so much worse than you. Who are you in comparison? Stop crying. Get up. Get through it. Be a warrior."
I'm. So. TIRED.
I don't know if my loved ones really know how shitty this feels. If they have, they haven't said anything. I don't want a psychologist right now, unless it's free or cheap. I know I probably need one. My doctors and specialists already know what's wrong, and they can only offer what advice and medication they can. And that's fine. They know this is permanent. They know I'll have days like this.
Besides, I'm PMSing. That's not an excuse. Yes it is. Maybe.
I'm so fucking tired.

(I need a job. Either full-time, or part-time and well-paying. But I don't know if there is anything out there for me, because what I know how to do is so specific. And I don't have a Masters in Library Science. They like that sort of thing. I don't want to file for disability. I can work. I'm happy working. I just want someone to like me enough to take me and keep me because I'm awesome.)

I'm just very tired right now. Today is just one of those days. Maybe it's one of those weeks. Or months. Everything hurts in so many ways, and I can't even describe it.

When it starts getting better, I'll celebrate.