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brightlotusmoonAdam and I are paring down bills to see what we can save and such, like everyone probably. Cable with be replaced with some cheaper internet and phone service, because we hardly watch television except for the basics. We have Netflix, and we plan on adding Hulu Plus. Yay streaming.
For now, I'm using my laptop's internet in places beyond the house, because we had a Discussion, and we decided that for the sake of my own sanity and need to Get The Fuck Out Of The House Once In A While, I must play online with my laptop away from my comfort couch. I can use one of the desktops, or my smartphone, or Adam's laptop, but my own laptop needed some air. I am at a McDonald's with an Iced Mocha; it's tasty. There is sunlight, and voices, and I feel Good. I have not felt Good in a while.
On Friday, I had a bit of a meltdown and suffered three seizures within an hour, two of them while being cuddled by Adam. It was very surreal. The first one was secondary generalized, and Adam says that I literally went from lying facedown on his chest to flinging my torso up and back down on top of him, seizing violently with my eyes wide and my mouth open, making guttural gasping sobbing noises. He held me gently and I remember him saying, "It's okay, it's okay, don't be scared, it's not over yet" as I hit another wave and rode it out shaking madly. There were many tears and such. Adam called it "fairly spectacular" with some fear in his voice. I slept for a while and he curled up around me like a dragon with a treasured gem. Less than an hour later, we were downstairs at the table, and I had a silent complex partial, frozen, speechless, trapped, and then it was over. I think perhaps I had been unconsciously hoarding and building more stress/anxiety/depression than I'd thought. Doctors and lawyer have and will be informed.
I have been Writing, and it has been Good. With no immediate internet distraction on this laptop at home, I can write more clearly. My mother admitted that my childhood OCD has probably grown up with me in fascinating ways. It is a very internal, inward, self-absorbed kind of OCD and ADD thing. I hyperfocus so much on my own brain and my own desires that the world falls away for a while. That is why I am away from the house right now. It's like a trial period: how long will it take for Joanna to go outside herself all the time instead of constantly turning inward and such.
It is really, really sunny outside. It's almost sixty degrees. Winter barely happened. Oh, Maryland.
For now, I'm using my laptop's internet in places beyond the house, because we had a Discussion, and we decided that for the sake of my own sanity and need to Get The Fuck Out Of The House Once In A While, I must play online with my laptop away from my comfort couch. I can use one of the desktops, or my smartphone, or Adam's laptop, but my own laptop needed some air. I am at a McDonald's with an Iced Mocha; it's tasty. There is sunlight, and voices, and I feel Good. I have not felt Good in a while.
On Friday, I had a bit of a meltdown and suffered three seizures within an hour, two of them while being cuddled by Adam. It was very surreal. The first one was secondary generalized, and Adam says that I literally went from lying facedown on his chest to flinging my torso up and back down on top of him, seizing violently with my eyes wide and my mouth open, making guttural gasping sobbing noises. He held me gently and I remember him saying, "It's okay, it's okay, don't be scared, it's not over yet" as I hit another wave and rode it out shaking madly. There were many tears and such. Adam called it "fairly spectacular" with some fear in his voice. I slept for a while and he curled up around me like a dragon with a treasured gem. Less than an hour later, we were downstairs at the table, and I had a silent complex partial, frozen, speechless, trapped, and then it was over. I think perhaps I had been unconsciously hoarding and building more stress/anxiety/depression than I'd thought. Doctors and lawyer have and will be informed.
I have been Writing, and it has been Good. With no immediate internet distraction on this laptop at home, I can write more clearly. My mother admitted that my childhood OCD has probably grown up with me in fascinating ways. It is a very internal, inward, self-absorbed kind of OCD and ADD thing. I hyperfocus so much on my own brain and my own desires that the world falls away for a while. That is why I am away from the house right now. It's like a trial period: how long will it take for Joanna to go outside herself all the time instead of constantly turning inward and such.
It is really, really sunny outside. It's almost sixty degrees. Winter barely happened. Oh, Maryland.
