running in mental circles

I am deeply troubled and anxious concerning this strife among trusted friends. That weekend revealed some emotions, opinions, and voices that I have nightmares about. It's screwing with my head. And unfortunately, part of my anxiety disorder issues involve what I call "worse case scenario" anxiety. It's where I witness something bad personally, and then spend the next several hours/days/weeks tossing and turning, coming up with situations and possibilities so horrible that it affects my daily mental routine. It only ends when the situation turns out for the better and I realize that all my fears were groundless and can be laid to rest. I hate feeling like that. I don't know how to stop it. And the harsh words being thought at this particular friend hurt me the most.

I trust this friend. I believe in this friend. Am I the only one? How can everyone be so cruel and disbelieving? All right. So I understand that I have not been around for six years, I don't know what has happened, I don't know the history. But I'm here now. I see what's happening. I'm not blind. I see both sides of the issue--the good and the bad. I'm not defending, I'm not prosecuting, I'm not choosing sides. But in talking with other friends over the last few days, I have come to the realization that there is a large rift being created over a particular situation, and there's nothing comforting or placating that I can say because if I say anything it will only make it worse.

No, I do not believe this friend will "fuck up" and yes I believe this friend is "being careful". However--however--if something does go wrong, I will, yes, bow my head and admit to having been wrong. If I am listening to beautiful lies, then so be it. If everything I have been told is a lie, then I will make peace with my demons and my pain and move on. If not...if not, my dear friends, then I will also refrain from shouting "I told you so, I told you so" until I start sobbing. This hurts me. Seeing friends not trusting friends hurts me so badly I can't even put it into words. Especially when I know the truth. Or at least what everyone sees as a beautiful fabrication disguised as truth. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is, I have a friend who has been there for me and will continue to be there for me. If my other friends can't seem to see that, then so be it. I will keep my opinions to myself. I will listen to all sides and make my own judgements.

But I will say this. To the friend who is hurt and angry...and to the friend that is the cause of that hurt: Regardless of what happens between you, regardless of who fucks up what, I expect to see both of you in my wedding party in 2005. Provided that I do indeed marry your brother, it is only fitting that the two of you be there. Together. On speaking terms. Do I have to take you both by the ears and drag you to separate corners of the room? Because I will. I refuse to let two friends tear themselves apart over an issue that may or may not actually explode into a Very Bad Thing. Especially if I am going to be living with one of you.

And to that potential housemate: Yes, your ground rules will be noted and obeyed. I promise you this. However, if at any time one or more of the four of us request an opportunity to lose our minds, at least consider that. But only that. Cross my heart.

And to the other friend: I believe what you tell me. I trust in what you tell me. I'm sorry if others don't. But I will say this: If you are spinning tales just to placate me, you know what I will do. And yes, I may be a midget with no muscle tone, but I have given your brother a black eye and a bloody nose without thinking.

I love you both. Now stop the pain.

I think I have said all that I have needed to say.

new poem

Combining social anxiety with outgoing friends, the desire to fit in, the fear of losing control, feeling emotionally trapped, childhood anxieties brought to the surface, fear of losing friends, fear of losing myself.
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