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I am writing this down for myself as a record of what is happening, just so I can look back on it later.
It's happened before, and I think I know why.
I know everything that they might say to me, too.
"Go see your doctor."
"See a physical therapist."
"You're forcing your body to walk unnaturally; you should stop doing it."
"You need to stretch more. Try these yoga/Pilates/stretching moves."
"You should try these special shoes/orthotics that naturally align your feet and body and stop worrying about being so short."
"Wearing heels is really bad for you because XYZ."
"Stop walking on your toes."
"Stop wearing heels."
"Be proud of your shortness."
"Stop being stupid and walk normally."
When I was younger, when the cerebral palsy was much worse, the only way I knew how to walk was on my toes. It was comfortable. It was natural. Walking flat, heel to toe, was not comfortable at all and sometimes it hurt. I think a lot of CP-afflicted kids felt that way. So I resisted the therapists, my parents, my doctors, the leg braces, the orthotics. Little kids, they like to do what feels best, even if it might not be best.
I used to have such horrible balance that I refused to wear any kind of heel. I still toe-walked, though. I didn't like wearing any shoes but boots that came up over my ankles, for the imagines support and to hide my scars.
When I hit my twenties, I discovered the joys of boots with two-inch heels. They felt so comfortable, so natural. And I found that my balance was fine as long as the heels were very wide. (thin heels? forget it.) I just need to wear supportive orthotics in every shoe.
When Adam and I moved into our townhouse, I instictively began wearing shoes in the house, because I was getting tired of constantly dirty socks, and cleaning every floor every single day was annoying. I also didn't like the way I walked, it felt uncomfortable still. So I just wore shoes. The only shoes I owned were boots with two-inch heels. I wore them to work too. I wore them sixteen hours a day. They were comfortable and they made me feel taller.
It's probably the cerebral palsy combined with walking around on two-inch heels for most of the day. It's mostly my own fault, and I'm not writing this entry to ask advice or to listen to people tell me to quit toe-walking and quit wearing my comfy boots. I'm writing it because I want to.
Monday night, I took off my boots as soon as I got home, and walked flat (uncomfortably), heel to toe, for four hours. It was a funny thing to watch. My walk is a strange one. When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I could not bend or stretch my legs without gasping in agony. My quadricep muscles are so tight, tense, clenched, spastic, that they won't move. I can't walk up or down stairs without hobbling severely to the point where I draw stares and startled, pitying looks. I am stretching my legs and massaging those muscles as much as possible, sitting down as much as possible, taking muscle relaxants and pain relievers. I know all the yoga and Pilates moves. I know I should probably not wear the boots for sixteen hours every day. I know I should see a physical therapist to train myself out of toe-walking.
For now, I will deal with the problem in small steps. It will go away in a couple more days. It's not that much of a bother, it's just painful and annoying and I'm still walking like I'm partially crippled.
And it's funny, I think. I have the upper front leg muscles of someone who might run for hours, who might ride a bicycle every day, who might work out for hours and hours to get the tone and tightness. Maybe I should be happy?
Meh. I'll settle for the burning to fade and the muscles to loosen up with every stretch and massage. Part of me thinks I deserve to be in pain for being a toe-walker, for deliberately wearing two-inch heels.
And I probably sound very snarky, but it's just for my own record.
Anyway. Good morning. Chronicle, record, part one.
(Edited, after comments: Thank you, Suzanna. Theraputic yoga, which I have never heard of, sounds like a wonderful idea.
And thank you to those who have shared their own stories and experiences with "abnormal walking." Please, keep it coming. Share with me.)
It's happened before, and I think I know why.
I know everything that they might say to me, too.
"Go see your doctor."
"See a physical therapist."
"You're forcing your body to walk unnaturally; you should stop doing it."
"You need to stretch more. Try these yoga/Pilates/stretching moves."
"You should try these special shoes/orthotics that naturally align your feet and body and stop worrying about being so short."
"Wearing heels is really bad for you because XYZ."
"Stop walking on your toes."
"Stop wearing heels."
"Be proud of your shortness."
"Stop being stupid and walk normally."
When I was younger, when the cerebral palsy was much worse, the only way I knew how to walk was on my toes. It was comfortable. It was natural. Walking flat, heel to toe, was not comfortable at all and sometimes it hurt. I think a lot of CP-afflicted kids felt that way. So I resisted the therapists, my parents, my doctors, the leg braces, the orthotics. Little kids, they like to do what feels best, even if it might not be best.
I used to have such horrible balance that I refused to wear any kind of heel. I still toe-walked, though. I didn't like wearing any shoes but boots that came up over my ankles, for the imagines support and to hide my scars.
When I hit my twenties, I discovered the joys of boots with two-inch heels. They felt so comfortable, so natural. And I found that my balance was fine as long as the heels were very wide. (thin heels? forget it.) I just need to wear supportive orthotics in every shoe.
When Adam and I moved into our townhouse, I instictively began wearing shoes in the house, because I was getting tired of constantly dirty socks, and cleaning every floor every single day was annoying. I also didn't like the way I walked, it felt uncomfortable still. So I just wore shoes. The only shoes I owned were boots with two-inch heels. I wore them to work too. I wore them sixteen hours a day. They were comfortable and they made me feel taller.
It's probably the cerebral palsy combined with walking around on two-inch heels for most of the day. It's mostly my own fault, and I'm not writing this entry to ask advice or to listen to people tell me to quit toe-walking and quit wearing my comfy boots. I'm writing it because I want to.
Monday night, I took off my boots as soon as I got home, and walked flat (uncomfortably), heel to toe, for four hours. It was a funny thing to watch. My walk is a strange one. When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I could not bend or stretch my legs without gasping in agony. My quadricep muscles are so tight, tense, clenched, spastic, that they won't move. I can't walk up or down stairs without hobbling severely to the point where I draw stares and startled, pitying looks. I am stretching my legs and massaging those muscles as much as possible, sitting down as much as possible, taking muscle relaxants and pain relievers. I know all the yoga and Pilates moves. I know I should probably not wear the boots for sixteen hours every day. I know I should see a physical therapist to train myself out of toe-walking.
For now, I will deal with the problem in small steps. It will go away in a couple more days. It's not that much of a bother, it's just painful and annoying and I'm still walking like I'm partially crippled.
And it's funny, I think. I have the upper front leg muscles of someone who might run for hours, who might ride a bicycle every day, who might work out for hours and hours to get the tone and tightness. Maybe I should be happy?
Meh. I'll settle for the burning to fade and the muscles to loosen up with every stretch and massage. Part of me thinks I deserve to be in pain for being a toe-walker, for deliberately wearing two-inch heels.
And I probably sound very snarky, but it's just for my own record.
Anyway. Good morning. Chronicle, record, part one.
(Edited, after comments: Thank you, Suzanna. Theraputic yoga, which I have never heard of, sounds like a wonderful idea.
And thank you to those who have shared their own stories and experiences with "abnormal walking." Please, keep it coming. Share with me.)
