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Being Alice: Rabbit Hole in a Thunderstorm
Feb. 6th, 2008 12:30 pmI want to tell the universe I'm sorry.
I want to scream at the fates.
I should start by apologizing to my husband and screaming at my brain.
Guess where I am? Guess why?
This time it was different and strange. It was after the sex, the wonderful intense sex before sleep. Adam had his hand on top of my head, and I could feel him concentrating. Whatever you want to call it -- healing energy, touch healing, channeling energy, quantum healing, qui, chi, Reiki, bullshit -- I felt the surge and current that he was channeling; I asked what he was doing, it confused me. He whispered that was trying to heal me. Adam is a big believer in the theory of "divinity within the self." He believes, as do I, that inside everyone is a piece of divinity, call it God or many gods or the universe or whatever you want to call it; and we don't need a church or temple or priest to reach it, we just need to reach inside ourselves and connect with that piece inside us. He touched his piece of divinity and channeled it into me.
We think it was a little too much. Not his fault. I overloaded. And a seizure hit. I don't know if the seizure was connected to the channeling, or to the sex, or to anything at all, or if it was even rationally possible so I will not judge. This is just what I believe. But it happened.
Some kind of energy flooded me. Something inside me opened up and a storm raged. My brain split in half. The right side began to burn and spark, the left became cold and numb. And each affected side of my body responded in kind. I lost the use of my left leg for a few minutes. My right arm began shaking. I began sobbing hysterically, and then behind my closed eyes I saw things. I could call them gods, but they were unlike any gods I'd ever heard of in any pantheon. One, a male, was sitting very still, looking like a gold statue. A female was dancing, spinning worlds from her fingertips. Another male played an instrument that looked like a flute and sounded like a Celtic harp, and the music was like breath and life. A woman came to me, smiling, arms outstretched. She was possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Another deity, unnamed. If I had to make a modern day comparison, I'd say she looked a little like the Indian Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai, but with alabaster skin, midnight black hair, and cobalt blue eyes streaked with dark purple. She did not seem human; her skin had no flush to it, it actually looked like alabaster, complete with gold streaks. Her lips were literally blood red. She was smiling gently, like a mother. Her hands came on each side of my face and touched me, and they were warm and felt like rose petals.
That vision faded, and I was floating in extreme darkness, watching an endless mass of dark red clouds roll over the universe. There were faces in those clouds, roaring, screaming. It terrified me, and I opened my eyes.
Adam was holding me very close, breathing slowly. I had to go to the bathroom. He helped me get out of bed; I was trembling and my left leg felt strange. As I put my left foot on the floor, I noticed that it wasn't supinating like usual -- I was putting my foot down flat. I have never in my life put that foot down flat. It was very puzzling and a little painful and I didn't know how to walk on it. I came out of the bathroom staring at my feet, putting one in front of the other, watching my left foot roll inward and flat, instead of outward and on the edge. Adam had gone downstairs, but he came up and saw me hobbling back to the bedroom and helped me onto the bed. I was still shaking, but not as badly. We talked for a while.
I don't know if his attempt to channel energy into me caused a seizure, or if it was even real. I'll be a skeptic. I don't know what happened. Just because I believe in energy healing doesn't mean I'm going to be flaky and assume it's exactly what happened. Anything could have happened. I have a fucked up brain and a very skewed central nervous system.
I just know that I've been in no shape to go anywhere, and I've only been awake since 11:30 this morning.
Adam wanted to take me to hospital. He's worried. This is the fourth intense seizure in a month. My neurologist told me that it's okay to take half a Trileptal tablet on top of the single tablet I take every night, if I have seizures like this. He agrees that I need to work on calming my worst triggers. I don't think a hospital will do much other than watch me and give me more medication, and right now I feel okay. I know how my husband feels, though. There isn't anyone in the world who wouldn't want to do anything possible to keep the love of his or her life safe and healthy. Before he left for work, he lay his head on my chest and whispered, "Don't leave me." And I promised I would not.
I can walk better now. Left leg still feels weak. I think the muscles loosened and relaxed so deeply that they didn't know how to support me, having been permanently clenched and spastic all my life. Now that I'm out of the rabbit hole, they're tightening up again.
I apologize in advance for worrying anyone. I did talk to my doctors earlier, I promise.
I want to scream at the fates.
I should start by apologizing to my husband and screaming at my brain.
Guess where I am? Guess why?
This time it was different and strange. It was after the sex, the wonderful intense sex before sleep. Adam had his hand on top of my head, and I could feel him concentrating. Whatever you want to call it -- healing energy, touch healing, channeling energy, quantum healing, qui, chi, Reiki, bullshit -- I felt the surge and current that he was channeling; I asked what he was doing, it confused me. He whispered that was trying to heal me. Adam is a big believer in the theory of "divinity within the self." He believes, as do I, that inside everyone is a piece of divinity, call it God or many gods or the universe or whatever you want to call it; and we don't need a church or temple or priest to reach it, we just need to reach inside ourselves and connect with that piece inside us. He touched his piece of divinity and channeled it into me.
We think it was a little too much. Not his fault. I overloaded. And a seizure hit. I don't know if the seizure was connected to the channeling, or to the sex, or to anything at all, or if it was even rationally possible so I will not judge. This is just what I believe. But it happened.
Some kind of energy flooded me. Something inside me opened up and a storm raged. My brain split in half. The right side began to burn and spark, the left became cold and numb. And each affected side of my body responded in kind. I lost the use of my left leg for a few minutes. My right arm began shaking. I began sobbing hysterically, and then behind my closed eyes I saw things. I could call them gods, but they were unlike any gods I'd ever heard of in any pantheon. One, a male, was sitting very still, looking like a gold statue. A female was dancing, spinning worlds from her fingertips. Another male played an instrument that looked like a flute and sounded like a Celtic harp, and the music was like breath and life. A woman came to me, smiling, arms outstretched. She was possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Another deity, unnamed. If I had to make a modern day comparison, I'd say she looked a little like the Indian Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai, but with alabaster skin, midnight black hair, and cobalt blue eyes streaked with dark purple. She did not seem human; her skin had no flush to it, it actually looked like alabaster, complete with gold streaks. Her lips were literally blood red. She was smiling gently, like a mother. Her hands came on each side of my face and touched me, and they were warm and felt like rose petals.
That vision faded, and I was floating in extreme darkness, watching an endless mass of dark red clouds roll over the universe. There were faces in those clouds, roaring, screaming. It terrified me, and I opened my eyes.
Adam was holding me very close, breathing slowly. I had to go to the bathroom. He helped me get out of bed; I was trembling and my left leg felt strange. As I put my left foot on the floor, I noticed that it wasn't supinating like usual -- I was putting my foot down flat. I have never in my life put that foot down flat. It was very puzzling and a little painful and I didn't know how to walk on it. I came out of the bathroom staring at my feet, putting one in front of the other, watching my left foot roll inward and flat, instead of outward and on the edge. Adam had gone downstairs, but he came up and saw me hobbling back to the bedroom and helped me onto the bed. I was still shaking, but not as badly. We talked for a while.
I don't know if his attempt to channel energy into me caused a seizure, or if it was even real. I'll be a skeptic. I don't know what happened. Just because I believe in energy healing doesn't mean I'm going to be flaky and assume it's exactly what happened. Anything could have happened. I have a fucked up brain and a very skewed central nervous system.
I just know that I've been in no shape to go anywhere, and I've only been awake since 11:30 this morning.
Adam wanted to take me to hospital. He's worried. This is the fourth intense seizure in a month. My neurologist told me that it's okay to take half a Trileptal tablet on top of the single tablet I take every night, if I have seizures like this. He agrees that I need to work on calming my worst triggers. I don't think a hospital will do much other than watch me and give me more medication, and right now I feel okay. I know how my husband feels, though. There isn't anyone in the world who wouldn't want to do anything possible to keep the love of his or her life safe and healthy. Before he left for work, he lay his head on my chest and whispered, "Don't leave me." And I promised I would not.
I can walk better now. Left leg still feels weak. I think the muscles loosened and relaxed so deeply that they didn't know how to support me, having been permanently clenched and spastic all my life. Now that I'm out of the rabbit hole, they're tightening up again.
I apologize in advance for worrying anyone. I did talk to my doctors earlier, I promise.
