Fetal Position

Every time I think I can't do this anymore, every time I beg my higher self and the gods and the universe to do something to make it all stop, I remember how much I need to do, and all the people who need me and want me and love me and admire me and are inspired by me.

My second weekend dose of Soma has kicked in, and I feel human. I did jumping jacks and basic Pilates stretches and laughed and twirled and danced a little. It will only last a few hours, but that's okay. I force myself to remember how it felt, because this is important. I never would have thought that simply relaxing all my muscles completely would turn me into a different person, someone who smiles all the time and laughs all the time and loves everything and is fascinated by everything because she has the energy to be fascinated.

I used to be that way, before all the pain. I want to be that way again.

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. It took me an hour just to move my limbs enough. Adam had already been up for a while, and was downstairs. It took me another twenty minutes to get dressed. When I went down the stairs, it was with one foot at a time, one step at a time, slowly and heavily, and I gripped the banister until my knuckles turned white.

This shouldn't be. I am twenty-nine years old. The only prescription drug that helps me is one that was banned in Europe, one that I take twice a week because taking it every day is too distracting. Herbal and alternative medications do help, but not completely. And I don't like taking too heavy a dose. Stretching and exercise help, but only so much.

There is only so much I can do. So I keep doing it. Eventually, I will get better, and I will get better forever. Knowing that it can happen helps keep me going.

I love you all, okay? Thank you for reading my journal, for commenting in my entries, for helping to keep me happy and sane. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me.

I'm just trying not to cry right now.

Kitty!

Aww.
Rose has a new toy.
Adam bought a bunch of pipe cleaners in various colors, and Rose is having the time of her life. She's snagged a glittery silver one and is galloping around the living room with it in her mouth.
Also, I think she's singing.

I still hurt. But it's a little better.

Goji plus Acai Juice Blend

Well, I finally found exactly what I've been looking for in Whole Foods.

Goji and Acai Juice Blend (with pineapple and apple).

This. Is. God Nectar.

I also got Goji Blueberry, Goji Mangosteen, and Goji Pomegranate.

Adam teases me for my penchant for exotic, unique juice blends. Sure, these are expensive. But it's goji and acai. I can't pass it up. I no longer buy cosmetics unnecessarily (seriously; I wait until I run out). If I am to have a shopping vice, I'd rather it be exotic health beverages that offer anti-inflammatory and tonic benefits.

Also, I got Goat Kefir with Pomegranate, Acai, and Blueberry. It's a one-liter bottle. It's going to be my main travel meal. I don't like eating on road trips unless absolutely necessary -- I have a phobia that involves needing a bathroom at the worst times. I usually prefer liquid meals on road trips anyway. And I love goat milk and anything involving goat milk. And acai. So, yeah.

We leave for Sag Harbor on Monday morning.

I am finally starting to feel better. Pain is minimal, muscle tension and spasticity has lessened.