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Half a battle...
May. 23rd, 2011 09:12 pmMy second session with Dr. Jen. Oh, I can tell that my walls will start crumbling before these twelve weeks are up. She is what I need in a counselor. She will help me rip away the masks and costumes, she will help me break down parts of the walls, she will help me confront everything I don't want to face about myself. And I will talk and talk, and I will realize and I will rationalize and I will intellectualize. But will I really face those emotions I don't want to face? There is a massive chasm inside me surrounded by walls and masks. How far will I leap? How far will I fall? What will I create to cushion my fall? Second session, and I already know I need this, so so badly. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I will be. I thought I knew, I really thought I knew. I know nothing. But I will, in the end. I will understand even if I don't want to. I'm like my book that I'm having trouble finishing. Blankness near the end, because I'm not sure what to do between one part and the next as I move toward the final chapter. Dr. Jen was very intrigued by this. When I'm with her I just keep talking, I can't stop talking. I talk and she asks and we discuss and then I stop talking, and coincidentally it's the end of the session. I don't know where it's all coming from, but I leave feeling relieved.
Sorry. Right. Hm.
Adam should be home on Thursday. He loves me so much, oh gods. He just wants me to be all right. He can't take my burdens but he can walk beside me and he can carry me if I need it. That's what I want and that's what I need.
I want to go back to the new Whole Foods in White Flint, not necessarily to buy anything, just to walk the aisles. It's huge and full of things I love. I hope and hope that its empty space on Rockville Pike will be filled by a Trader Joe's, or a Roots, or a Bloom.
There are so many online friends I want to meet and hug, even if we can't find things to talk about. I love comfortable silences. Books or computer tablets, just in each other's company, and good coffee and good tea and good food.
I really have no idea what will happen in my future. I am terrified and calm and anxious and all right.
Sorry. Right. Hm.
Adam should be home on Thursday. He loves me so much, oh gods. He just wants me to be all right. He can't take my burdens but he can walk beside me and he can carry me if I need it. That's what I want and that's what I need.
I want to go back to the new Whole Foods in White Flint, not necessarily to buy anything, just to walk the aisles. It's huge and full of things I love. I hope and hope that its empty space on Rockville Pike will be filled by a Trader Joe's, or a Roots, or a Bloom.
There are so many online friends I want to meet and hug, even if we can't find things to talk about. I love comfortable silences. Books or computer tablets, just in each other's company, and good coffee and good tea and good food.
I really have no idea what will happen in my future. I am terrified and calm and anxious and all right.
