Close the shades

Things are happening.
Other Things are starting to happen.
It is all extremely abrupt, most of it slightly upsetting but essentially fixable. I may be in a mental limbo for a few weeks. Klonopin might become my friend more than occasionally, which will be discussed with my doctors. Anxiety disorders kick you in the head like that.

I've been watching a forum post where one online friend has been tearing another online friend apart for a basic misunderstanding, and while I am on one side only, I am slowly realizing that when it comes to online fights, it's not worth it to keep going, to settle feuds. Just walk away. Let the grown-up children who live in fantasies have their anger, their obsessions, their beliefs that they are unable to stand up for themselves.

Adam has left for a week-long job in Las Vegas. Things may be happening at his company, but he is already putting his resume out just in case Things fall through. No matter what, I know we will be fine. But. You know. Crazy anxiety panicky brain is crazy anxious panicked. Good Things: Having my Luna and my Rose and my Jupiter, who are snuggly and loving all the time.

Recently, I have found a huge sense of strength and relief in chatting via Facebook with Mandi, who I've known for years through LJ, who I got to meet in person in 2010. She's one of my dearest friends, she understands everything right down to the pain and the crippling mental issues and the lack of energy and everything, all of it. She's one of those friends who I want to just wrap in my arms and not let go until I have somehow healed every pain inside her. Mandi, if you're reading this, I love you and thank you.

Eventually I will go socialize with people and go out. Or something. Not in such a mood today. How funny that I'd rather be faceless online right now.

Chocolate helps, too.

The Klonopin and Soma are working hard and beautifully. I am tranquil, relaxed, nearly sedate. Even if everything explodes, I think I will be all right. Beautiful artwork can be created from the smallest shattered pieces.

I am exhausted and can barely think, and barely remember things I keep wanting to remember. It will come back later, probably. After my head and all my muscles stop hurting so much.

Also, I have chocolate chip hazelnut cookies we made from scratch, and fruit, and baby carrots, and cats lounging nearby, and special salves and creams to keep me from scratching my skin raw.

Time to watch old Futurama episodes, and maybe more comedy.

Also, yogurt. Lifeway Kefir Greek Yogurt in Strawberry. It tastes amazing, like gods' nectar. Yes.

I walked at least one mile this afternoon. My CVS Bucks -- coupons that let me purchase products with said coupons alone -- came in handy. A pink lipstick and a red lipgloss for more than half the retail prices.

Now, to eat pistachios and maybe cookies.

Self kindness

The anxiety got too far into my brain and the walls are closing in and it's hard to breathe, so I'm going to bed early. I'll have the phone with me for when Adam calls from Nevada.
It's all out of my control. There is nothing I can do. It will all be fine, everything will somehow be fixed; but I must remember that I can only take care of myself before I try to even think about anything else.
Also, I must remember to eat more than small bits of yogurt and cheese and cereal and summer sausage and croissants. My body knows things.
Just breathe. Just breathe. Everything will be all right. Go to bed. Time for bed. The cats will cuddle as they always do. I love my cats.