Breathe breathe breathe breathe

By the way, if I say anything extremely weird that seems too weird even for me, it's because I am doping myself with Klonopin to keep from screaming my face off. Because tomorrow. They want us there thirty minutes early. And there will be a judge. Who will judge how disabled I am. And despite everything everyone has said, despite every wonderful assurance and word of love and hope, I am still terrified, horrified, petrified, and really not in my head, I can't make it stop. I hope the judge is a good and pleasant judge. Wait, wait, here comes some more screaming. I'm going to push it down and write a short story instead. A short story about a girl trapped in a crystal cave where all she can see are twisted reflections and how she must break free or lose herself. I don't want to be scared. I want to be okay. I know I will be okay no matter what, no matter what, no matter what, everything will be okay.
BREATHE.

Talismans matter.

Cosmetics and color, they make me feel happy. I won't be wearing any makeup to court tomorrow, my hair will be loose, and I know I will look as sick as I feel.
But today I applied organic skincaring concealer, lash-healthy mascara, lip-plumping gloss, and dammit if I don't at least look decent on the outside. A bright blue tee shirt, comfortable blue jeans that are really capris, boots with cushiony insoles.
Baltic amber bead bracelets on both wrists (honey on the right, cognac on the left). Deep teal kyanite copper ring on the left index finger. Dark blue kyanite pendant wrapped in copper on a gold chain. Silver pentacle ring on the right middle finger. Wedding rings and engagement ring in place. These are my talismans and my amulets. I draw strength from them. I will wear them tomorrow, because I will bare everything and strip myself raw, and then afterward I will let my talismans pull me back together piece by piece. And then I will fall asleep. And when I wake up, I will let everyone know the outcome. When I can think again. When I feel sane again.

All the while...

I am going to play this repeatedly until I am no longer insane. Or until I am a different kind of insane. Either way, I am going to SMILE DAMN IT.

Just keep swimming.

I had a long phone conversation with my lawyer, Mitch. He and Adam spoke to each other as well. Mitch constantly reassured me that it would be a kind, gentle hearing, that the judge would have enough medical knowledge and information that all I had to do, the only thing I had to do, was be myself and tell the truth. I wouldn't need to explain myself, no long words or speeches, not that I could anyway. Just be myself. Terrified and nervous and squeaky would be fine. If I needed a break, I could have it. If I needed to run screaming, I could. If all I was capable of was curling up in my chair and crying, that was fine, as long as I could answer some questions. No makeup. Nice slacks. Hair loose. A cane.
Mitch and I did a trial run with questions the judge would ask. He told me I had a very very very good chance; there is absolutely no doubt that I am disabled. They just want to know if I am disabled enough for their rules. I will fall apart no matter what. But you know what, it will be fine. Mitch will fight long and hard for me.
The current unfortunate part is that most of that phone conversation is already fading from my memory, but Adam will help, since we had the phone on speaker.
Just keep swimming.

Hugs Forever

I'll be going to bed early. Thank you everyone, so much, for all the well wishes, for all the good luck charms, for reminding me that I will be fine, for reminding me to breathe. I am still afraid, but I feel slightly better knowing how much I am loved and supported. I love you all. I will have an update tomorrow when it's all done, because I promised.
I will be fine. I know it.
♥