It Is Understood

Words, and words. My life is all about words.

"Honestly, I kind of get the impression that for the first twenty-something, thirty-something years of your life, this wasn't a thing you were able/allowed to talk about, and what's happening now is a flood of FINALLY being able to talk about it, FINALLY getting in touch with people who have similar neurophysio profiles and can relate to you, FINALLY being able to put all of your thoughts and feelings on the table and figure out what this actually means for you. Of course you're focused on it: you've got mountains of stuff to sort through. I think it's hard for other people to get what this really IS because it's such an intensely personal process. So they make assumptions, instead."
-My friend Sarah, commenting on how/why I keep going on about medical issues affecting me.

I don't want to talk anymore. But I cannot stop writing. My Livejournal is being filled and filled. I need to have a record, after all. I just want to avoid pain-bragging. I just want to stay clinical and curious. I just want to be able to realize every single tiny thing about every part of everything that damages me without going overboard, without making people angry. I am learning. It took a cinderblock punch in the amygdala to make me realize, but I have realized.

To quote the Tenth Doctor: I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Orange juice:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

I am here. I do not know where here is. But words are all over it.

"Sometimes the only way I know how to work through something is by writing..."
Hi.

"Now I know that the number one rule to being cool is to seem unfazed, to never admit that anything scares you or impresses you or excites you. Somebody once told me it's like walking through life like this. You protect yourself from all the unexpected miseries or hurt that might show up. But I try to walk through life like this. And yes, that means catching all of those miseries and hurt, but it also means that when beautiful, amazing things just fall out of the sky, I'm ready to catch them. "

I need this. I've spent my entire life catching all of those hurts, and sometimes those hurts are beautiful and amazing - because they live inside of me. Even the painful parts. Even the Monsters. I don't always declare war on the symptoms, I often imagine myself using psychological coping mechanisms, transporting my quiet self to a Zen garden with cats and sunlight and wildflowers, as the warrior parts of my brain battle those Pain Monsters with spears and war cries. It is a mind over matter dance that does not erode the symptoms, but helps me work with and deal with them. I apply creative writing to cope and to run to other worlds in my mind.

It is seen as Positive Thinking. But I tend to flinch at that term, because it is usually followed up with a sunshine up the ass platitude. I do apply a method of positive thinking to my conditions, disorders, and disabilities. But it is my own personal method, and whenever someone tries to insist that I use a different method, I naturally stand firm and stare them down. This is why I am happy that all of my doctors, specialists, and therapists are extremely willing to help me achieve my own positive thinking, because it is my own, and I know exactly what I want from it.
Unfortunately, it also makes me extremely vulnerable to criticism. I am probably Doing It Wrong. I am probably Wanting To Be Chronically Ill All The Time. I am probably Magically Convincing Myself That I Am Getting Worse. I Obviously Am Not Thinking Positively Enough - because my biggest coping mechanism is to write it down, and to share my newest findings with people I love and with people who understand my situation. At least, those are my assumptions. I made a few poor assumptions and lost a few acquaintances. But I moved on. Now, I am still writing, still speaking out. Now, I am determined to hold on to my personal method of positive thinking no matter who tries to change that method.

That is why I love this message from Sarah Kay. No one else can work inside my mind like I can. Each of us has the power to think positively in a way that works for us and us alone.

The next time somebody tells you that you need to stop doing it This way and start doing it That way, think long and hard about it before you even reply. Some things are just not worth debating. Sometimes all you can do is smile and nod and say "Thank you for the advice" - and move on. It is your mind, after all.

http://dotsub.com/view/e8f7d701-e410-464d-9051-eeae8a1ddd44/viewTranscript/eng

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-the-ted-talk-that-inspired-two-standing-ovations?g=2

I will probably listen to this video enough to memorize or recite most of it, and my poor memory will do its best to hold it close.