crawling uphill
May. 29th, 2006 07:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightlotusmoonI have decided to bite a bullet and post some comments that I made in the journal of a new LJ friend and fellow recovering anorexic. This is so I can keep track of when my thoughts start heading down the wrong paths. It does not mean anything terrible, it just means that I am thinking too hard.
For those who care, do keep in mind that these are my thoughts reflecting on the friend's own anorexia woes and my agreement about my own body. Mostly I don't think like this. Mostly.
First comment:
"...made the bad mistake of stepping on a scale... Although I haven't gained weight, the number still really bothers me. 10 pounds in a year and a half. At least I'm not gaining any more? Can I please get rid of it though? I want my old [weight] back. [Adam] insists I'm beautiful, loves the fact I've gained curve, thinks my tummy is the cutest thing, prefers me like this. I don't care, I feel disgusting. I don't LIKE looking more solid and filled out. Yeah, I look like a woman now and I should embrace that since I am a woman and I feel we hold great power, but old habbits still have their claws sunk into my psyche."
Edited to fit my situation, but those could be MY words, too. Last time I was on a scale was last Monday at my doctor's office after she had seen me for back pain. In spring last year I weighed 98 pounds and was very happy, despite the fact that all my friends saw me as painfully skinny. After the wedding, I gained seven pounds in five months, which doesn't seem so bad to anyone else but us. And when Adam and I went to a concert and I wore a blue tank top and tight jeans, I got so many stares and compliments and "I'd love to have that!" from friends, and strangers, and even gay men; yet I didn't like it. I gained three more pounds since February due to simply being on stronger birth control pills.
To anybody else, this would be nothing. "Ten pounds in a year? Why the hell are you complaining? I put ten pounds on in a month!"
But it really is different for anorexics, and for women with naturally fast metabolisms. We who are so used to being very thin and bony, we have see it in the mirror every day for years and years. All of a sudden, there is more skin, more padding, more softness. We teeter on the edge. We know damn well we look and feel better like this... but this is not who we think we are, we feel that by gaining this weight we are letting go of who we were and that is scary.
See, for you I'd say that 115 at 5'6" is pretty darn skinny. But I am not you, I am not in your mind. Only you know what feels best for you, as long as you don't fall over that edge back into illness.
When I was a teenager, I used to collect trading cards of Marvel Comic superheros, specifically X-Men. On the back of each card was a headshot of the character, a quick biography, and their hair color, eye color, height and weight. And most of them were technically "underweight" for their height, especially the women. The card for Jean Grey put her at 5'6" and 110 pounds! But they all looked so fit and muscular. It was so screwed up.
Second comment:
"The body notices it and starts filling out to get ready to carry a child, even though I don't want to think about that..."
Yeah, it seems that since I've gotten married I have been noticing a disturbing trend: When I get stressed or upset or worried, I will put my hands over my lower stomach as though protecting my womb. I have filled out considerably, not really in fat weight, but what I call "woman weight." My breasts and hips are fuller. Subconscious mommy thing, indeed. I don't like at all the fact that I went from 34 inch hips to 36 inch hips in fice months, because for god's sake, I am 4'11" and small boned! I'm supposed to be tiny and skinny!
Everyone loves my ass. What the fuck is it about my ass? It is jiggly and fatty and gross, but they say it is round and curvy. I walk down the streets of DC during my lunch break and I hear groups of wannabe hip-hop boys call out, "Daaamn, would ya look at that! That's HOT, yo! Mmm, I wanna piece of that ass!"
I feel gross and massive. This morning, in bed, Adam caught be poking and squishing my lower tummy, where that extra bit of female pouch is. I never had that before. And yet when I stand up and clench my abdominal muscles and stretch my waist up, I can't even pinch skin. But a year ago, I would have even HAD to clench and stretch to look thin and toned. My hips are huge; I just want everything back the way it was.
I need to buy a pair of dumb weights and a yoga mat. My friend Steve, who is visiting from Florida for the summer, says that next week once he gets his huge overdue commission check from a client (he sells stuff to government agencies and the military) he will help me out. He has a BowFlex that he doesn't want and is willing to give away once he leaves for Florida again. But since my townhouse is too small, I want Steve to give it to our friends Billy and Charlotte. They can put it in their basement, and besides, Billy and I want one anyway to share.
Third comment:
We think alike so much that it is starting to disturb me -- but in a good way. :)
I have always had an incredibly toned and muscular stomach epecially because of the cerebral palsy. That's what bothers me the most... that I don't have that intense tone anymore. Yoga and belly dancing seem like my best options. Steve also wants to teach me some basic martial arts and exercises that he had learned in the military, like various forms of push ups.
For those who care, do keep in mind that these are my thoughts reflecting on the friend's own anorexia woes and my agreement about my own body. Mostly I don't think like this. Mostly.
First comment:
"...made the bad mistake of stepping on a scale... Although I haven't gained weight, the number still really bothers me. 10 pounds in a year and a half. At least I'm not gaining any more? Can I please get rid of it though? I want my old [weight] back. [Adam] insists I'm beautiful, loves the fact I've gained curve, thinks my tummy is the cutest thing, prefers me like this. I don't care, I feel disgusting. I don't LIKE looking more solid and filled out. Yeah, I look like a woman now and I should embrace that since I am a woman and I feel we hold great power, but old habbits still have their claws sunk into my psyche."
Edited to fit my situation, but those could be MY words, too. Last time I was on a scale was last Monday at my doctor's office after she had seen me for back pain. In spring last year I weighed 98 pounds and was very happy, despite the fact that all my friends saw me as painfully skinny. After the wedding, I gained seven pounds in five months, which doesn't seem so bad to anyone else but us. And when Adam and I went to a concert and I wore a blue tank top and tight jeans, I got so many stares and compliments and "I'd love to have that!" from friends, and strangers, and even gay men; yet I didn't like it. I gained three more pounds since February due to simply being on stronger birth control pills.
To anybody else, this would be nothing. "Ten pounds in a year? Why the hell are you complaining? I put ten pounds on in a month!"
But it really is different for anorexics, and for women with naturally fast metabolisms. We who are so used to being very thin and bony, we have see it in the mirror every day for years and years. All of a sudden, there is more skin, more padding, more softness. We teeter on the edge. We know damn well we look and feel better like this... but this is not who we think we are, we feel that by gaining this weight we are letting go of who we were and that is scary.
See, for you I'd say that 115 at 5'6" is pretty darn skinny. But I am not you, I am not in your mind. Only you know what feels best for you, as long as you don't fall over that edge back into illness.
When I was a teenager, I used to collect trading cards of Marvel Comic superheros, specifically X-Men. On the back of each card was a headshot of the character, a quick biography, and their hair color, eye color, height and weight. And most of them were technically "underweight" for their height, especially the women. The card for Jean Grey put her at 5'6" and 110 pounds! But they all looked so fit and muscular. It was so screwed up.
Second comment:
"The body notices it and starts filling out to get ready to carry a child, even though I don't want to think about that..."
Yeah, it seems that since I've gotten married I have been noticing a disturbing trend: When I get stressed or upset or worried, I will put my hands over my lower stomach as though protecting my womb. I have filled out considerably, not really in fat weight, but what I call "woman weight." My breasts and hips are fuller. Subconscious mommy thing, indeed. I don't like at all the fact that I went from 34 inch hips to 36 inch hips in fice months, because for god's sake, I am 4'11" and small boned! I'm supposed to be tiny and skinny!
Everyone loves my ass. What the fuck is it about my ass? It is jiggly and fatty and gross, but they say it is round and curvy. I walk down the streets of DC during my lunch break and I hear groups of wannabe hip-hop boys call out, "Daaamn, would ya look at that! That's HOT, yo! Mmm, I wanna piece of that ass!"
I feel gross and massive. This morning, in bed, Adam caught be poking and squishing my lower tummy, where that extra bit of female pouch is. I never had that before. And yet when I stand up and clench my abdominal muscles and stretch my waist up, I can't even pinch skin. But a year ago, I would have even HAD to clench and stretch to look thin and toned. My hips are huge; I just want everything back the way it was.
I need to buy a pair of dumb weights and a yoga mat. My friend Steve, who is visiting from Florida for the summer, says that next week once he gets his huge overdue commission check from a client (he sells stuff to government agencies and the military) he will help me out. He has a BowFlex that he doesn't want and is willing to give away once he leaves for Florida again. But since my townhouse is too small, I want Steve to give it to our friends Billy and Charlotte. They can put it in their basement, and besides, Billy and I want one anyway to share.
Third comment:
We think alike so much that it is starting to disturb me -- but in a good way. :)
I have always had an incredibly toned and muscular stomach epecially because of the cerebral palsy. That's what bothers me the most... that I don't have that intense tone anymore. Yoga and belly dancing seem like my best options. Steve also wants to teach me some basic martial arts and exercises that he had learned in the military, like various forms of push ups.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
new reader (again) and hello
Date: 2006-06-02 12:19 am (UTC)Re: new reader (again) and hello
Date: 2006-06-02 02:12 am (UTC)Thank you for this comment. :)